Motherless Daughters Community Group
For any daughter who has lost their mother, whether through Death (if it's been one day ago or 40 years ago) or Abandonment, (i.e.-drug abuse, mental illness, physical or emotional abuse, etc.) and is working through the grief process. This group provides unconditional support and understanding from women who have also lost their Moms and who truly care.
Hi group, it's been a while since I visited. It's been 4 years and 4 months since my Mum died, and I feel like I am in the biggest hole I have ever been in. The first 18 months I was in shock, looking after a 3 year old and my new daughter, packing up Mum's house and sorting out a very complicated estate. When we scattered Mum's ashes after 18 months, it opened up the grief and shock, and all the emotion overtook me, panic, terror, grief, the trauma, and the past 3 years has been up and down, revisiting waves of grief and trying to process the trauma, while being a busy Mum to little kids. There have been family breakdowns, another traumatic death of a beloved Aunty, and all sorts of family complications. I know you can all relate. Now here I stand, what feels like a long time on, and I feel more depressed, anxious, hopeless and exhausted than ever!!
I'm seeking reassurance from anyone, but in particular those in the group who have managed to find peace and joy again, and I would love to hear how long the journey was for you. I know it's so different for every one of us, but I am feeling so scared and desperate right now. I look at my Dad and my Brother and they seem happy and peaceful again. I feel like I am failing at this process, failing at life really. My kids are so full of joy every day, I want to be that joyful, energised Mum for them, and just feel terrified.
I feel like there must be a key to all of this, something that I am not doing right to get through this - to be stronger (?) But I just feel so heartbroken, and just so not like myself ;(( Thanks everyone.
I'm seeking reassurance from anyone, but in particular those in the group who have managed to find peace and joy again, and I would love to hear how long the journey was for you. I know it's so different for every one of us, but I am feeling so scared and desperate right now. I look at my Dad and my Brother and they seem happy and peaceful again. I feel like I am failing at this process, failing at life really. My kids are so full of joy every day, I want to be that joyful, energised Mum for them, and just feel terrified.
I feel like there must be a key to all of this, something that I am not doing right to get through this - to be stronger (?) But I just feel so heartbroken, and just so not like myself ;(( Thanks everyone.
I lost my mom at 16. It was a long journey thru my adulthood and i often wished i had guidance. Went thru vety similar feelings you had, when i became a mother.
Now i am 45. And, maybe i am the first to admit this....but i have begun to let her go. And yes, i have found joy...or started to. Seems like a part of me has shed off. I am able to be my own mother, meaning that, i no longer look for my mom. I am mothering myself. When i first felt like this, when i first felt that i wanted to let her go, i felt guilty...because a part of me wanted to hang on, as a testament that i still love her.
But after some deep soul searching, i realized that, even if i let her go, it does not mean i love her any less. It does not mean i dont honor her, or memories of her. It doesn not mean i will forget about her. None of this.
It only means that i have fully...or at least on the way...to be a self actualized motherless daughter. I have learnt to find acceptance in my past as veing motherless, and i refuse to let it hold me from leading a full life. A life where i no longer look for another mom, or wonder if i am missing a piece of myself just because..i dont have a mom. Because i am NOT missing any piece of myself. I am already whole, even the part that lost a mom.
I actualy do not like the term motherless daughters...because it impliess a sense of lack..now i know i kight generate some vehemence disagreement here...and thats ok. ..but i beleive, because i have come to this place of acceptance, i do not want to define myself as any sense of lacking. Yes i lost my mom, and yes it impacted my life in huge ways....for most of my life...but now, i will go forward on my own, and not let this define me any longer. There is so so so much more to all of us, than this 'Motherless Daughters' name that we carry.
So please beleive, that you WILL find peace, and joy, and it does not have to take as long as it took me. YOU are your own greatest asset. You dont need a mom to define who yoy are capable of being. You already are, the wonderful mom you are, and the wonderful person you are.
Yes, cherish your mom, treasure the memories, remember her with fondness and love. Always. But one day you will realize that, losing your mom no longer holds you captive. And that losing your mom, which used to be the worst thing that happened to you, will also be the best thing to happen to you (ane please dont take this ths wrong way...i only meant it as, it makes you the resilient person you are).
Hope Edelman referred to this new persona as the sphinx, i beleive. We emerge as stronger, more self sufficient, and much wiser women.
I would not want to be different
When you write about mothering yourself I can really connect to this, because I know that I struggle enormously with this, and a big part of my anxiety is the scared child in me, feeling completely terrified and insecure in life, without my Mum here to continue to provide me with guidance and support, reassurance, validation - nurturing cuddles. I feel like I am unable to live without her - but I know that I have been living without her for 4.4 years at the same time. But when the fear takes over - I forget that I have that ability to mother myself and soothe that scared part of me - I see that I have spent years seeking it out from others since Mum died, family, husband, friends - health professionals. I've seen so many doctors over the years, and had so many medical tests - it's all fear driven, I see that now.
Yesterday my therapist reminded me that my inner child has been running the show, and that I am letting the fear make decisions for me, when I need to DO more and think less (easier said than done for a thinker). So myself. It's exhausting! and what I wouldn't give for 5 minutes with Mum to soothe me, and just let me know everything will be alright - I feel like it would top me up for a lifetime! But I guess everyone feels this way after they lose parents - no matter what age. I'm trying to treat my 'inner child' like I would my daughter now - and turn to nurturing instead of judgment and criticism.
Anyway, such a timely response! Your message means a lot to me, THANK YOU thank you x