know i rambled. i know i can only change myself. im away from him now back on meds and finding solutions to problems. and alot of the confusion and anger is gone. cant put into words what am feeling but everything is getting better because im taking care of me.

you are strong! you can do whatever you need to do for yourself!!

so true. I was in this relationship with my mother. when i wanted to be close to her she withdraw, ignored and neglected even abusing me. When I'm hurt she comes and express her 'love' and concern. The cycle keeps repeating and drove me nuts. My self-worth drop all time low and I met this guy in my class who's an avoidant. I did all the stuff you said you do, trying to fix him, trying to fix us and we're doing this dance all the time. When I ignore him he'd come around to arouse me, when I wanted to be close to him he'd abuse and ignore me. It kept repeating until I broke down. Eventually met another cheater who's a codependent. It only lasted briefly because he had a gf who could provide what he needed materially. Hurt from the abandonment I started serial dating, which led to my attending therapy after a serious incident happened. Yet I wasn't aware of what happened. I was young then, 19 years old. In between I met a man online. He knows I'm going for therapy and he discouraged me and I stopped attending and started this unhealthy relationship with him. The illusion lasted for 4 years, I convincing myself he's the one and he avoiding all commitments until I lost everything, my friends, career, money and family. Everyone around me keeps telling me I deserve better because he's a loser but I idealised him. I tried several times to leave him during that 4 years but he had a way of making me stay. Now that I read these he's a narcissist SW and I was a love addict at that time. I fed him the admiration he needed and he in turn gave me the illusion of love. I became more and more needy and he from the beginning as a codependent who gave me all the protection I needed, turned into an avoidant. Luckily, he broke it up with me after finding a new victim. I am still hurt and confused as he took advantage on me while I'm unwell but am on my way to recovery. I have only recently read and know that I am a love addict. I am afraid of relapse but I know I am strong enough to face it, because I am starting to love myself, and I deserve better than being fooled by losers who don't even stand a chance if I was sober. People around me kept saying I am kind, intelligent and fun to be with, that I deserve a real man who really loves me but I see myself attracted and attached to unavailable man, because I am afraid of intimacy. I would like to be with someone, yet afraid of really being with that someone.

I relate a lot jez. Like you said learning to love yourself, and there is even a great book by that title. Also trying to develop friendships with same gender people helps me get some of those loneliness needs met, as well as developing a spiritual relationship with a higher power helps me feel loved.

Yes for me it was a very sobering moment when i walked into the room and started to learn about this cycle of abuse that i have now traced all the way back to my very young years as a child!!

My whole world reolved around the dance for so long...Today it still feels uncomfortable at times not to be in the mode of addiction...Thats why they say just one day at a time...Sometimes one moment and one minute at a time....

The spiritual side(solution) is the only rock solid thing i can say i have seen work for people like me...

Otherwise my whole life i will walk around with a profound feeling of longing for someone or something....

Getting spiritually centered makes that longing go away and allows me to be in the moment!!

Good luck

j