Not so the beginning

I titled it the not so beginning because I am not writing on how old I was when I first wanted to be a female, but fast forward into the future and two failed marriages.  I am married to my third wife who I love with all of my being.  Damn I wish I met her the first go around.  Any who I mentioned to her before we were dating of how I would want to be a woman.  Fast forward some years as we were dating nothing else was brought up about it, we soon got married and enjoy our lives together with some slips on the road of togetherness.  Now for some jumping around.  My second ex knew I wanted to be a woman but, guess you could say she used psychological warfare of telling everyone from people in my unit, to my parents, siblings, family and friends.  So that went on for 13 years before we got divorced, thankfully it was a civil divorce.  She had 2 sons from her first marriage.  Her eldest son is gay and her youngest son started her transition to female, self medicating until she took her life early February of 2018.  I know from what I have read that self medicating is a big NO NO, plus the depression and suicidal thoughts.  Any who back to me.  Both of my exes have cheated on me.  My first cheated on me before we were married and before we were engaged.  She always said I dont see a ring on this finger.  She took advantage of my good and kind nature.  I was a faithful husband to her.  My second marriage, she is bi, she cheated on me with other men, women, and couples.  So I figured what's good for the gander is good for the goose.  So I ventured out and cheated on her.  Everyone I was in an affair with told me I should leave her.  I have tried a couple times.  Ex 2 also wrote a letter to my parents telling them that I was cheating on her.  With which I get a phone call from my parents both on the same line (two separate phones)  getting grilled about how cheating is bad to put it nicely.  When I was able to get a word in edgewise I told them that she cheated on me first (first or second doesnt matter I know) with other men, women, and couples.  My parents who are way old school wasnt hearing that.  Took me a while to get in their good Grace's again.  When I introduced my wife who was my girlfriend at the time, they loved her right off the bat as did my siblings which didnt happen with my past exes so I know I did a good thing.  I know I didnt want to screw it up but it wasnt until my wife pointed out and opened my eyes to the fact that I am a sex addict.  More jumping around here.  While we were dating and even now we go regularly to couples/marriage counseling together which I didnt do with my previous exes and I enjoy for the most part going with my wife.  She helps me become a better person by far.  It's been a rough start admitting to my addiction, and it's the hardest one to break and easiest one to hide.  And hard as all hell to build back trust but if both parties are willing to work on it then there is hope to building a new beginning and a new future.  Now, not only do we go to marriage counseling I also go to a counselor about my addiction as well as support groups.  That being said dont judge, I am not perfect but I do try to be a good person.  I have mentioned to my wife that I would be willing to get a bilateral orchiectomy to lower my libido and help with my addiction.  I sent her links, articles, videos of all the pros and cons about it.  She recommended chemical castration so I read up on it watched videos about the pros and cons about it as well.  A lot of the videos and literature I came across were men transitioning to women which brought back in full force more than ever and more than I could hold back, cover up or deny my deepest desire to become the woman I should have been born to be.  This was brought up in our session and because I signed a waiver both counselors tell each other of what's going on.  My last session with my personal counselor him hawed about what was told to her and wanted me to tell her what else has been going on in my mind.  So I took a pause, collected my thoughts and told her my feelings desires and such.  The only thing I am afraid of is losing my wife.  I understand her point of view, where she is coming from she is straight and likes men, she says she doesnt have any bisexual tendencies.  What ever happens she said that she would still be there for me, and i know that she will.  We complete each other in so many ways outside the bedroom and in the bedroom too.  I understand she is hurt, she feels betrayed, she thinks it's her which i reassure her that it is not.  Wow, didnt realize my first entry would be this long so I will end it here, will like to see some comments good bad or indifferent.  Finding support from others going through something similar would be nice too, but all one could do is hope.  Thanks for taking the time to read.