My worst nightmare came true yesterday as I was sitting in my good friend's Christmas concert. I started cramping badly and I could feel the blood starting as the choir was singing away on the stage. I excused myself to the bathroom in the intermission. There was a long line and of course as my uterus is writhing with pain and expelling its contents, a pregnant woman of about 7-8 months gets in line right behind me! Ugh! I know I "shouldn't" have felt bitter, but I did. A beautiful pregnant woman with her beautiful belly right there next to me as I am losing my little bean. It felt so ironic and tragic and unfair! Of course, I have no idea what it took her to get there, to be pregnant and carrying that little one, but still the bitter feeling was there and still kind of is.

But I digress. I get into the stall and I find a blood mess. I passed huge clots and then I see my Little Bean in the toilet. Placenta and all. The cramping stopped almost immediately after I passed all the tissue. I was paralyzed. The scientist in me (I am a physician assistant) wanted to examine the fetus closely... to possibly see what was wrong? (I doubt I would be able to see that)... To say good bye? Just out of curiosity? I don't know. The other part of me did not want to see at all! I almost wish I could unsee that tragic and gruesome horror that happened after my Little Bean died... I saw my little baby, his/her little arms and legs, about 2 cm, maybe the little hands. I was 9 weeks and 2 days along.

I was fortunately able to think to NOT flush the toilet with my little bean in there. The thought of the tragic end to the pregnancy to be followed by me flushing little bean down the toilet would have made it even more sad than it already was. I wrapped little bean in some toilet paper and my friend had a vessel that acted as a coffin. My friends then drove me to the arboretum where we went to the top of a big hill that is very peaceful and overlooks many trees and you can see the Boston skyline there. The sky was clear and there were as many stars as I have ever seen in the city sky. One of my friends dug a small hole and we placed Little Bean in it. One of my friends said a prayer and we all cried and hugged and then we covered Little Bean. My friends took me home and spent the evening. I drank way too much red wine... I regret that. Having not had a drink for 40+ days, this hangover is just awful. Not good coping skills there, but in the moment, it seemed like the "right" choice. My friends were so supportive. They stayed the night and I slept wedged between them. They have kept me distracted and entertained and are very loving to me. I might add that I do not currently live in Boston (I completed graduate school in August at Northeastern University in Boston) and my husband was visiting with his brother and parents back in Ohio, which is why I haven't mentioned him in this.

I felt the pregnancy was doomed from the start. My husband and I married on Oct. 25 and I found out I was pregnant on Nov. 2 while we were on our honeymoon in the Chilean Patagonia. We were thrilled b/c we figured it would take a lot longer than one try, but we were lucky. At around 5 weeks I started spotting brown. I was nervous, but I couldn't see the doctor until we got back to the US. When we did get back I immediately called the OB and was sent to the lab to get an hCG quant. At almost 7 weeks it was 5,718. I was told to get a second quant done two days later. I was unable to 48 hours later, but went at about 64 hours and the result was 6,480. Not doubling. Not close to it. I became a Google expert. I Googled everything. And there were some good stories and some sad stories. It was so unsettling and nerve racking and I convinced myself that I had either an ectopic or a blighted ovum. The day of my ultrasound was terrifying. I was so anxious to know what was going on, but AFRAID! I've always wanted to be a mother and the thought of anything being wrong with my baby was so scary. I was prepared for the worst, but then MAGIC! We heard Little Bean's heart beating at 147 bpm. And I saw him/her. So, so, so cute even though s/he more closely resembled a tadpole with the little tail. At that moment I realized that this was all happening for real! I was pregnant and a dream was about to be realized in 7 months. I felt VERY attached to my baby! I made my husband kiss the ultrasound photo every night before turning off the light and we placed our hands over my uterus and sent Little Bean positive vibes.

The slow rising hCG haunted my thoughts. I did know that statistically the chances for miscarriage go down once you see the heartbeat, but in a way I wish I had not known that. It allowed me to get my hopes up when before I had been prepared for the worst. I know that no matter what, though, nothing would have made this easy. I lost my baby. My sadness waxes and wanes and I know it's going to be quite a process. I am dreading telling my sisters who were over the moon about becoming aunts. I told them b/c I knew that regardless of the outcome I would want and need their support. I am just letting myself process this and then I will tell them when I'm ready. The physical pain is gone, but my heart is broken and my mind cannot wrap itself around the fact that my Little Bean has died. My mormon friend told me that they believe that some souls are just too good for this earth and that they come to earth for a brief time to get a body and then part for the heavens. This is soothing and a lovely belief. But I miss my Little Bean. I love my Little Bean. And Little Bean is gone.

My body expelled all the contents. It was so bizarre and I would say traumatic. Like I said, in some ways I really wish I could unsee that. I have very light bleeding and it is painful to see the blood and think that this is all that's left from the pregnancy. I am thankful that I will not need any medical intervention to help the process, but this is painful beyond words. And it does not help that one of my acquaintances from grad school emailed me asking my for vegan recipes for her close friend who is 7 weeks pregnant. I know she has no clue about what transpired last night, but I irrationally feel angry at her! I do not want to know about AT ALL! It seems everyone I know is pregnant and I am thinking about suspending my FaceBook account for awhile just so I don't have to see all the ultrasounds and birth announcements. It's too painful. I want my Little Bean back. My darling little baby Bean.

I will allow me and my husband a chance to grieve but I am looking forward to trying for our rainbow baby as soon as my body resets.

Peace, love, and much health to all of you. And I am very sorry for the novel!