Mothers of Incest Survivors Wives and Mothers of Offenders Community Group
I have searched long and hard for a support group dealing with the specific issues that a mother who finds out their child/ren have been sexually abused by their husband or boyfriend face. Once the swirling chaos dies down after discovery and reporting of the abuse, we are left with so many questions, judgement by people we love the most, DSS, police, investigations,...
Hello all,
This is my first time posting on here. I think I found this group a couple years ago, but for some reason (even though I saved the page to bookmarks), I forgot all about it... I'm kicking myself for that right now, because I have needed someone to talk to about everything that has happened, but I don't have people I can trust or people who can truly understand what has happened.
I will tell you a little about my situation:
My oldest daughter came to me 2 years ago, three days before Thanksgiving actually. She told me her father had molested her, a few years before. I reacted with shock and disbelief... I will forever regret that, but I have been told by professionals that deal with this kind of situation, that my reaction was normal. I confronted him when he got home from work and told him if he didn't tell me the truth, I would call the cops right away and have him removed from the house... He denied it, but I knew he was lying, I could just tell by his face every time he said he didn't do it. I wish I had called the cops right away, instead of confronting him. I made him leave our home, but he took our bank card with him, which left me broke with three kids to take care of, rent due, a birthday and Christmas coming up fast. I went through all the proper channels and did what needed to be done, even though I wasn't ready for any of it. I was in shock for a long time after my sweet girl had disclosed to me. I felt like I was in a haze, going through the motions I was expected to, but I couldn't face the reality that life as I had known it my ENTIRE adult life was changing rapidly, and not for the better. I still catch myself, 2 years later, wanting to deny it all and go back to what I knew and was comfortable with. As of today, he has been formally charged and arraigned and is awaiting trial. He has to wear a tracking anklet, is only allowed to travel to work, the store he named as his regular place to shop, his lawyers offices, and of course the court houses. I had gotten a temporary no-contact order against him, on behalf of my daughters (I have three), when I filed for divorce. As a condition of his bail, he has to abide by that order and also has been issued a no-contact order on my behalf. I didn't know about that one, until I received an email from his divorce attorney telling me they put in for a postponement of our final custody hearing because he can't be near me or have contact of any kind with me. I don't know what to do... At our final divorce hearing, I was totally unprepared. I had NOTHING up to that point, proving that the state that was investigating the case (not the state we were currently living in), was still working on it. The judge pretty much called me a liar, telling me she didn't believe there was an active investigation because they hadn't given me anything to prove there was. Now I don't know if I should go to the court house and request to be seen, so I can make sure she knows that he is facing trial, or if I should wait and see how the trial goes... I'm so afraid that because it's a case of molestation, there's no physical evidence that anything happened to her, the jury is going to find him not-guilty and he will get custody of my daughters. He had threatened me with that when we hit a really rough patch in our marriage when I was pregnant with our youngest. He told me that if we split up, I could keep our younger daughters, but that he would take our oldest because he thought he could provide her with a stable life. What I didn't know, was that just 6 months before this rough patch, he had been molesting her while I went to the chiropractor! I almost always took our middle daughter with me when I went, because he wasn't willing to "entertain" her while I was gone. I feel like an idiot for not acting on my instincts when he said he would take my oldest, but not younger ones! I thought it was really strange that he only wanted her! Now that I have had so much time to think back on our years together, I have come to the realization I was completely blind and in denial. When my oldest was just 2, she was fully potty trained. We made a big move, to a whole different part of the country when she was 3. About 2 months after we had moved, I got a job and he stayed home with her until he found one also. Within a few months of me working, she was peeing her pants, and much worse- she was pooping her pants as well! I would come home from work and have to wash all her little panties and shorts by hand, so she would have something to wear the next day! This was happening only when he was alone with her! I called my ex-mother-in-law and she told me it was just my girl adjusting to such a big change after the move. I believed her, she had 4 boys of her own and helped raise many other kids, on top of having a daycare for many years. I was just so naive and stupid...
So now, 2 years later, my daughter occasionally comes to me and says she wishes she had "kept her mouth shut", because she has had to see her sisters go through so much hurt and worse, she has had to watch me struggle with getting divorced, fighting to keep my girls away from her father, swallowing my pride to get help to keep a roof over our heads and food in their bellies... she has watched me lose 40lbs, look more and more run-down everyday, struggle just to get out of bed and carry on. My daughter is so strong, she is so brave, she is so beautiful inside and out. I wish I had protected her all those years ago, I wish I could have kept her from having to see and feel all that she has. I wish I could have saved her sisters from so much chaos and uncertainty.
It has taken me a long time to come to terms with the fact that everything has changed so drastically, and it will never be the same for any of us ever again.
I am moving on, little by little. I was going to therapy for a little while, but my therapist couldn't really help me. She wouldn't see me if I couldn't get someone to watch my littlest one (she turned 4 a little more than a week after her sister disclosed to me). When I was able to see her though, she urged me to join a dating site, to "have good food and good conversation", to do something other than "go to appointments dealing with this situation". I felt guilty, like I was cheating on my ex, even though I had filed for divorce and knew my marriage was completely dead. My therapist told me that I was grieving the end of my marriage like my husband had died, and that I would have to go through all the same stages of grief that someone does when their loved one dies. I am grateful that she urged me to get out there and meet people though. I met someone a few months after joining the dating site! He is so wonderful in so many ways! But he keeps telling me that I should have been more aggressive with my divorce... he thinks I should have put my ex through the ringer and forced him to pay more for child support, etc... I do think I should have been more aggressive, but at the time, I just wanted to be done and over with all of this... I didn't have the strength to fight harder. I don't know if that makes any sense, but it's what I feel and think.
I'm sorry I've gone on like this, but I do feel better getting it out, and I feel safe confiding all this on here. I know I won't be judged here, I know I won't be told that what I have done or felt is stupid or ridiculous. Thank you for this safe place to go!
This is my first time posting on here. I think I found this group a couple years ago, but for some reason (even though I saved the page to bookmarks), I forgot all about it... I'm kicking myself for that right now, because I have needed someone to talk to about everything that has happened, but I don't have people I can trust or people who can truly understand what has happened.
I will tell you a little about my situation:
My oldest daughter came to me 2 years ago, three days before Thanksgiving actually. She told me her father had molested her, a few years before. I reacted with shock and disbelief... I will forever regret that, but I have been told by professionals that deal with this kind of situation, that my reaction was normal. I confronted him when he got home from work and told him if he didn't tell me the truth, I would call the cops right away and have him removed from the house... He denied it, but I knew he was lying, I could just tell by his face every time he said he didn't do it. I wish I had called the cops right away, instead of confronting him. I made him leave our home, but he took our bank card with him, which left me broke with three kids to take care of, rent due, a birthday and Christmas coming up fast. I went through all the proper channels and did what needed to be done, even though I wasn't ready for any of it. I was in shock for a long time after my sweet girl had disclosed to me. I felt like I was in a haze, going through the motions I was expected to, but I couldn't face the reality that life as I had known it my ENTIRE adult life was changing rapidly, and not for the better. I still catch myself, 2 years later, wanting to deny it all and go back to what I knew and was comfortable with. As of today, he has been formally charged and arraigned and is awaiting trial. He has to wear a tracking anklet, is only allowed to travel to work, the store he named as his regular place to shop, his lawyers offices, and of course the court houses. I had gotten a temporary no-contact order against him, on behalf of my daughters (I have three), when I filed for divorce. As a condition of his bail, he has to abide by that order and also has been issued a no-contact order on my behalf. I didn't know about that one, until I received an email from his divorce attorney telling me they put in for a postponement of our final custody hearing because he can't be near me or have contact of any kind with me. I don't know what to do... At our final divorce hearing, I was totally unprepared. I had NOTHING up to that point, proving that the state that was investigating the case (not the state we were currently living in), was still working on it. The judge pretty much called me a liar, telling me she didn't believe there was an active investigation because they hadn't given me anything to prove there was. Now I don't know if I should go to the court house and request to be seen, so I can make sure she knows that he is facing trial, or if I should wait and see how the trial goes... I'm so afraid that because it's a case of molestation, there's no physical evidence that anything happened to her, the jury is going to find him not-guilty and he will get custody of my daughters. He had threatened me with that when we hit a really rough patch in our marriage when I was pregnant with our youngest. He told me that if we split up, I could keep our younger daughters, but that he would take our oldest because he thought he could provide her with a stable life. What I didn't know, was that just 6 months before this rough patch, he had been molesting her while I went to the chiropractor! I almost always took our middle daughter with me when I went, because he wasn't willing to "entertain" her while I was gone. I feel like an idiot for not acting on my instincts when he said he would take my oldest, but not younger ones! I thought it was really strange that he only wanted her! Now that I have had so much time to think back on our years together, I have come to the realization I was completely blind and in denial. When my oldest was just 2, she was fully potty trained. We made a big move, to a whole different part of the country when she was 3. About 2 months after we had moved, I got a job and he stayed home with her until he found one also. Within a few months of me working, she was peeing her pants, and much worse- she was pooping her pants as well! I would come home from work and have to wash all her little panties and shorts by hand, so she would have something to wear the next day! This was happening only when he was alone with her! I called my ex-mother-in-law and she told me it was just my girl adjusting to such a big change after the move. I believed her, she had 4 boys of her own and helped raise many other kids, on top of having a daycare for many years. I was just so naive and stupid...
So now, 2 years later, my daughter occasionally comes to me and says she wishes she had "kept her mouth shut", because she has had to see her sisters go through so much hurt and worse, she has had to watch me struggle with getting divorced, fighting to keep my girls away from her father, swallowing my pride to get help to keep a roof over our heads and food in their bellies... she has watched me lose 40lbs, look more and more run-down everyday, struggle just to get out of bed and carry on. My daughter is so strong, she is so brave, she is so beautiful inside and out. I wish I had protected her all those years ago, I wish I could have kept her from having to see and feel all that she has. I wish I could have saved her sisters from so much chaos and uncertainty.
It has taken me a long time to come to terms with the fact that everything has changed so drastically, and it will never be the same for any of us ever again.
I am moving on, little by little. I was going to therapy for a little while, but my therapist couldn't really help me. She wouldn't see me if I couldn't get someone to watch my littlest one (she turned 4 a little more than a week after her sister disclosed to me). When I was able to see her though, she urged me to join a dating site, to "have good food and good conversation", to do something other than "go to appointments dealing with this situation". I felt guilty, like I was cheating on my ex, even though I had filed for divorce and knew my marriage was completely dead. My therapist told me that I was grieving the end of my marriage like my husband had died, and that I would have to go through all the same stages of grief that someone does when their loved one dies. I am grateful that she urged me to get out there and meet people though. I met someone a few months after joining the dating site! He is so wonderful in so many ways! But he keeps telling me that I should have been more aggressive with my divorce... he thinks I should have put my ex through the ringer and forced him to pay more for child support, etc... I do think I should have been more aggressive, but at the time, I just wanted to be done and over with all of this... I didn't have the strength to fight harder. I don't know if that makes any sense, but it's what I feel and think.
I'm sorry I've gone on like this, but I do feel better getting it out, and I feel safe confiding all this on here. I know I won't be judged here, I know I won't be told that what I have done or felt is stupid or ridiculous. Thank you for this safe place to go!
Your situation is very painful and many of us have walked down the same road. It is a treacherous path and no one can be expected to make their best decisions through such a tough time.
What kind of proof do they need that your ex-husband is in trouble with the law? In my area, they have a disgusting newspaper called "Gotcha" that shows all the mugshots un fit to print, but they print them anyway. His arrest should be public record.
Also, don't be hard on yourself about not being aggressive during you divorce proceedings. Sometimes it is enough just to keep yourself together during those times. Actually, that can feel near to impossible! You have done what many do and just try to get through it.
Sounds like your ex will be going to jail anyway. Is there really much you can get from him?
Again, I am sorry that it took so long for someone to see your post. The Families of Sex Offenders forum is much more active. You might want to post there if no one else responds.
I am wishing you all the best!
Peek
The court is aware of the fact that he has been charged and is awaiting trial now. I just don't know if I should go to the divorce court to ask that the no-contact order be made permanent based on the fact that he has been formally charged and arraigned... I get so anxious just thinking about going to the courthouse that my tachycardia starts to act up.
I will check out the other forum you mentioned, thank you. All of this is just so hard to even think about still, I'm hoping that talking about it with people who can relate will help.
Thanks again,
~LMD
Welcome to the group.