Hello everybody.  

This is my first time doing this so I apologize if I'm doing this wrong or if I'm long winded.  I am married to a wonderful woman who has dealt with my bullshit for 7 years now (Married 6 of them).  She has given me the 3 most beautiful girls a father could ever ask for.  With that being said, I have comprimised my wife's trust for a while now and we're at a breaking point.  Since the beginnning of our relationship, I was not completely honest with her.  We met on a dating website and she cancelled her subscription and asked that I do the same.  I said I would but I actually just deactivated mine (not fully deleted it).   I was not looking for other women, I just was not sure if it would work out either.  When asked if I had removed it, I lied.  Shortly thereafter, the truth came to light during a discussion we were having and it hurt her.  At that point I did delete it but that kind of is what our relationship has been like since.  

We'll talk about things and she'll ask me about something, to do something or not do it.  And I end up lying...  I think about my childhood when I pull stunts like this because I grew up on 'white lies' are not a big deal.  I did it to be liked...to not be judged negatively...to not get in trouble.  As a child, I'm guessing that is ok but as an adult it has had a great impact on my marriage.  There are a variety of lies that have hurt our marriage and these are some to name a few:  finances, texting and phone calls with a company colleague that I kept from her, and parenting responsibility.  Aside from lying, I just can't seem to keep my word.  I'll tell my wife that I'm going to do something (and I have full intention of doing it) but then life gets crazy and I don't do it.  Then when I'm asked about it, I tend to lie to get out of trouble.  It's a terrible cycle and it's damaged my relationship with my wife greatly.  If that in itself is not bad enough, we experienced a NIGHTMARE in December that truly brought my honesty into light.  I was accused of something horrific and I did not do this!  To the point that I went to a number of agencies to prove my innonce; I even went as far as to agree to take a polygraph by a top FBI profiler.  According to the FBI profiler, I scored above the ranges that he deems as somebody who is telling the truth (truths are from +2 to +5, I scored a +6).  Even with all the actions I took to prove that I did not do what I was accused of, my wife is having a difficult time believing me.  It's like the Boy Who Cried Wolf...and I'm that boy.  I'm not lying here but the truth is that I can't expect people to believe me if I lie sometimes and I tell the truth other times.  So why can't I just tell the truth all the time?  I don't think I'm a pathological liar but I've lied way too much up to this point. 

So that's why I'm here.  My wife is pretty much done with me.  She has become distant and anytime she starts to open up to me, I go and lie about something stupid and it hurts her more.  Why don't I just tell the truth?  Today, we were talking about finances.  We just bought a house together and we had discussed being on point with our budgets and I had told her last week that I would be paying some money back into the account to replace some expenditure.  I did not.  When asked about it today, I told her that the transfer was processed and would be in on Monday.  She said she didn't believe me and when she asked to see my account, I fessed up.  She was furious...as she should be.  Why could I just not say, "I haven't moved it in" or "I'm low on money and I can't replace it".  When I do things like that, it makes her question not just basic honest, our relationship but then gives credence to the accusation from December.

We're in couples counseling trying to figure things out.  The therapist gives good advice as to how I can strengthen the marriage and how to develop trust for my wife.  I understand what he's saying (I think I'm a smart guy) but I leave the office and don't apply it.  It's not that I don't want to.  I feel like I'm super overwhelmed with many things right now.  Then again, I'm really bad at making excuses about everything: my job is CRAZY, I have a million kids, I have no money, etc.  But the reality is, I'm blessed and my family is too!  Aside from the honesty issue, my health is poor right now.  I repress my feelings and I eat, eat, and eat.  This has caused me to gain weight, be lethargic, and nowhere near as sharp as I've been when healthy.  I'm also sure that my wife is not as attracted to this version of me as the one that was around a number of years back.   

It just seems like a can't get out of my own way and I'm going to lose my wife and kids soon if I don't make a change NOW.

PLEASE HELP!