Well, to sort of explain why I have been mostly missing lately - severe migranes and then this week's group was my third visit & this time I came away feeling angry and guilty. This time there were two others that had lost a parent - a mother and a father. I kept telling myself I would shelve these feelings until Sunday because of work (still here right now!) and the raw edges are gone now. The one woman kept saying how she was the favorite of her siblings with her father etc. and it brought back when I took off two weeks to take care of mom, she and her friend were trying to figure out how mom could get to TX to my sister's. Now mind you, she couldn't get out of the wheel chair by herself at this time. I didn't have the $ to go back and forth on weekends and I figured I could help better by taking the time off work and just stay. One other brother did this. The others came and went on Sat and Sun but for my youngest brother that lived near and needed all of us to help. So my point is, I am angry that I was there and made to feel like I wasn't good enough for mom. I felt this then but kept shelving it. Then there is the guilt for not getting back before she passed (less than a month) like I had said. I called my oldest brother last night for his birthday and he did not answer and I have no doubt he was home. But the thing is, I couldn't deal with the pain during the week because of my migrane and I knew if I allowed the pain in, it would make my migrane worse. Now, it seems I have been able to push it back away again which I know is not good. God forbid I ever make either one of my kids feel less loved than the other. I sent my sister the "grace" necklase I found for her BD and have not even heard if she got it, which I am sure she did. On top of that, today is 9 months that mom is gone. So why, while grieving, do we still have to deal with anger and guilt and feeling less loved and wanted. Thanks for listening. (PS Nat, I did buy some flowers for mom, but I don't have a vase of hers and the one I have looks awful, but this will be a work in progress for me and thanks for the idea!). Take good care and wishing peace for us all. sharon
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