I am sitting here, shaking with tremors, as I type. I am having a "bad day" with my emotions as I keep getting flashbacks in my head of the memories of my childhood and how they were surpressed for decades until a few years ago when I began to communicate with other CSA (childhood sexual abuse) and incest survivors on various support groups. The actual diagnosis was finally revealed in that I suffer from PTSD, something that I thought was only experienced by veterans or survivors of other tragic events. While the expression "Knowledge is Power" is a very true statement, it does not help much with the awareness because there is no cure. It appears that I will always have good days and bad days... distraction seems to be the only thing in my power to keep busy so that I do not have time to let my idle mind wander back in time. In addition to PTSD, I also have a very serious anxiety and panic disorder, depression, and a few other conditions. I've been on and off medications and on my fifth Psychiatrist who is trying to help me. The other four experiences went bad to worse, which I did not think was even possible. I feel as though I am just stuck in place and unable to move forward between the horrible tremors and fears of almost everything outside of my comfort zone, which is my home. Because of that, I have very few friends and bored much of the time. It is easy to just let my mind wander back and obsess over the past emotional, physical and sexual abuse that stole my childhood. All I can do sometimes is break down in tears. 

The biggest problem that I have in discussing my past is the emotional stigma of being a victim. Logically I know that I am not the only male survivor in this world but the "whammy" to my thinking is that the abuse was incestuous. Why didn't I tell? Why did it happen? Was he right in telling me that I liked it? So many emotions... guilt, shame, weakness... I still remember those words and threats... "Don't tell..." "or else..." and "nobody will believe you..." Even on CSA sites I have had members challenge me with accusations that I was lying or exaggerating because they had not experienced the same level of abuse that I had. When I have had those experiences following the repeated "nobody will believe you," it stifles me from telling my story. When I have read about abuse stories (ie Sandusky / Hastert) I hear that same question and answer raised by others... Why didn't they tell? They must have enjoyed it. When I tried to tell what was happening, I was told that I was lying. So I kept the secret inside... until a few years ago when I just had a complete breakdown. 

Not only was I used by my brother, he passed me around to his friends. In trying to find some kind of emotional relationship I found myself being seduced by two older male pedophiles, although I did not know that word at the time. I was a very submissive child and teen, rather niave, and was rather attractive with a very thin body in a feminine way, easy to pick out and desperately in need of attention and affection. I felt as though the only way to get that was by pleasing others. That was how I was groomed and conditioned. To this day I continue to have sex anxiety and now almost completely celibate. 

I am sorry for rambling here. I suppose the reason for this post is to reach out to communicate with others who understand how the past has impacted our lives. So often I wonder what I would be like or what I could have accomplished in my life if I were not abused in my childhood. Perhaps that is why my mind racing back so often is to try to answer the questions that have no answers.

I hope this group will become more active with discussions. Feel free to private message me if you'd like to communicate and not comfortable openly posting here.