I was a member of this group for years and now I am back.

Over 6 years ago, while dating an extreme avoidant, I started doing research and recognized that I was a love addict. I had already known that I was codependent but knew nothing of love addiction until that "relationship." He sucked me in quickly by pretending to be the super hero (he was a federal cop working on my case of being stalked by a registered sex offender - it was actually an ethics violation for him to get involved with me). I wanted nothing to do with men at this point, having been stalked for close to a year by a sociopath. But this guy relentlessly pursued. He was twice my age and I fell prey to the rescuer syndrome, especially at that time, with my life being in jeopardy.

He quickly talked about marriage (2nd "date") and said he didn't want to have sex until then yet quickly had sex with me. I think he knew what would happen as soon as things became intimate and wanted to rush into marriage, hoping he wouldn't ruin another relationship by running away. Literally, the day after sex, everything stopped. No more communication from him. He ignored my texts, wouldn't answer my calls. The only way I could talk to him is if I physically confronted him. Extreme avoidant. This is of course when my abandonment issues came into play and when I suddenly became interested in him.

When I would force confrontation on him by showing up at his house, tired of his games, he'd fly into a rage. I'm a very calm, passive person. I don't yell or call anyone names. I would very calmly ask him why he treated me like this and BAM, sudden rage. He was actually a dangerous person but at that point I didn't care. I had had enough of being treated like shit from men and I wanted answers on how he could do this to me, knowing what I had just been through (with the stalker). He would of course pretend like nothing was happening, he was just "busy" with work and everything would return to normal in a couple weeks and he'd call me tomorrow, etc. Of course none of that was true. He was a definite sex addict and was trying to lure in any woman he could find. He had actually written erotic novels and published them. He avoided me completely and I never heard anything from him (despite working in the same building) for about a year before he nonchalantly walked up to me one day in the cafeteria and acted like everything was cool between us. I ignored him and kept walking like he was invisible. By then I had been a year into recovery after reading Facing Love Addiction.

I stayed far away from men for the next 5 yrs. I worked so hard on my recovery. I read tons of books, went to lots of therapy, support groups, been on DS the entire time, watched documentaries, everything I could to be a healthier person.

I had developed massive fear of intimacy issues from the stalker and the cop. I knew how to spot red flags and eliminated a lot of toxic people from my life during these 5 yrs. I finally decided I had done enough work on my own and was ready to enter a relationship to work on that aspect.

The next guy I met turned out to be another extreme sociopath, much like the stalker. I told him about my intimacy fears and that we'd have to take things slowly and that I wasn't sure if I'd be able to have sex again, etc. He pretended to be so caring and understanding. But occassionally, the mask would slip and he'd get angry that I wouldn't have sex with him. He'd be very forceful about it and then would get pissed and run out the door when I wouldn't comply. Then he'd apologize and say I had misinterpreted the whole thing and we could take things slowly and there was no rush, etc.

I have PTSD from what happened 5 yrs earlier. One day, after a horrible nightmare about him that left me very anxious, I took xanax. He came over that day and took advantage of the fact that I was barely conscious and raped me. It was extremely traumatic mentally, and physically painful. I had a terrible anxiety attack and he took off. I then found out that he was a 6x felon on probation, had used an alias, everything about his career, education, etc was all pathological lies. He had used fraudulent documentation to support his fake identity, war medals (purple heart, etc) which were all fake, hanging on his walls. Stuff like that. He was a "professional con artist" as my therapist put it. I had spent much of the previous 5 yrs studying psychopathy (since the stalker) to prevent this from ever happening again but it did.

The past year since the rape has been brutal. The worst time of my entire life. I didn't think I'd ever date again. I recently met someone, on a friendship site, and we started spending time together, working on my house. He was much like me, very passive, quiet, timid. No violent tendencies that I could see. This guy actually had a good career which was much different than what I was used to. I normally attract men who are basically "losers" and needy of someone to take care of them. Even though I would classify myself as the Love Addict, I was never the needy type. I have a great career with the federal govt and have always been very independent and super responsible. So to find a man who seemed to have his crap together was a godsend. I thought finally I met a good one.

I found that he had a history of codependency like myself. He had been with multiple addicts, including a long term marriage to a crack head who ultimately went to prison. He spoke of how people could change, if they really wanted to, but that it was a lot of work. I thought he was into emotional growth and was really putting effort into himself.

A month into our friendship, we took things to a relationship level. I told him about my past and my fears and such. He said we could take things slow and he NEVER pressured me into anything. He would stop when things got scary for me and was very gentle and would ask if I was ok. Very sincerely. I was so happy to finally find a sympathetic man. We talked about our pasts, I told him how important self help and emotional growth is to me and how hard I've worked on it.

I had noticed the moment I met him that he was very distant. Never really engaged me in conversation, didn't ask questions to get to know me, didn't provide info about himself unless I asked. It was very obvious that he was very closed off and distant. I gave him time, thinking he would feel more comfortable with that as time went on.

Another thing I noticed was that he never took responsibility for anything in his past. His previous relationships were all his exes fault. His parents raised his kids (after the ex wife went to prison). He had financial debts that he had been sued for and had wages garnished. Everything was someone else's fault. The stories about his previous relationships had huge gaping holes in them that made no sense. He wouldn't outright lie to me, but lie by omission, leaving out or twisting around anything that was his fault, because he absolutely CAN NOT take responsibility for anything. And I think he genuinely convinces himself of these things to play the victim and feel sorry for himself and avoid responsibility.

I would say things like, "how long until you change" (referring to how the last 3 men had drastically changed demeanors 2-3 weeks into the "relationship" and stopped being so sweet and caring. He said this is the way he always is.

About two weeks into the relationship, we had plans to do something together. He did not leave early enough to be at my house in time for us to do it together and I had to go alone. I was very upset that he had acted so irresponsibly (as I've said, I'm an ultra responsible person and I always show up on time and always do what I commit to). I went silent until the next day when he came around wanting to talk about it, seeing how angry I was. I confronted him about his behavior and he admitted to screwing up and that he'd try to do better next time.

Another few days or so and he again stood me up. This time, no communication. He shuts down entirely. He won't tell me he's not coming. In fact, he'll lead me to believe he IS coming but be very vague about answering anything directly. I will literally spend an entire day waiting for him because he'll lead me to believe that he's about to come over soon. And this will go on and on and on for an entire day. He won't show, he won't apologize, he won't cancel, he won't notify me. He just won't show. I get pissed, confront him, he won't take responsibility (until maybe DAYS later) and he'll go into super withdrawal mode. He won't show any remorse or guilt about his behavior during this time, even if I'm sobbing on the phone. He'll remain totally silent and won't come over to comfort me or apologize or anything. He'll act EXTREMELY cold. He's admitted to this after the fact, days later.

I sent a long email describing his behavior pattern and how toxic it was and that I don't allow this kind of behavior in my life anymore and that I'm not interested in anymore toxic relationships and did not believe he was capable of a healthy relationship. He responded with a long email with a bunch of excuses and more or less telling me his work was more important than me (he's a definite workaholic) and not taking responsibility for his behavior but saying he understood and wished we could still be friends. His email pissed me off so much (lack of responsibility is a huge issue for me) that I said no, we can't be friends, and to come get his stuff.

That finally snapped him out of it and he decided that he did want to be a healthier person and that he'd read some of this stuff and work on his issues and we'd communicate about it, etc. He ordered a bunch of books, including Facing Love Addiction, and we set some ground rules. But he's been very distant since. I've tried to reconnect with him, which might work for a night, but then he's back to distancing and excuses.

One of my rules was that we would see each other on weekends and at least one day per week, after work. He said he would come over last weekend but worked morning till night, both days. Sunday, he told me in the morning that he'd be over as soon as he took care of something at work (sounded like a real quick deal). So I sat around waiting. I'd check in with him frequently, via texts, and he'd continue to make me believe that he'd be leaving soon. So I'd continue sitting, waiting, not wanting to do anything else because I figured he'd arrive soon. I ended up wasting my entire Sunday. He again never showed, and never told me that he wasn't coming.

Monday I confronted him again on his behavior, through texts (as at this point it's the only way). I reiterated how disrespectful and inconsiderate it is to stand me up without any notification and that if he is too busy with work (which I doubt is legitimately the case, I know it's addiction) that it's not hard to send a text saying, "sorry this is taking longer than I thought, I can't make it today." Instead of leading me on all day and lying to me again.

He did not respond to any of my texts. That was Monday night. He is in super withdrawal mode now. It is now Thursday.

I am re-reading Facing Love Addiction now and am amazed at how different I am now than I was 6 yrs ago when I first read it. I will not engage in his toxic behavior. I call him out on his BS every time (even though confrontation is very difficult for me). I don't let him walk all over the healthy boundaries I've set. I don't give him a free pass. I handle conflict and confrontation well. I don't yell, name call, belittle, or anything like that. I'm not abusive at all about it (not that that was ever an issue for me, I was more of the passive silent type, like he is now). Now, when someone mistreats me, I don't try to win them over and make them care about me anymore like I used to. Now, if I recognize someone is unhealthy and toxic, I lose interest in them. It's no longer something I have to force myself to do, it's just natural. I don't want toxic in my life anymore. I don't want someone who will mistreat me and disrespect me. I have enough self respect now to know that I deserve better.

Although he did trigger my abandonment issues big time, the first time he acted so coldly, I have reeled myself back in and now feel much more grounded and stable. I am on day 3 of no contact with him and after reading the first part of Facing Love Addiction last night, I feel very confident and am not experiencing any withdrawal symptoms.

My guess is that sometime soon, his abandonment issues will start to surface and he will text me. And I can handle it. At this point I don't want to revisit the idea of a relationship with him again. I don't want to try to fix him. I hope that he does learn to deal with his issues, and I'm willing to help him if he does. If not, I will probably have to eliminate him from my life, as I have with the other toxic people I've met through the years. I'm willing to attempt a friendship with him and MAYBE, if he genuinely puts noticeable effort into dealing with his issues, MAYBE give it another shot down the road. But not anytime soon. I never had this kind of strength before. I have focused so much on how this pattern keeps repeating in my life that i never noticed how much I'd changed and how far I'd come. Now that I'm re-reading the book and re-living the trauma of the cop and remembering that situation and how similar it was to this one, I see how completely differently I've reacted to each and how far I've come in my healing.

I hope that one day I find a healthy man (or at least one who's honestly willing to work on his issues) who will respect me and treat me well. But if not, I'm fine with being alone again, as I have for the past 7 yrs.