To whoever is reading this, I am writing it more for myself than for you, but maybe you can relate and find courage to change through my ongoing story. 

      With a mix of Chinese and Italian ethic and cultural background, I believe that honoring my family legacy and holding high standards of meticulous quality and cleanliness contributed to an environment in which perfection was inculcated as one of many major life objectives. I saw the effort that the rest of my family put into their physical appearance, skills, and reputation, and realized that it was of utmost importance for me to maintain such a high standard as well. The only problem is that holding to such a high standard cannot be maintained unless by strong self-discipline and good moral conviction or by lying and manipulation. Since I lacked both discipline and conviction, I resorted to lying and manipulating because I was too lazy to put in the effort that it took to obtain such a perfect standard. I believed that I deserved to obtain the benefits of being disciplined without putting in any effort. Although I was ultimately responsible, I was often left unattended and allowed the worldly influence to continually mentor me; I was the spoiled child in Pro. 29:15 who brings shame to his family. I cherry picked the little good that was actually in my life, lied to make it seem better, and never cared to mention my weaknesses or personal failures in life, unless, (of course) it benefited me. Not only was I told that I was a special and unique young boy, but I was often spoiled by getting almost whatever I asked to have. In this way, I was given many liberties that I was unable to responsibly deal with at such an age. Nonetheless, I was wrong for how I spent my time and what I spent it on. I became so unaware of my pride that the lies I told everyone else, I, myself, began to fully embrace as who I truly was. I began to believe that I was a talented, extraordinarily handsome, righteous Christian man, and even a good dancer! In all reality, I was only ever a weak, prideful, and atheistic boy who spent time practicing the art of lying to pleasing others. 

I began my life of lying at a very young age. It was mostly to receive attention, manipulate, and avoid consequences. For example, I remember often cheating on school exams so that I would make my parents proud of my accomplishments instead of putting in the effort that it took to become a dedicated and diligent student. Likewise, I would often manipulate others with my emotions (such as overly expressing my sadness) to gain pity from others. In addition, I often left out pertinent information or completely hid my transgressions from others in order to spare myself the rightful consequences of my wrongs. Moving forward in life, I continued the same lying tactics, just in different ways, and invested time into narcissistically getting my way. I became so used to lying, that it became second nature to me. The only problem is that it would catch up with me. Once I met my future wife, I told her that I was a perfect, God-fearing, dedicated, morally strong, man who could take care of her, love her and only her, and provide for her. The one thing that she had asked of me was to not cheat on her because she had been previously hurt by a long-term boyfriend. I did not take her request or heart seriously. The problem is that I never invested in those promises, nor did I ever have practice or experience in being a person of integrity. How could I fulfill all of those promises without ever being that person to begin with? I simply wanted my cake to eat without putting in the work to buy the ingredients or even bake it. That is, I wanted the benefits of marriage without putting in the effort in becoming the leader, husband, and man that she needed. 

Moving forward, I continued to lie to her about who I was and what I struggled with because I wanted to maintain my persona of a perfect man. The problem with that was that, as they say, actions speak louder than words. I continued to reassure my wife that all was good and that there was nothing to worry about, however, although she was extremely loving and gracious, she most definitely was not stupid. I began neglecting our relationship and prioritizing entertainment, games, and lustful desires that took root in looking at other women, pornography, and masturbation. I stopped investing in our relationship and became ungrateful for the gorgeous and loving wife that had dedicated her life to me. She began to catch on that something was wrong, all the while, I was sneaking around her during my work shifts and participating in immorality. Moving forward a few years, I finally came clean to her one day while we were out. Of course, she was outright devastated to scratch the surface, but she was resilient. On the other hand, I wasn’t personally ready to express how evil and completely disgusting I was to her; how deeply and intentionally secretive I was, how immorally perverted I was, and how messed up I was as a human being. I would even say that I gave up a large part of my humanity. I was trying to maintain the little amount of pride that I had left, even though I had none left. 

I continued to hide the entire truth of who I was from her because I, again, wanted to avoid the discomfort and consequences that rightly came from being the utter infidel to her that I was. She continued to try to work with me, but I continued for so long, time after time, lying to her about not meeting the standards that we both agreed upon if we wanted our marriage to recover. I took her grace, mercy, and attempts at forgiveness for granted and continued to lie about my shortcomings. I realized through much of this, that I struggle with intimacy aversion, that is, fearing vulnerability and allowing others to truly know you. I often shoved away my own feelings, let alone, understood or empathized with the pain I was putting her through. Still, I feared failing, because failing meant rejection, disappointment, and pain. I continued still to lie to her, because my heart was still bent toward self-protection, control, and rebellion against God. I failed to diligently work towards becoming a man of integrity and I continued to be lazy and sleep however long I wanted. All the while, I was rebelliously rejecting God’s call on my life to submit to Him and turn from my lying ways. I knew in my conscience that God was calling me to change, but I was always afraid to give up my illusion of control to Him so that He could discipline me into the man I was always hoping, but never working, to become. Today, I have given full disclosure (to the best of my knowledge) to my wife and to God, but the damage I alone have created is far beyond devastating. I have cried wolf far too many times and have taken for granted the grace given to me. I am afraid of the future because I know who I have been and how easily I have lied, but I am choosing to submit to Jesus so that He can do a work in me. I just need to continue to give up my control to Him and acknowledge my weakness. The reality is that the more I try in my own strength, instead of submitting myself to following God's character and commands, the more I find myself backsliding and lying again. It's only when I obey Christ's words, and in His strength, that I ever make change.

"For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believe in him should not perish, but have everlasting life. For God sent not his Son into the world to condemn the world; but that the world through him might be saved." (John 3:16).

 "And Jesus said, 'For judgment I came into this world, so that those who do not see may see, and that those who see may become blind.'" John 9:39 (Jesus was referring to those who pridefully thought that, through their works, they could be saved. That is, they believed that they could see and that they didn't need a savior because they thought that were following the law enough to be "clean")

....But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.  That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. (2 Corinthians 12:9-10).