Hey, I'm new to this group, and I'm trying to find a space with other people who understand what I'm going through.

 To start, I have been unfaithful with every person I ever dated until now. Not just unfaithful, but lying comes easy to me and it was the way I survived at home as a kid because my dad was pretty narcissistic, and lying was how I coped while I was in a string of toxic relationships throughout my life. I've done a lot of therapy, and am currently in EMDR and seeing a psychiatrist.  I was sexually abused as a child and in a highly emotionally (and physically) abusive relationship for six years through college and into my early twenties. I've never been in a healthy relationship until now.

Through all this, I was taught that good things always come with pain or hurt no matter what so I might as well be deceptive and get the rush of whatever I can because  pain will inevitably follow either way. I think this is also an indirect way of self harming myself by using someone else to cause me emotional pain due to my hurtful choices.

So, I am finally with someone who I truly love but it feels so natural to hide things or be deceptive if I make a mistake or do something that I know would be hurtful. While I have been faithful and feel confident that I can continue to be loyal in this way I continue to do smaller deceptive acts, sometimes around drug use, but always around boundaries that my partner sets. I tend to feel like I know better, or that the boundary doesn't really count if I don't think whatever boundary she sets isn't a big deal. I don't condone these beliefs internally but they are still there. It's not an everyday occurrence but it has happened enough that it's a real issue and I'm afraid I'm going to lose her over it.

My first thought after I impulsively do something hurtful or something I promised not to do is "oh its no big deal, I'm the only one who knows what I did I'll just hold the secret and suffer the guilt because I deserve to feel the pain of whatever I did." Then, once I'm in the moment with her I am overwhelmed with guilt and tell her the truth but it's usually at the worst possible moment. Then afterward I feel intense shame and emotional pain due to my actions. Although sometimes I wish I had just been "stronger" and held the lie in so that everything would be ok. I hate that I have these thoughts.

This most recent situation was around cocaine use. I've used occasionally for around 10 years but my use has always been spaced apart by 3-6 months per engagement with the drug and generally in small quantities. I recognize that I do struggle with addiction generally in my life and I see patterns of addiction in my use of drugs and in my behavioral patterns in general, including with lying and being deceptive. I also smoked weed to numb my trauma every day for 10 years but I've managed to stay clean for 8 months now and at least that is going well.

So, my partner has a traumatic history around cocaine use and really wanted to not have me use until we could use it together as a way of repair. We had a long conversation about it after a couple of situations where I hadn't respected her boundary on this. She told me that if I used again in this deceptive way that she would break up with me. Not explicitly because of the drug use but because it would be breaking a boundary and a promise. 

A couple of months later I had forgotten this promise (life has been intense with Corona and I'd been dealing with a serious PTSD flare up and was dealing with all kinds of crazy sleep disorder symptoms like sleep texting and sleep violence). Anyway, I totally forgot I'd made this promise (which is also troubling) and used with some friends. She was incredibly upset and almost ended the relationship there and then but she took a few days space and we kept the relationship alive. During this time I was really down and felt hopeless and ended up using during a zoom party. I didn't even think about the consequences in the moment but then realized afterward that I had done it again.

I was so scared to tell her. I felt like she would immediately dump me. So I kept it a secret. I figured only I had to know and then only I could suffer the guilt etc. which was the same pattern I had been in with my infidelity for years.

So, flash forward to this past weekend. I have kept this lie a secret. We ended up rolling. (which has been generally a healing experience for us) and this was when she wanted to do a little coke. I started feeling really guilty but I couldn't tell her, I didn't want to ruin the night or lose her. So, we did it together and I was immediately overwhelmed with guilt and I broke down and told her after we had used. I think a part of me thought that after she did it she would see it wasn't a big deal and the fallout would be less intense. The rest of the night  the next morning were really nice and connected overall but since last night she's been incredibly hurt and feels like she can't trust me at all, and is on the verge again of breaking up with me.

I'm so upset and ashamed of myself. I love this woman so so much and I don't want to lose her because of this. I've struggled with these kinds of deceptions for years. Therapy helps but I wanted to reach out and see if anyone else has been through anything like this or just understands that feeling of powerless around the perception that deception is the only way to be safe.