Hi I am new to this group too. I hope you are doing ok. I am sorry that your husband is treating you that way. Sometimes the ones closest to us can be the most cruel, whether they mean to or not. I am not sure if I have ever really liked myself. I think I have at times, but then I realize my self esteem has been low for a long time. Did something happen that changed you level of self esteem? I am going through a divorce and that has really effected mine. I have had low self imagine throughout my marriage though, as my wife could be very cruel at times. She could also say sweet things which would cause me to yoyo over how I viewed myself. Sounds pathetic and I think I am or was. Anyways, now I want to feel good about myself, but am not sure how. I volunteer at my daughter's school and I have a job where I help people enjoy life each day working with veterans suffering with dementia and Alzheimers. None of that seems to get to the core. I feel ugly, depressed. I have a strange body and face, I have thin wrists and a shallow chest. I also have acted out towards my wife. by that I mean I cheated on her and that is ultimately why my marriage ended. In some ways it is a relief. She is an alcoholic and every so often she would get so drunk she would black out. During these black outs she would say how much she hated me and what a piece of shit I was. That she hated having sex with me that she hated my tattoos and piercings, that I tricked her into having a child and that I was worthless. These happened several times and while it is no exec use for my actions, it was very difficult to deal with and I really didn't for 9years. instead I drank beer and smoked pot. I exercised, rode my mountain bike, did trail running and played basketball. I tried to be the best father I could be and tried to be the husband I thought she wanted. In the end I failed everyone. Her, my daughter and myself. I became the piece of shit she always said I was.
I want to change but now I am so sad and lonely. The only thing is I was sad and lonely with her and living that life. I am fighting with her right now to have joint custody and will be seeing a lawyer the beginning of November. She has designed a schedule that isn't fair. She has always controlled a lot in our relationship and now I have to stand up to her and get equal time with our daughter. I am scared but determined. I probably sound like the weakest male you know but I am trying to be strong. Anyways, if you want to talk ever I am here.