We all have times where we need to rant in a moment of panic. We have to lean on each other as women, as moms, as empathetic human beings. I could almost cry reading your post, the thought that I can no longer go to my grandma's house hurts me to the core. I miss her so much and all the good times we had just hanging out and playing cards, having meals, sitting on the patio and listening to the birds. It was my comfort zone, my escape from the world. I knew when I went there I was loved. Where is that place now? It's all gone. You must have some of those same thoughts. It has been 20 years for me. My mom died a few years before her. I got really close to my grandma after my mom died. Grandpa died right after my mom, so my grandma and I were left alone and we became close, she was like a mom, but like a best friend too.

I have had to move on, and ever so reluctantly. It's always seemed to me to be one of those things that is so far beyone my control. I have no choice, I have to move on. There's not a good solution to the problem, but we have to live in a way that honors our dear departed. We have to behave as if to make them proud. Live for them and carry on their memory. It's like a duty, they gave us life and taught us so much and we owe it to them. It's all a very natural thing for us to lose our loved ones. Your level of grief speaks to how close you must have been. Scoop up your kids and help them to continue to know your mum. Your mum would never want you to give up on living because she died. So it's time to find that mum strength and focus. Take a moment of reflection every day to cry and look at pictures, or pray, or whatever makes you feel close to her. Then after your specified time is over, carry on with your day and get down to business. You can do it. It will be hard at times, just be realistic about that.

I also have to say that you must be a remarkable woman if you have lost your mother, and had a baby and had the mental awareness to post here on this website. That is alot of stuff to deal with in a short time. Dont think that just because your psychologist told you something that that is the only solution. God equipped you with some serious gumtion. You are a wife and a mother filled with a purpose. Anything is possible.

I have had to rebuild my whole life. We don't have much family to begin with. We moved where we have no family and we have gotten involved in things that have helped us connect with other families. When we first moved here I felt so depressed and lonely that I was losing my mind and always angry. Then I joined a MOPS group (Mothers of Preschoolers), and that helped me to get out and connect with others. I feel like they saved my life because it was such a hard time. Then, we did homeschool for about 4 years and made even more connections. Now, my boys play baseball and we have a "baseball family" where we see those friends often. We have other families that we vacation with and spend holidays with. I thank God that they are in our life because they keep us from being so lonely. I get sad that my boys won't personally know my mom or my grandparents, but there are many many people that fill our lives now. When you are ready you will start to fill that vacancy with others that want to be a part of your life and you will enjoy it. It might be hard to see that light at the end of the tunnel now but it's there. You have the ablitily to open your heart and let others in. Maybe you will feel open enough to invite someone for dinner or just tea. It starts small, but God can do big things with it. And your mum would bless the whole thing.
All the best to you.- Cari

Cari, I can't tell you how much your reply means to me. Thank you so much for your encouraging words of support, for sharing some of your story, and just making the effort to respond to my comment. It's renewed my strength.

All the very best for the holidays