Hello, I am new to this site.  I'm currently dating a Marine that I recently reconnected with after about four years. I first met this man (N) when I was in college when we were both on a dating site for college students. We connected really well back then, he had recently graduated and I was getting ready to graduate at the time. We spent a lot of time getting to know eachother and flirting but we had a bit of a distance issue. He was living in NY and I was in school in MA and eventually moved home to ME after completing my studies. Shortly after returning home I ended up meeting a man locally and as things developed there I told N that I was dating someone and that I was starting to feel like I was cheating on N with this other man. He was extremely understanding and told me not to worry about it. Unfortunately the relationship I entered into was extremely toxic and I was severely abused by a narcissist. A few months back I finally was able to get out of that relationship for good and spent a good deal of time really evaluating myself and what I needed. 

Shortly after getting back into the dating world, I received an Instagram follower request from N. My heart stopped. N was the one person that I have always had a thing for despite never actually being together. Matter of fact, back when we were talking before I had told a friend that I had this weird feeling that N was who I was supposed to be with. After accepting his request, N ending up sending me a message and from that point we talked non-stop for a couple weeks. During our first conversation after reconnecting N informed me that he was a few weeks out from deployment. At that point I didn't envision that N and I would reconnect as well as we did because I was nervous about his intention initially.

Well over the next few days we talked about everything. He dug to find out about my past and then assumed this protector role. He discussed my career plans and told me he was proud of who I have become and where I am going. We discussed marriage and children and where we wanted to be in terms of that stuff in the coming years. We stayed up all night talking and then would talk all day. He initiated the conversation about whether I thought I could date long distance, and whether I thought I could handle dating while he was deployed. I told him that at this point in my life, I am willing to do anything for love because I want to get married and have children so if dating long distance or while he was deployed was necessary, I have no qualms about it. I want to find my person and I've always felt strongly about N so I'm willing to give it all I have to see if he could be my person. When I asked N if he thought he could handle dating while he was deployed he said that he could because with me he has no doubt that I would be faithful.

Truly everything was going great. We had discussed when we would finally be able to be in each other's presence and how amazing that would be. That was until the week before he deployed. He and some of the guys had gone to a larger city about an hour from base for the weekend and we were talking pretty well during that time but I wanted him to enjoy time with his friends with deployment so close. After a night out at the bars and drinking he called me and we had a sweet conversation in which he was afraid to tell me about his night because he had had an altercation with some guy at the bar and he told me he was afraid I would think badly of him and that he REALLY liked me and didnt want me to walk away. It was really cute. But then after that he seemed to ghost me. 

I ended up reaching out after a few days and I told him I knew he was busy gettin ready to leave but that I just wanted to make sure we were on the same page. He told me that he was sorry for being quiet and that he had just been busy. He told me he was afraid that I was getting too attached and that he was afraid that I would get hurt. I asked him what he meant by that and he said that because he couldn't give me constant attention he was afraid I would get hurt. I explained to him that I don't need constant attention and that the only way he would hurt me was if he wasnt honest with me about what he wanted and where he wanted this to go. Well he told me not to worry that we would stay in touch when he left.

We didnt talk for a few more days and then in the middle of the night I received a call at 3 am from N. We ended up video chatting and he told me that he would be leaving later that morning. During our call he told me a couple of times that video calling me just before leaving was making it harder because I was the kind of woman that he wanted to take home to his family, that he could see taking me home to his family. After an hour and a half video call we continued to text until he got busy at the airfield. I ended up falling back to sleep and he texted me when he was about to march. Then when they stopped for refueling he send me an instagram message to update me, then again when he stopped in Kuwait for a bit then again once he was finally to his destination.

That first week he was there we talked less than we had but we still talked quite a bit. He told me he missed me and then the following week we talked a lot about some aspects of our lives including him saying that he wanted to move in and kick my roommate out, then when I mentioned that would mean moving to the cold climate of Maine he said he would "chase the girl." Then he made a comment about how he would talk to my brother about enlisting. Things felt good.

Then a couple days later he messaged me and told me that he had just received orders and would going on a "mission" but should be back in a few days. I understood he couldn't tell me much and so I thanked him for letting me know, wished him well and told him I would be thinking of him. The next day, I went "home" to my parents' because my stepfather was going to have a PET scan to determine if masses they had found a couple weeks before were cancerous. Well, they were. This was last week. We discoved that my stepfather, who is as close to me as my biological father, has metastatic cancer and his prognosis is not good. With treatment we're looking at 8 months roughly. As if this devastating news wasnt stressful enough, my mom (who is chronically ill herself) was referred to a neuro surgeon to have a stent placed into her brain AND she was ordered to have a daily IV antibiotic drip daily for 28 days at a hospital about 20 miles from home. Not to mention, I am a fulltime student with a full time job and it is finals time at school. So the man I am dating was on a mission, my stepfather is dying, my mom is sick, I am working 40 hours a week, and I'm trying to prepare for finals. Talk about a stressful week.

I ended up sending N a snap when I saw that he was "active" on instagram just to say I was thinking of him but N had seen a snap story about how I was having an awful week. His first thought was to ask if I was okay but then he apologized for how little we had talked. I told him that he had nothing to be sorry for and that I would tell him about my awful week when he had some time to talk. However after a couple days I couldn't stop thinking about him apologizing so I decided to tell him what had happened while he was out of communication. I explained that I dont want him to worry about me that I will be fine and that my family is strong. 

But now I keep thinking about how my stepfather wont be at my wedding some day. He wont meet my children. Heck, he may not even meet the man I marry and if N is the person I do end up married to, I would LOVE for N to meet my stepfather. I would love to have my stepfather's blessing but N won't be back stateside for another 6 months and that is assuming they don't get extended.

I'm just struggling because I don't want N to worry about me back here, but I also want to explain to N how much this is weighing on me. But then agian N and I haven't defined our relationship either. I have told him that I am all in and that I am serious about seeing where this goes, but I don't know if he is talking to other women so I don't want him to feel pressured or anything. Do I honestly think he is talking to other women/ dating others? No. Truthfully I don't because I trust him probably more than anyone I have ever met and I believe that if he were he would tell me so that I don't get hurt, knowing how invested I am. But I just don't want to apply any further stress on him.

Truthfully, I almost didn't tell him about what is going on because I didn't want him to worry but I also knew that if we do become serious when he gets back, I would have to tell him and I don't think he would like to hear that I was dealing with this without telling him.


But clearly my head is all over the place. I figure if we can make it through the deployment with a.) an undefined relationship and b.) lack of communication while also dealing with something as serious as a parent with cancer, then he and I will be able to make it through anything together if we do become serious because by then we will have learned how to communicate effectively and we will have a commitment to work things out. But we shall see... 

Does anyone have any thoughts about how to handle this undefined relationship or how to grow our relationship while he is deployed, etc.?