Motherless Daughters Community Group

For any daughter who has lost their mother, whether through Death (if it's been one day ago or 40 years ago) or Abandonment, (i.e.-drug abuse, mental illness, physical or emotional abuse, etc.) and is working through the grief process. This group provides unconditional support and understanding from women who have also lost their Moms and who truly care.

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deleted_user 07/12/2008

Well, to sort of explain why I have been mostly missing lately - severe migranes and then this week's group was my third visit & this time I came away feeling angry and guilty. This time there were two others that had lost a parent - a mother and a father. I kept telling myself I would shelve these feelings until Sunday because of work (still here right now!) and the raw edges are gone now. The one woman kept saying how she was the favorite of her siblings with her father etc. and it brought back when I took off two weeks to take care of mom, she and her friend were trying to figure out how mom could get to TX to my sister's. Now mind you, she couldn't get out of the wheel chair by herself at this time. I didn't have the $ to go back and forth on weekends and I figured I could help better by taking the time off work and just stay. One other brother did this. The others came and went on Sat and Sun but for my youngest brother that lived near and needed all of us to help. So my point is, I am angry that I was there and made to feel like I wasn't good enough for mom. I felt this then but kept shelving it. Then there is the guilt for not getting back before she passed (less than a month) like I had said. I called my oldest brother last night for his birthday and he did not answer and I have no doubt he was home. But the thing is, I couldn't deal with the pain during the week because of my migrane and I knew if I allowed the pain in, it would make my migrane worse. Now, it seems I have been able to push it back away again which I know is not good. God forbid I ever make either one of my kids feel less loved than the other. I sent my sister the "grace" necklase I found for her BD and have not even heard if she got it, which I am sure she did. On top of that, today is 9 months that mom is gone. So why, while grieving, do we still have to deal with anger and guilt and feeling less loved and wanted. Thanks for listening. (PS Nat, I did buy some flowers for mom, but I don't have a vase of hers and the one I have looks awful, but this will be a work in progress for me and thanks for the idea!). Take good care and wishing peace for us all. sharon

deleted_user 07/12/2008

Sharon,

It is very difficult to feel less loved than others. I am more than sure that your parents loved you ALL just as much as the others.We are all individuals and are treated as such. I have four kids and have totally different relationships with each of them. But I love them all the same!

It seems strange that your sister would not acknowledge that she got the necklace - that actually is not fair to you. She should at least let you know. And maybe your brother wasn't home when you rang. Give him the benefit of the doubt.

A lesson that I have learned in the six months since my Mum has gone - and believe me it has been a hard lesson - is that although YOU may be a caring and unselfish person, sadly others may not be that way. And you can't MAKE them be that way. We all show things in different ways.

Sharon, you are a wonderful person. Your mum knows you care and love her.

It is about time for you to take care of yourself. Don't worry about your siblings - look after you! You are the one dealing with migraines. They arent!

Please take care of yourself,
Sam
xoxoxo

deleted_user 07/12/2008

Sharon, I am so glad you got the flowers. Buy them every week if you can. I do. It's my little way of being with Mom, I put them by her picture and tell her they are for her.. Check the florist, you can buy a clear one cheap. As for your other pains, mostly your mom's anniversary date, I am so sorry you are having all these feelings on top of that. I know how much pain this day brings every month. I am here for you, and will pray you feel better soon. I know you were loved dearly by your mom, thats how mom's do, love their kids, you remember that and tell yourself she still loves you very much, just from a little further away. Hugs my dear!

Nat

deleted_user 07/13/2008

I, too, lost two parents in six months - though fathers are not the topic for this forum, this morning, I was weeping for not caring for my Dad more in later years. (My parents had been separated / divorced for years - Mom had made me HER priority, and I did the same for her even though I tried to help Dad, etc.)

My family has become silent, too. No phone calls, contact, etc. It's a cemetery issue - my space near my Mom - that I may be cut out from. How convenient for them. In recent months, I'd become more verbal, and they didn't like it. And I can't even get signed affidavits for my rightful space - they're withholding addresses from me. When I notified them (six months after Mom's passing) of Dad's passing, one didn't even email me a one-line condolence. NO ONE asked about coming to his wake (okay he walked on my Mom - but my father's family told me they would have come to Mom's). Family? Don't speak of them. Sometimes, they're the first ones you have to be careful of.

Jeansbaby said it best - not everyone will be as caring and unselfish as yourself. Your sister was out of line not acknowledging the necklace, and if I were you, I wouldn't part with anything further at this point based on your post. I'm so sorry that you have the pain of the nine-month anniversary.

deleted_user 07/15/2008

Another night at the grief group. Not as heart wrenching but we had a different counselor. There were new people there that have lost parents also. If it kills me, I will keep going and I thank all of you for pushing me (espec. Anna who I miss so very much). Thank you all for this wonderful group and for all of your encouragement and support. Sharon

deleted_user 07/15/2008

Hey Sharon, is this something you would recommend to those here in need. How has a made a difference for you? I am glad you are sharing you process with us, I believe it may help others. You are a great friend here to MD and so lucky to have you. Kyle has been attending grief sessions as well. Please feel free to talk to him about it from a son's perspective if you'd like. He thinks the world of you, and so do I. Hugs to you.

Hugs, nat

deleted_user 07/16/2008

The grief support group I joined has meant the world to me - I've met a wonderful older woman (she's 69) who's like an auntie to me - we have the best time together, just talking about our feelings (she lost her husband 3 years ago; her mother was murdered by her stepfather when she was 17), and just talking about LIFE - the group is on hiatus for the summer, but will start again in September. I'm looking forward to it.

I've been out from work this Monday and Tuesday due to a nasty cold/severe sore throat, so it's been a depressing couple of days. *sigh* But, life goes on, and thank god we've found eachother and this site - I'd be a wreck without you all!
Love, Dawn

deleted_user 07/17/2008

Nat, to answer you, yes, I would recommend the grief counseling for most anybody. Especially for somebody like me that has chosen denial and is not able to share with my siblings. These people seem to understand. It is emotionally hard and hurts like hell when I am done and I am exhausted emotionally. I have a long way to go though,so I need to keep pushing myself to go. Hope you are feeling better Dawn! Take good care, Sharon

deleted_user 07/29/2008

Ok, admission time. I skipped last week. I had a really rough day at work and was just not up to the emotions. I went tonight and just came away frustrated. Too many people and mostly those that lost a spouse again. No offense to them, but it is a different kind of grief and loss. So now, I am wishing I would have come home and gotten things done for my trip to Orlando. I will go back next week though and give it another try. Take good care, Sharon

deleted_user 07/30/2008

Sharon- Keep trying the grief counseling...we need as much support as we can get from as many different sources as possible. And I agree, the loss of a spouse is horrible and painful, but just not the same. It helps to share in a group therapy situation with those who know your exact experience. I hope your migraines have let up and that you are feeling better. Big hugs to you, sweetie.
Love-Holly

deleted_user 07/30/2008

I will say from the stand point of not having any more family, except my son, I have learned that sometimes you have to make your own family. I find that my friends have been the most amazing support system I could have asked for, and of course, talking things out on here help too. So, (pardon my french) f**k your family if they don't want a wonderful person such as yourself in their lives... at least you know you tried your best with them.

(as a side note, it irratates me when family doesnt want to bother with each other! life is so short! I say foster as many healthy relationships as you can! It is their loss, and it can all be gone before you know it...)

deleted_user 07/30/2008

Holly, I will go back and keep trying and yes, my head is better (today).
Craftnurd, you are right about family and I am accepting this - if they can't be bothered too damned bad. And my fear is they one of us 7 kids could go and then we will have all grown apart. I am greatful for being able to come here and vent! Love you all! Sharon

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