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My husband and I have only been married for a year next Sunday but we have not lived or acted like a normal married couple.
For starters, we have been together a total of 3 years, we were engaged 5 months into our relationship and engaged for a year. He doesn't come from the best situation. His family leaches off of each other as a daily part of life. The house we have is on the same property as his parents, and all my brother and sister in laws and kids included. They walk into our house and use things without asking and they are always in our business. I have no privacy, my husband doesn't seem to care or want to change these things. In February, his younger brother who tends to wanna start fights moved in with us along with his wife and 3 kids and in the last month me and him (my brother in law) got into a physical altercation with each other. I asked my husband to throw him out but he didnt. I told him I was afraid but he still let his brother come back. My husband has never been one to truly consider my feelings, he says he does but his actions prove otherwise. He's helpful with things, like if I need something, unless it's cleaning the house, he'll do it. I feel like those needs are met but my emotional needs have never been met. We don't talk or communicate like most couples. I'll get texts saying "I love you" or "I miss you" and that's as far as it gets. When I'm home, he spends all his time on his video games and computer and I just watch TV and stay on my phone and try talking to him about stuff, he shows no interest in what I have to say but he loves to talk about everything that's going on with him. He always tries to one up me on things, kind of poking fun at my weaknesses in a subtle way. All these things though are little annoyances and not my main reason for considering separating.
Here comes the big stuff...my husband doesn't include me in any of our finances, we have no joint accounts, we don't own this home together nor do we own our vehicle. He won't let me have access to any of that and when I ask he just lies about stuff. He said the bank wouldn't let us have a joint account and the car and house are just "yeah I plan to". I was out of a job for 7 months and in that time things were very hard, we couldn't afford to buy food or anything, we'd get our water shut off constantly and our electricity. I'd sell clothing or old appliances, whatever I could find to have a little bit of money. My husband had always told me our money was going to the $650 car payment we owed, which that's another thing he didn't consult me about was buying such an expensive vehicle knowing we had our future to think about and he was in debt to begin with. Little by little things just started to not add up. He'd be coming home with meals he bought to take to work with money he said we didn't have and then I found out from his mom not too long ago that he hadn't paid his payment since the month before we got married. We also got a $3500 tax return which I only saw $500 of...the rest he said went to paying the loan companies we owed, yet to this day were still receiving past due notices and court affidavits. Where did the money go?
In November of last year, a few months after we were married I found he had made accounts on several dating sites and sex personals. I really shouldve left then as devestated as I was but he cried and begged me not to leave and said it wasn't him who made those profiles but a friend of his being funny, then he changed the story simply saying he has a porn addiction but he still sticks with it that he didn't make those pages. I wasn't born yesterday.
In the last month, he was coming home way late past the time he gets off at 2 am and he was making up excuses left and right for why he was late. My mom got put in the hospital and I've been very sick with my lupus so it's been a distraction from things. Now since it's been this month, he's been on his best behavior and not been doing anything, that I know of. Maybe he's gotten better at covering his tracks but I'm finding more and more that I'm not truly happy with him, I feel like our whole life is a lie. I've never been 100% happy and my depression just seems to get worse when I think of our future and how I know we'll never move forward. I don't know what to do...even though he's hurt me, I know leaving him will come as a complete surprise and it'll devastate him. What should I do?
For starters, we have been together a total of 3 years, we were engaged 5 months into our relationship and engaged for a year. He doesn't come from the best situation. His family leaches off of each other as a daily part of life. The house we have is on the same property as his parents, and all my brother and sister in laws and kids included. They walk into our house and use things without asking and they are always in our business. I have no privacy, my husband doesn't seem to care or want to change these things. In February, his younger brother who tends to wanna start fights moved in with us along with his wife and 3 kids and in the last month me and him (my brother in law) got into a physical altercation with each other. I asked my husband to throw him out but he didnt. I told him I was afraid but he still let his brother come back. My husband has never been one to truly consider my feelings, he says he does but his actions prove otherwise. He's helpful with things, like if I need something, unless it's cleaning the house, he'll do it. I feel like those needs are met but my emotional needs have never been met. We don't talk or communicate like most couples. I'll get texts saying "I love you" or "I miss you" and that's as far as it gets. When I'm home, he spends all his time on his video games and computer and I just watch TV and stay on my phone and try talking to him about stuff, he shows no interest in what I have to say but he loves to talk about everything that's going on with him. He always tries to one up me on things, kind of poking fun at my weaknesses in a subtle way. All these things though are little annoyances and not my main reason for considering separating.
Here comes the big stuff...my husband doesn't include me in any of our finances, we have no joint accounts, we don't own this home together nor do we own our vehicle. He won't let me have access to any of that and when I ask he just lies about stuff. He said the bank wouldn't let us have a joint account and the car and house are just "yeah I plan to". I was out of a job for 7 months and in that time things were very hard, we couldn't afford to buy food or anything, we'd get our water shut off constantly and our electricity. I'd sell clothing or old appliances, whatever I could find to have a little bit of money. My husband had always told me our money was going to the $650 car payment we owed, which that's another thing he didn't consult me about was buying such an expensive vehicle knowing we had our future to think about and he was in debt to begin with. Little by little things just started to not add up. He'd be coming home with meals he bought to take to work with money he said we didn't have and then I found out from his mom not too long ago that he hadn't paid his payment since the month before we got married. We also got a $3500 tax return which I only saw $500 of...the rest he said went to paying the loan companies we owed, yet to this day were still receiving past due notices and court affidavits. Where did the money go?
In November of last year, a few months after we were married I found he had made accounts on several dating sites and sex personals. I really shouldve left then as devestated as I was but he cried and begged me not to leave and said it wasn't him who made those profiles but a friend of his being funny, then he changed the story simply saying he has a porn addiction but he still sticks with it that he didn't make those pages. I wasn't born yesterday.
In the last month, he was coming home way late past the time he gets off at 2 am and he was making up excuses left and right for why he was late. My mom got put in the hospital and I've been very sick with my lupus so it's been a distraction from things. Now since it's been this month, he's been on his best behavior and not been doing anything, that I know of. Maybe he's gotten better at covering his tracks but I'm finding more and more that I'm not truly happy with him, I feel like our whole life is a lie. I've never been 100% happy and my depression just seems to get worse when I think of our future and how I know we'll never move forward. I don't know what to do...even though he's hurt me, I know leaving him will come as a complete surprise and it'll devastate him. What should I do?
1cor723
Wow. Your situation sounds somewhat similar to mine. Your husband has a sex addiction. That's where the money is going. Those accounts WERE his. My friend set it up as a joke? EVERYONE says that. The difference between us is that I have always been in charge of the finances, so it was hard for him to get away with that. People with this problem are emotionally crippled. My husband is, too. You can think the porn for that. Check out yourbrainonporn.com. A separation gave my husband some clarity, but it's still a daily battle. If it would hurt him for you to leave, then leave. You don't have to file for divorce. But if he starts begging you to come back, you can set some boundaries and stipulations with regard to your marriage and his behavior. And if he knows you are willing to walk away, that speaks volumes. I'm sorry you are going through this. It is NO fun.
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