Your feelings are definitely understandable. Feelings just can't be turned off!. You can love a person but hate what they've done. He has shown remorse, confessed and is wanting help. My son was the same and we continue to support him but he'll never live at home again. He will always be my son and I will always love him but I hate what he has done and the destruction it has caused our family.

I don't think you feel this way because of your own abuse. This is a tough journey and there are no right or wrong feelings. They are all a part of who you are and the journey you are on. Hang in there Mina. Keep coming back here as we can all understand and relate to the anguish this causes. You are not alone on this journey. I'll be praying for you and your family. xx

Very few people understand the kind of torment people who are sexually attracted to children live with. It is not something anybody would choose. It is something people are born with (mostly men as we know) and is often discovered as a boy matures. If you have the courage to read the stories of those who are minor-attracted have been brave enough to share, a common theme runs through them.

"There was a part of me that never grew up." What this refers to is that the initial sexual interests of a boy...little girls his own age...didn't change as he got older. He was still attracted to girls the age of his first crush and, as he got older and developed more physically, his sexual interests did not change. Powerful surges of sex hormones remain focused on that first sexual attraction, which was an age mate at the time but now may be many years younger. For many, probably most, other sexual attractions develop but that first sexual attraction continues to hold great allure...at great distress to the growing boy.

Because society sees someone who has these attractions as a monster, the boy learns to keep things secret and to find ways to resist his powerful, now secret, drives. There is no one to talk to about this. No one to share this painful secret with because he would be suspect and probably persecuted his entire life for sharing. Most report bouts of depression, self hatred, poor self esteem. In other words, having to resist powerful, natural sex drives is damaging to the psyche and affect the person's behavior for the rest of their life. It's no wonder we see these behaviors come out in such secretive and shocking ways. Can you imagine having to resist your most powerful feelings for a long period of time with no outlet?

None of us can do that! Say, for example, you get angry about something at work and you hold it in to be "professional". Does it go away? No, you express it somewhere else...and its not always in an appropriate time and place, is it? This is the way we have been trained by society to deal with our strong emotions. It is not healthy, but it is the way it is.

Does that mean that people who are sexually attracted to children should be able to express their attractions with children? ABSOLUTELY NOT! That line has to be drawn. In our culture, childhood is very long. In ancient cultures, children knew all the skills they needed to function in society by the age of 8 or 9. They were ready to fend for themselves. That is hardly the case now. Children need to be protected over many, many years as they learn to function in society.

This is where the conflict arises. Society expects one thing, but our natural sexual and survival instincts, which developed over millennia, tell us something else. It creates a bind. Our husbands are stuck in that bind. They are people in pain who have been living in pain for a very long time. When we see people in pain, there is only one appropriate answer--compassion.

Yes, people tell you you have to hate. You have to see him as a monster. What they don't realize is that they are caught in the same bind. Society developed without dealing with this issue. Our culture decided to throw away part of our humanity. By labeling people as "monsters" that makes them throwaways, people who can be tossed to the side and punished with no sense of guilt. "Get rid of 'em. Lock 'em up. Throw away the key."

But that attitude does not get rid of the problem, does it? No, because there is always a new generation of boys coming up who had to keep their sexuality a secret, who have resisted it and hated themselves, and who may eventually act out because the pressure is beyond what they can bear. Why? Because this exists as a part of the nature of humanity and no amount of hate or incarceration or threats of harm is going eradicate it. It just is. It exists. It cannot be hated away.

But with compassion, it can be managed. With understanding and support, people who are sexually attracted to children can learn to live within a society that does not and cannot allow the full expression of their natural instincts and be happy, productive non-offending members of society. We just don't live in a society that is mature enough to see that yet.

But you can see it, Mina. I can see it. People who write on this board can see it. Compassion and love are what heal. Hate divides. Mina, your expressions of love for your husband do not mean you are being manipulated. Its wonderful to want "great" for him. You have seen his "secret torture". You pray for his healing. A favorite book of mine says "When I am healed, I am not healed alone." Wanting his healing is wanting your healing, and healing for your daughter. And are you damaged, all you see is abuse? Oh, no, Mina! My God, you see love! After all that, you see love! You are so blessed!

Now of course, that does not mean you are not cautious. He has lied to you before and you know that this is a typical part of the behavior pattern he has, but with love and understanding, you are strong! And perhaps the abuse you suffered as a child as well as having a partner with this same behavior was part of your lesson to learn this love. I feel it so strongly that this is the truth!

You are a wonderful, beautiful person, Mina. Share that light with the world! Don't let others try to snuff it out just because they don't understand.

Thank you for sharing your story with us! Keep on loving!

Peek

To add to Peek's comment, many aren't even attracted to children, but something in their past (usually abuse as well) has created a point that they regress back to when under a lot of pressure, a stress catalyst, because they never learned healthy coping skills, again usually because of abuse...they do what they know. That's what happened with my husband. And I've been told the same thing...that because I was abused as a child, then it damaged me to where I can't see the damage I'm causing by supporting him. I say BS! He deserves support just like any other human being, because that's what he is. Like I've heard many people say, "love the sinner, not the sin." I agree with that statement...a person should be held accountable for their actions, but that doesn't mean you have to stop loving them, and if they're willing to hold themselves accountable, too, then what's wrong in supporting them and hoping the best for them? I personally think it's society that's damaged to think another has to be damaged in order to love and support someone that's caused you such pain and heartache...society is that bent on revenge in general. You keep doing what you're doing, because IMO, you're the one who's doing it right. God bless.

my3hearts,

I totally understand where you are coming from. I still love my husband after what he did to my daughters. People tell me I should hate him, but I can't. My daughters do not understand how I can still love him either. This is something that I have to deal with in my own way - NO one can tell me how I am to feel about anyone. I too was cautious when I remarried and trusted him totally - he was to me a good person. I never seen signs that anything was going on - which I still can't figure out how I missed it. He found opportunity and I never caught on. My hardest part is that his oldest daughter suspected something and never told me - he excused was she looked when she came around for signs and never saw anything. Well first she would have to come around to be able to see anything. As my husband said his daughter only came around when she wanted or needed something - which is true. Once this came out and I found out that he possibly had done something to his own youngest daughter I was outraged when I found she had told her sister, mother, uncle, sisters boyfriend and not one person did or said anything. In away I blame them for what happened to my daughters as if they had spoke up may none of this would of happened. My husband tells me he did nothing to his daughter, I want to believe this. I have been told by others that his daughter said this because she lived with him and I and wanted to go live with her mother and that was her way out. Which I hate to say I can see her saying something like this. She came to my house about 3 weeks after this happened and put on this big act (as I put it) about how she couldn't be in this house because he had lived here - it never bothered her before to be in this house or around him until she moved in with her mom. I have nothing to do with wither of his daughters because as I said I kind of blame them - which I know I shouldn't. But once my husband was arrested his oldest daughter was around and was trying to get what she could - when she found out that I was not giving her anything she stopped coming around. All I heard was how much she loved him and how much his family loved him but they sure didn't show it. His daughter went and seen him once in county jail with me, wrote him twice - never remembered his birthday with a card. His one brother sent him a letter in county and that is it. They blame me for everything that happened and can't understand how I can still love him and want to see him. Well my answer to them is when we married I said for better or for worse. Ya, we are in the worse stage now, but I still can't stop loving him. Yes, he made a big mistake and I have told him this - but that doesn't mean I have to stop loving him either. I have placed myself in God's hands and following the path he has set for me and right now that path is with my husband. I go see him in prison twice a month, write him almost daily and talk on the phone a few times a week. This I believe helps me and my husband. I plan on being there for him through his sentence (10 years to life).
You have to follow what is best for you and not let anyone tell you other wise. If you want to be there for him then do it. If down the road your feeling change than that is your choice. I have lost friends because I still love my husband as they can't understand it - I should hate him and leave him and let him rot in prison. My family has even stepped back from me because of this. Yes, it bothers me - but as I have said No one can tell you how to love your life, who you can love, it is all YOUR choice. No one knows what you are going through unless they have been in your shoes, they can only speculate as to what they would do in your situation. They might be totally surprised at how and what they would do if it was actually them.
So keep your head up high and follow your feeling as you know what is right for you.

Good luck and God bless

(((HUGS)))) I know, too well, how you feel. You are not crazy, what you feel is completely normal. I don't have much to add to what others have said, I just want you to know that you are not alone. I text my ex occasionally so that I know how he is and I hope for healing in his life.

No you aren't crazy, you are a loving and forgiving person with a gift of seeing the good in people. Not everybody has that ability and you understand what unconditional love is. Although he has done some awful acts, you can separate that from him and know he is not an awful person- what he did was awful! Not all perpetrators are monsters and when my child disclosed my primary concern was protecting my children and my secondary concern was making sure my husband didn't take his own life.

i feel like this too. its very confusing and it makes you feel like you're going to lose your mind sometimes. because emotional hurt feels different to the physical . i feel like my husband is my soul mate that we have such a connection thats what hurts . and I'm trying to feel hate too because isn't that what were supposed to feel. he hurt our daughter in the worst way through molesting her. he too confessed and said he is disgusted in himself and for what he's done to her.but the feelings of hate or resentment haven't come out yet ? I'm asking if I've suppressed it ? have i too been too abused in my life before i met him that i can't feel ? i so relate. i keep seeing his face when i go to sleep , i even miss him ? whats wrong with me he hurt our daughter FFS !! anyone else i think i would have killed them on the spot ? so why why do i feel this reaction towards him.

thank you SO much everyone for what you have written here ! i feel less shame for the first time in ages because you all get it, feel it ! I'm normal !!!! thank you thank you thank you

Wow, some interesting thoughts here. I am still really struggling with thoughts and emotions for my son who abused both of his sisters for about 6 years. He was around 8 when he began the abuse. He left home coincidentally the week we found out about the abuse, almost a year ago now. I have not seen himor spoken with him since he left, but my husband has. I think that I would fall apart if I had contact with him and my girls need me to be strong for them.

I hate everything this abuse has done and know that our "family" will never be like it was. I can't mention his name without wondering if it will cause a flashback. I am struggling with severe anxiety over anything to do with our son - places he spent a lot of time at, foods he liked, music, movies etc. I am still trying to get my head around the enormity of everything. It's all still unravelling. Yet, my mother heart still wants him to have a life and find happiness. I believe that he is genuinely remorseful and chose to stop the abuse himself years before he left home. Yet the damage is done. We support him in very minor ways - a blanket and sheets which he couldn't afford, some shoes etc. I do hope that he never has a family of his own. Not sure if I will ever get involved in his life again. If I do, it will be years down the track. I have written him one letter, and that took two months to write. One day I think I have let him go and then the next week I miss him and am not sure I can let go. Not sure how this will all pan out.

I've cried so much over this and I'm sure I'll cry some more. It really sucks. I'd rather he was an axe murderer. That would be easier to come to terms with. This rocks everything in your life, affects every corner of your existence. Hate the sin but love the sinner.

hi ozmum, i am still close with my mother in law although she is in your shoes exactly but it is our daughter not his sisters , he has chosen not to see her for the now and its been over a year, they were very close always .i have moved interstate so we communicate by phone she's been to visit already. i feel she is the only one who can understand if not her level is SO deep it is her son. as she says only time can heal and for now you can only look after your wellbeing on many levels one by one. she says the ball is in his court that unless he chooses the right road to therapy and proves this through his reflecting his understanding of the impact of his actions , and this needs to be more than just sorry and saying so , until that you won't be helping him heal or acknowledge what wrong he has done in anyway. ( I'm not a councelller I'm actually using my mum in laws words)
so by setting a boundary ( if you can do this , and i think if any he will listen to his mum give it to him straight)
my husband actually has chosen NOT to do this for his mum she was hurt and felt worse off but now she has released any of her perceived guilt and lets it lie with HIM who is at fault to find his healing , but he knows what her healing terms with her are, she has set the boundary.balls in his court.
I seem to see him everywhere ( although it isn't him of course) every other guy from behind looks like him. all things remind me of him and i go into the poor me syndrome , I'm alone ... weird what the head does to us when we are grieving....

Ozmum62, I could have written that post almost word for word!! Sadly, my son already has a family of his own. Twins. That I'm not allowed to see either since disclosure. :(