That is hard I have been there too. It hurts and trying to get over someone sucks. I have my share of problems in my current relationship but at least I know we are in this together and he cares about me. You deserve so much better than that. Dont let someone treat you like that. Confront him. Tell him how you feel. Honesty is always good. If you dont want him to know how much you care about him do what ever you can to cut communication. Change your number if you have to. That sends a c;ear message. You have done nothing wrong. No one deserves to be strung along when the other person doesnt want the same thing. That hurts. I know it is hard but looking back on my life I wish i had walked away from more people so I had more strength now. Best of luck. If you need someone to talk to feel free to message me :)

Thanks! Yeah, it's so hard, and honestly, sometimes I feel really stupid for putting up with this kind of behavior. I don't think I've had a guy treat me like this before, as far as a guy that I'm just "dating with no strings attached". I had a boyfriend that was worse. This ex would be very violent towards me, but luckily I was able to get out of it. That was 5 years ago. And eversince then, I've been nothing but "fwb" with guys or they would lose interest quickly when we dated and had sex. It's that whole cliche of not having sex until a few months have passed when your dating with that person. The thing is, I've never actually followed through with that advice, and when I tried, I ended up sleeping with the guy after a few weeks. This fwb that I'm trying to detach myself from has been the longest. I waited 2 months before we slept together and afterwards, I couldn't help myself. I thought things would develop into something more since I waited those 2 months, but instead, he calls me here and there instead of everyday like how he use to in the beginning. Love can be so agonizing, I swear.

Wow. Wow.
I COMPLETELY know what you are talking about. Read my post on quiting the pothead guy.

I don't have any answers other than to say, when I realized that my relationships were like this, I realized something was not going right in my thinking, and esteem and that I was addicted to the guy who avoids.

I read Facing Love Addiction by Pia Mellody and my mind was blown. She was describing my exact behavior there on the page!!!!!

The good news is, we can get over this kind of destructive psuedo-relationships. The bad news - it takes time, meetings and lots of detachment.

You are doing awesome though if you are standing your ground and not answering him. HE WILL NOT STOP CALLING YOU until he gets his way/power because it sounds like he is not in recovery. ALso, good for you understanding that he is not going to change. He just wants you there to support him. To be there for him...and to take care of his needs. Like a mom almost. You are not allowed to have needs of your own. He hates that. Am I describing him? Because that is the description of addicted love avoidants from the book.

The best thing anyone can do is take care of yourself, put yourself #1 and continue your recovery in Love Addiction and codependency. Block his number or get a new number. I had to.

You are awesome!!

- Red.

Thank you Red. Yeah, this totally describes him! He's acts very selfish and has never once taken me out to eat on his own will! A week ago, I completely had it. I don't know what it was, but I had to see him to break it off. I didn't want to do it over the phone because I knew that he would try to avoid the "talk" if I did it that way and I know if he tried to avoid me, I'd be more anxious and do something destructive. So I called him and pretended that I wanted to see him for the "usual". When I saw him, we hung out for awhile and then I told him I couldn't do this anymore. That was after we did it one last time. UGH. Afterwards, we talked and I actually cuddled him. It was weird, but I could feel that it was making him uncomfortable, as if he was scared to just sit there and hold me for more than a few seconds. We've cuddled before in the first few months before sex, but this felt different. Before the conversation of me not wanting to have sex anymore, he told me that if I ever met someone that I felt I could love, to tell him so that he could back away. He even jokingly said he would mind if he met him. That broke my heart. That even compelled me to tell him that I didn't want to do this fwb thing anymore. He said he was fine with that, but that he wanted to still talk/text each other. I asked him if he could handle just having a platonic relationship with not sex and he said he COULD handle that. I don't know. Afterwards, I drove him home and we spoke normally like we usually do. Then when I dropped him off, he told me that he was gonna miss me and to still call/text like we normally do. I lied and told him yes. A few days after he texts me "good morning". I texted him back the same thing and he asked if I slept well. I replied back, but didn't get an answer. That made me furious!!!! I then though WTF am I dealing with this?!!! He texts me back 2 HOURS LATER and tells me that he slept very well and that he was on his way home....at 9 in the morning!! Where would he be coming back from? Another girl's house?!! I didn't text him back. I hated him. At least at that moment.

It's been 3 days now and I haven't contacted him. Neither has he. The longest we've gone without contacting each other was 3 days (since we've slept together and for the last 2 1/2 months). I keep thinking maybe he'll realize that I'm a good girl and miss me enough to want to be with me. But I DON'T want to torture myself with those thoughts. So far since I last saw him and told him I didn't want to sleep with him anymore, I cried heavily the first few days, but after that text conversation we had, I've been crying less and less. Some moments throughout the day, I feel sad, and other times I feel relieved. I went on a coffee date with a guy I met online and we seemed to hit it off well. He was cute and seemed stable all around. That was refreshing. It reminded me that there still is a chance for me out there.

I also just bought the book Facing Love Addiction. I'm about to read it. I hope it somehow helps me too.

Hi
Wow. First of all you are awesome, amazing and doing great. You are absolutely on the right track. When you read the book you will have to decide, how much are you ready to be done with the cycling, how much do you really want to move on, and how is the person benefiting your life in a positive way?

In my relationship, I realized (after 6 MONTHS OF TRYING TO GET OUT), that he would NOT STOP. He wouldn't stop texting, he wouldn't stop calling even if I told him that was it. I sent him 'THIS IS IT!' texts 5 separate occasions in the past month and only now, when I blocked his number, do I feel peace.

And this is with absolutely no judgement against your guy. Simple fact of the matter is that you are willing to look at yourself in the mirror and love and accept yourself and get into recovery. He, at this stage in his life, cannot.

Truth be told it really isn't even about him. It is about you and what you want. If you feel that sick yuck feeling when you talk to him now, ugh. I was there. I know that. The only thing you can ask yourself is when are you really ready to be done, because we know that he isn't changing.

Hugs and high five.
Also - the teary feelings and sadness? you are probably going through withdrawal. It's tough, but it passes relatively quickly the more you go to CODA meetings and the more you work on yourself and see the patterns in your behavior...and in the behavior of the mates you have chosen.

I was blown away continuously as I was reading the book and going to CODA, how much of my behavior was my addiction to the feeling of being high on "love". I can tell you honestly now I don't know if I've ever even been in love. Just mostly really addicted.

I'm proud of you just for getting the book!

Thanks! I just read up to chapter 5 and so far it's phenomenal! It describes exactly how I am along with what I went through in childhood. I'm in the process of really realizing that I'm an addict. I wasn't sure at first, but I think I am now. I read Women Who Love Too Much, but it's not as insightful as this one.
I couldn't help it. But he called me the other day, and I vowed not to answer the phone. The following day, I kept thinking about his call and broke down and called him. And during the last several days, of trying to avoid him and cut contact, I was having mild panic attacks during the night. Also, I would have a hard time getting enough sleep. I don't know if these are considered withdrawal symptoms, but I hated them, esp. since I've had a history of them already.

I wanted to see him so bad so I ended up driving to his place and we ended up sleeping together. The whole time I was with him, I kept on wondering if he is truely a love avoidant. One thing I noticed tho is that it is hard for him to have a serious conversation. He always has to joke around about EVERYTHING! I'm wondering if that is considered a love avoidant trait.

I asked him once again if he really can't have a relationship and he said yes. That he's in no position to have one right now. Part of me believes him because he doesn't have a stable job, can't really drive because his license is suspended and dropped out of college the last two semesters. But then I'm wondering if he's just saying that because he really doesn't want one with me. He even told me that he doesn't want me to get too attached.

It really broke my heart. Just last week I told him I didn't want to have sex unless I'm in a relationship and he said that he doesn't mind and wanted to keep in touch anyway because he really felt like we had a friendship. But I tried that route. And I only lasted a few days because I've realized that when I'm around him, I can't help but want to get close to him physically.

I told him I didn't want to get attached either and he said we'll just keep in contact here and there. I really don't want to. I went home crying last night. It's so hard to be away from him. I've decided to just turn off my phone and leave it at my mom's house for a week. He doesn't really leave me messages. Only texts and calls me once in awhile. He's a habit. I hate being without him. But I think maybe a week is good enough to give me time to clear my head and I won't be tempted to call him. At least as much. I don't know. I'm soooo scared of what's to come! I cry all the time now.

Hey there.
Cool - I'm enthused that you are reading the book - isn't it awesome?

Hey - recycling is part of the game. It's why we are addicts. If it was a cinch to stop toxic behavior in relationships we wouldn't be on this site! Panic attacks are NO FUN. I have them and am seeing a therapist for them and they have decreased as has my general level of anxiety since I stopped seeing the ex.

This is a very critical time for you and I know you are going to do the absolute best thing - for you.
This is when you call in all your friends, and any relatives that are SAFE and tell them you need some help and support. Anyone. We call the big guns in for times like these.

For me - I went to go stay with my mom for a week. I blocked his number. I am going to get a new number so he and all the rest of my exes can never get a hold of me again. (just like a recovering drug addict gets rid of the numbers of his dealer or doesn't go around trigger situations).

I am doing prayer, acupuncture, Traditional chinese medicine, yoga, meditation, and have gotten a therapist to combat my anxiety. It has helped TREMENDOUSLY.


Number one, you are safe, you are whole and guess what - you have ALL THE TOOLS YOU NEED WITHIN YOU ALREADY. You are loved and sacred.

Number two, this is a time to be around safe people only and to literally smother yourself with love and forgiveness. Only you will decide when you are really done. When you do, it will be a time to use your safety net and your higher power.


You can do this.

Thanks so much!! It feels so good to know there's someone out there that understands what you're going trough. I'm so glad you're able to get these treatments. As far as acupuncture, does that hurt? lol I heard from a friend of mine that that type of remedy helps alot. Yes, anxiety sucks BIG TIME! I was getting them everyday for 4 months (and this was at a time when I was involved with another love avoidant two years ago that I was trying to detach myself from)!! Many times I thought I was gonna die, and other times they were mild and went away within a minute or two. I've heard that anxiety disorders are also hereditary. I'm not sure about that tho. How long have you been doing these type of treatments?
I definitely have to gather support from friends. I just fear that I might burden them with this problem. One friend said she doesn't mind. I just don't want to risk losing any of them, esp. during this time.

I understand. I think true blue friends don't go away during times of crisis - especially when you are honest with them.

I think it's great that you are focusing on yourself and becoming healthy. The best thing I have found with therapy, is that if you look directly into the eye of the panic - and ask why it is there...you usually get an answer.

I also kind of worry that I will drive my friends away - but they are so good. I tell them upfront sometimes - today is a hard day and I don't feel like talking but I am thinking of you and thank you for thinking of me. Or when I do feel like talking - I might give them a call to tell them I was thinking of them. When we hang out, I just am honest and tell them - dude, I don't have much to give today - but thank you for being here.

A good thing I have learned is that my friends are NOT my therapists and I don't have to share with them everything I am going through if I don't feel like it. Even if they keep pressing for details - I just say - I really don't feel like discussing it right now - no offense. I just want some time to NOT think about this stuff, but to focus on peace and serenity and films or gardening or something. These are some of the awesome tools I have learned in codependency recovery; stating my boundaries upfront and not feel dragged all over the place.
I hope you feel better soon.

Blessings and peace to you!