I am a 43 years old male. Have been married (or was) for 13 years. I lied to my wife since before we started dating. I cheated on her, lied about it, and about a million other insignificant things. It was pathetic. I could not be confronted about me lying. I felt threatened and my mind would go into Fight, flight or f*ck mode as a knee jerk reaction. I just wanted to protect myself from inconvenience, feeling numb about everything else that really mattered. 

As a way of washing away the feeling of disappointing others with my problem, I would either get defensive, get inside my shell, or think about sex with other people. It was like my mind and body could just ignore everyone else and only think about moving on from the uncomfortable situation I got myself into.

My wife put up with hundreds of things like this. 15 years of relationship, and not once was I completely honest with her. I should have warned her from the beginning from my issue. I didn't, because I was afraid of having my "reputation" stained with this problem. In addition, im also addicted to forbiden and risky situations involving affairs and casual encounters. 

Lying put my reality into a maelstrom of anxiety, guilt and unhappiness, so I relied on my addictions to wash away those feelings, thus making me go back to the edges of the maelstrom ,and starting the whole process again. 

So exhausting... such a feeling of emptiness... Made me go into a state of perpetual depression, which I buried deep inside by (guess what) more lying. 

I ruined my wife. I broke her. I hurt her so bad, she finally had enough, even though she loved me so much. I wish I could go back and prevent her from getting involved with me to spare her of this hell... But that would mean that our daughter would have never been born.

I ruined her life. Now she will be a 40 year old single mother whose chances of finding someone else deserving of her are now ski , since she will have such a hard time trusting someone else.

I don't intend this group to cure me from my sickness. But maybe putting it into words would shed some light into this dead end I find myself into, so I can find a way out of this maze I constructed myself. 

My name is José and I ruined my life and the one of others by my lying...