I'm coming up on the fifth anniversary of the death of my family as I once knew it. My then husband had molested both of our children, the media was a feeding frenzy on my front law, I had to move, my children hated me for removing their father from the home, articles in the newspapers boasted many comments from people who never met me saying "Of course the mother knew!" I dealt with DSS, detectives, and therapists on a daily basis. I was incredibly suicidal. I went from pursuing a law degree to become a prosecutor of sex offenses to a woman who slept on her bathroom floor pleading for death because the man I loved and was married to for 10 years committed some of the most gruesome acts against my children, acts I had once experienced as a child myself.

So where am I now? Well, a lot has changed. My ex husband has been sentenced to 10-14 years in prison. I have not spoken to him in over two years. My eldest daughter hates him now. My youngest daughter still struggles with his loss. I no longer love him or have respect for him. It has become very difficult to watch my eldest daughter struggle with the effects of his actions. She has suffered greatly and struggles with depression and anxiety. The teen years have proven to be heartbreaking on some levels. However, I'll also say, that as she has embraced her anger for herself and let go of the fear for his safety and guilt for where he is, she is flourishing. She is active in plays and sings in state choir. And I'm started to see a happier girl.

My job is going very well and I have an active social life with many friends. I go out dancing all the time, determined to grasp onto any and all happiness that life throws my way. My daughters and I are closer than we ever have been and we are all still in weekly therapy. I never stopped going, but my daughters did take a therapy break until about a year ago when I put them back in as they approached the teen years.

I often wonder if I did things right. And the answer is.... I did the best I could in the face of an impossible and heartbreaking circumstance. I will say that my compassion level for my ex husband is close to nill. I don't want to see him harmed and I do want him to get help. But that is not my cross to bear. I decided that I couldn't save him, and that all of my energy needed to go toward my daughters. But I remained in communication with him for about a year and a half. I don't regret this. It helped me process my feelings. Sometimes I would just scream into the phone like a wounded animal. Sometimes I would just weep and repeatedly say "This can't be happening." Sometimes I just remained silent. I did this until it longer served me. And then on May 12 2014, I sat in a courtroom and was officially declared "Divorced." I am so glad that I waited until I was emotionally ready to do so. I did it on my time, for me. By the time it was official, I was more than ready. And every year, I throw a Divorce party. It's a symbolic way for me to celebrate the death of a marriage and a rebirth of a new life. I am not the same person I once was. There is no way I could be. You can't go through something like this and come out the same person you once were before it happened. But I can honestly say, I am the happiest I ever have been in my entire life. This situation forced me to face my own demons from my past. I couldn't help my children without getting the help that I needed as well. I have struggled for many years with PTSD from my own experiences and I was never really willing to discuss them with anyone..... until this happened. Every week, I still, five years later, haul my butt into therapy, determined to face this all down. I do this for me, but I also do this for my daughters. They now stand where I once stood, and that is devastating.... but I'm showing them that healing is possible. Happiness after this is possible. And perhaps one day, when they are standing in a dark hour, they will be able to look back and remember that their mother once faced these demons and hopefully they will derive some strength to carry them into their own healing. They both have a long road ahead of them. That is for certain. But they will not do it alone.

I remember a time a few years ago that I saw no light...anywhere. I really didn't think I was going to make it. I was in absolute constant torment. There are no words to describe what I felt. But ladies, I have found light. That doesn't mean that there aren't hard days. But it does mean that I go months without thinking about my ex husband. It means I enjoy life again. It means that I have a great relationship with both of my daughters. It means that food now has taste again. It means there is hope.