Motherless Daughters Community Group
For any daughter who has lost their mother, whether through Death (if it's been one day ago or 40 years ago) or Abandonment, (i.e.-drug abuse, mental illness, physical or emotional abuse, etc.) and is working through the grief process. This group provides unconditional support and understanding from women who have also lost their Moms and who truly care.
My problem is this. My Mom had alot of issues. She had mental problems and then began having physical problems. Her brothers and 1 sister never seemed to be there for her and help her out. I had to try and help my mom (she lived in her own place) and raise four children, work, and go to school. Her 2 brothers live in another state but her sister lived 1 mile away from h er and didnt work. I am mad because my Mom and her sister talked every day and the day at about 10 am or 11 am and the day my Mom died my Aunt tried to call her at 10 am or 11 am and my Mom didnt answer. I was at work and when I got home my aunt called me (which she never does!) so I answered her call at 330 pm wondering why she was calling because she NEVER calls and she says I am worried about your Mom I havent heard from her and when I called, she didnt answer. I said well, she probably is taking a nap or taking a shower and my aunt said can you go and check on her. I said I would. I went to check on my Mom and she was already dead with the phone in her hand a a number 9 on the phone. My question is why didnt my Aunt go check on my Mom? Why did she wait until I got home 4 1/2 hours later for me to check on her??? What is wrong with people?!?!?!?!?!?!?! I am having anger issues but I am not telling her because I dont want to hurt her feelings plus she is probably already feeling guilt. Another thing is 15 days after my Mom died , my sister (my only sister and I have no brothers that I grew up with)died. I only hear from my sisters husband and one cousin. They call to check on me and they are both men??? Where is the rest of my family?? I dont get it??? Can anyone please explain this to me. I really haave hard feeling about this. I need to work these feelings out because I do not want to keep feeling this way. Oh well.... its just the way my family is. Does anyone out there relate to this??
As for your aunt not going to check on your mom, maybe she was afraid of exactly what you found. Some people can't deal with a tragedy like this and they just do anything they can to stay away from it and maybe she sensed that something was wrong and was too afraid to go and find your mom. I don't know what she was feeling or thinking but I suggest to you to speak to her from your heart and ask her so that maybe you can have that question answered and it may even help with your feelings of anger toward her.
I am so sorry that you lost your mom and your sister within days of each other. I can't imagine the pain you are going through having to endure two deaths and honestly I think you are amazing for even seeking help here because if it were me I would probably be hid away somewhere going out of my mind. I wish you well and I hope you find some peace and answers you are looking for. I am here anytime you need to vent or just a friend to give you a kind word. BIG HUGS to you. ~Angela
First, heartfelt condolences. The situation you describe must be taking a seriously emotional toll on so many. The questions you ask - will remain in your mind and heart, perhaps forever, but will just get more numb with time. Family have a habit - of not being there when needed. My Mom died in Sept. (two visits in over a year); Dad in March - NOBODY from my side of the family came - in one case not even an email, card or phone of condolence for my Dad. (My parents were not together but my family knew he was still my father, that I was taking care of him while alive and his funeral arrangements.) My first Mother's Day without Mom, I got numerous calls from friends - but not one family member. Family? Don't go there with this poster !
I can't speak for logistics (how close did you Aunt live to your Mom) or why she waited till 3:30 to call you. I'd be asking the same questions as you. But sometimes we can't explain why we did/didn't do the simplest things. Before caregiving, while still working, I called Mom. When she didn't answer, I called a neighbor who told me her car was in driveway. That worried me, so I left work and ran home. Mom was just fine - but getting VERY hard of hearing and hadn't heard the phone....But I'd thought the worst and was expecting to find what you did. With Mom's hearing, if it happened a second time, would I have run home?
We do our best in situations but look back wondering why we didn't do better. Can you imagine how your Aunt must feel - while she may not say it? If she was close enough to check on your Mom - or maybe asking herself why she didn't call YOU sooner...she just may not be sharing those feelings out loud. You have alot of steps to take emotionally, and there's no set time schedule for how it works. First, you have to mourn while it's all fresh and these thoughts are haunting you. Once you've stopped mourning, your grief may last a long time - the situation you describe will keep the grief alive, perhaps longer than the norm, and those same thoughts will still haunt you...But you mustn't push, rush - or blame yourself. And unless you know of some definite reason that your Aunt obstinately refused to check on your Mom - she can't be blamed either.
What's wrong with people? I can't answer that. I can relate to some other family issues that are surfacing in my family - after my Mom died - turning me into a pit bull against them. Family doesn't call me to "check" on me - one stopped calling the week they heard my Dad died....What's wrong with people? What's wrong with FAMILY is perhaps the biggest question? But please, don't blame yourself or your Aunt. Just know that the two of you are sharing in a very similar type of grief - the loss - and the "woulda', coulda', shoulda's" - (I have them, too) - and we can't turn back the clock.
Later on, I discovered their son stopped by earlier in the day, banged on the door, rang the bell, knocked, but got no response. He looked in the garage and saw Dad's car there, so knew he was home. Why didn't he break in when there was no response?? Or call my brother?? He said he thought maybe dad was taking a nap. So, wake him up! Dad had all the time in the world for naps, so he wouldn't have been mad had he really been napping. I just know that maybe he wouldn't have laid there for another 10 hours or so before being discovered at midnight.
Time will heal this wound, and you will get past it regarding the family thing. But, things happen for a reason, and it wasn't meant to be for your mom or my dad to have gotten the prompt attention we think they should have had. Hugs...
But there are some who are just downright cruel. And that is so foreign to me and the nature of my mother.
Why people have to be cruel to those who are grieving is beyond me. If anyone figures it out, let me know!
But there are some who are just downright cruel. And that is so foreign to me and the nature of my mother.
Why people have to be cruel to those who are grieving is beyond me. If anyone figures it out, let me know!
The anger you are feeling is totally normal - although I bet you don't feel that way at the moment.
One lesson I have learned since my mum passed away is that the majority of people just go on with their lives and even though they may think of you and your loss, they don't take the time to pick up the phone and say hi or drop in and see how you are. It is a hard lesson to learn I can assure you - I have had lots of questions going around in my head about this very issue. But four months on, I have had a clean out of my life! For all the people that I THOUGHT cared about me and haven't bothered to call, I no longer waste my time or energy stressing about their lack of support. If I saw any of these people at the shop or out somewhere I would say hello - I am not the type of person to ignore or bear grudges, but you just learn the meaning of TRUE friends.
I have said quite a few times on here that the people on MD have been so nicer and kind to me and have become friends ( even if only cyber friends!) but the friendship and love on here is 1,000,000 times better than what I have received from my so called friends here where I live.
The thing that really hurt me, is that I give 110% too my friendships. I dont expect anything in return, but when you DO need a shoulder to cry on or just have a chat, you would think that your friends would be there wouldnt you?
Sorry - I have made this about me and my friendship issuies. I just wanted to try and explain why people seem to stay away from you.
I can fully understand why you would be angry with your aunt. But try not to bear a grudge. As hard as it is, your mum's passing may have not been prevented by your aunt visiting. But as I said, I understand your feelings about this. I would feel the same.
I am glad that your brother in law and cousin call you.
We are all here for you - but it would be so much nicer for you if you had family and friends around.
Love to you ,
Hope things get better for you sweetie
Sam
xoxoxoxo