Lying Community Group
For those who have very deep problems that associate them to lie to those that they love and know. If this is one of you, please join.
Hi everyone,
This is my first post. I don't even know where to begin.. I am a 42-year-old woman who feels like she is a 7-year-old girl. I have been lying ever since I can remember. I was raised in a family that my father was an alcoholic and my mother was a compulsive liar. Every since I can remember I have been lying about anything and everything. It started with my mom and how I saw her lying to my dad all the time about not having money for beer but then after he would bug her for a half-hour or more she would give in and then he would be happy. Meanwhile, I was sent to my neighbor's house next door with a note to ask for money for school lunches for the week because my dad took the money for beer.
I would lie about Dad not drinking to anyone who asked because I was so embarrassed. I would lie to make myself look good and feel good about anything and everything. It started out small and lead to bigger and bigger things. Now I have ruined my relationship with my husband of 16 years (together for 26 years) High school sweethearts.
We have a 14-year-old son and I am so afraid I am going to lose them both.. I feel like my husband is slippy away from me because of all the years of continuous lying. From things so small like the printing paper not landing on the floor (when it did), but I said it didn't. Don't know why?? To things so big that if It were if it was me who had been lied to I really don't think I would stay around. How sick is that!! I expect him to stay through all my lies, but I really don't think I would have. I have never cheated on him and never will but there are so many that he is second-guessing that part of me now as well.
I have come to grips with how bad the lying has been over all the years and have accepted that I am a lier and I want to do anything and everything to change and make my life for the better for myself and my family.
The problem I am facing is that when I have been lying the past 2 weeks or so, I think I am doing really good with cathing it. But I realized that I am not doing as well as I thought because my husband brings to my attention a number of things that I did lie about but didn't realize I had done it.
Plus the big thing happened today. A lie had been uncovered that I didn't tell my husband about, even tho over the past 2 weeks he has been saying to me "please come clean with everything, I am giving you a clean slate". For the life of me, the lie was not coming into my mind to tell him about it.
But of course, he doesn't believe me because of all the lies I have told over the years. I really don't know why I didn't remember to tell him. That makes him wonder, what else I have not told him over the years.
Can anyone else relate to this happening? If so please advise me on how to prevent this from happening in the future. I really don't want to be living like this. I want to move forward but it seems like my past is there to pull me back.
Thanks for any help that is offered.
Desperate for help!!
I know how gut wrenching it is to have something come out that you'd forgotten lying about or hoped had gone away. I guess the thing I've learnt is to make sure to not get defensive when it happens. Defensiveness for me is a massive trigger for my lying so I have to try and avoid it at all costs. It's really hard but I've come to see that it's not as hard or as damaging to my wife if I can find the courage to be honest and own up to a lie.
From what I've found the road to honesty is opened up by having the courage to be vulnerable. We have to trust those who love us to love us for who we truly are not what we've simply presented to them. It's about authenticity. That's a scary word for a liar!
Growing up with what you had to contend with didn't allow you to feel the security kids need to become happy in their own skin. I totally get that as it's not a million miles away from my own experiences growing up. It's the reason you feel like a 7 year old. We get subconsciously transported back there because we weren't given the care we needed at the time.
If you can open up to your husband about that I think it would really help him to understand where your lying stems from. If he can grasp that then there's more chance of him being able to understand the issue and support you.
I couldn't manage as well as I am without the support of my wife. She still gets frustrated and angry at times but because of our discussions we've learnt to negotiate the rapids better and get to calm water. I'm not fixed. I'm not sure how much I can be but I know I feel better about myself since trying to do something about my lying. It's hard as hell because of the guilt and shame I carry around for all the things I've said and done, but I have to believe my negative behaviours don't define who I am or the man/husband/father I want to be.
I don't believe we are bad people. We've made mistakes but we want to do better. It's why we're on this forum. Everyone deserves that opportunity. I hope this helps a little and that you can find ways to make it work with your husband. There are lots of posts on here that can help guide you. Take care and believe in yourself. You can do this!