Living with someone with severe OCD Community Group

Support group for family living or dealing with a family member with OCD. All is welcome into this community people with or without OCD. I dont understand everything My wife is going through and I need to know how to help her. PLEASE HELP ME.

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Connection b/w verbal abuse and OCD?

My hubby just told me that he thinks he has OCD. He went to a doc about 5 years ago, at the end of his previous marriage, and she confirmed. He never got any treatment. He just told me and we've been married a year. I always just thouht they were cute idiosyncracies (and I was his comfort). There has also been, what I think, might be verbal abuse. Do you guys know if these are correlated? He's very controlling and demanding. He admits to the repititions and rituals, but not to the maltreatment.

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

I do believe there is a correlation between ocd and verbal abuse. many times I can not believe the words coming out of my wife's month. have you ever seen
''me, mysel and irene''? I tell myself I hate my wife's ocd and not my wife. my wife loves me but her ocd and me do not get alone. hang in there....if you need anything let me know.
deleted_user
deleted_user

my boyfriend doesn't say anything but if i move to many things without puting them back he get's upset and quickly replaces things...i know it makes him anxious...

maybe the axiety from the OCD triggers some people to become verbally abusive?
deleted_user
deleted_user

Things were better this last weekend - at least they were less volatile. Thanks for the support, I appreciate the replies. I think one thing I learned is that, I have my stuff too. And sometimes I feel, that my own insecurities and neediness don't "fit" into his organized, perfectionist world. Ironically enough, I feel like his standards are too high for me. I wonder if he's able to find happiness - true happiness - anywhere.
deleted_user
deleted_user

my nephew has severe ocd and every little thing is an issue. he gets better and then seemingly out of nowhere, he is worse. he is def verbally abusive. we are having a real problem with this. i recognize it is ocd and not luie talking, but it wears on me and my husband considerably. i never know what to do to "handle" him. hopefully he'll be able to start therapy soon. this depends on his mom who says she does not have money for therapy but managed to send sixty dollars to him for his new puppy. honestly, i think therapy may come first.
deleted_user
deleted_user

I also believe there is a correlation. From what therapists have told us (my husband has OCD) is it a 'doubting disease'. I have had difficulty with both the control, the doubt (for example he will ask us what we touched, if we touched something, or insist we touched a contaminated area when we did not), and the verbal abuse. I too can't believe the person he becomes when we argue sometimes. And yes, he too has a huge problem accepting responsibility for his behavior. I have been able to step back though, after the argument, and realize that the OCD has made my husband very isolated and very much aware that he is different and everything I may discuss is just another attack or insult. I recently got him to agree to at least try medication short term to alleviate some of his anxiety (my husband rarely leaves the house at this point) so the therapy can be more effective (he was resistant to just therapy). Our marriage counselor suggested that a lot of the marital issues are OCD related and once my husband finds a way to control some of the anxiety issues in the marriage can be addressed. I will keep you posted (we haven't gotten to the medication part yet only the initial evaluation) and let you know what more we learn that may help. It does help though to know that it just may be the OCD and not the person you married.
deleted_user
deleted_user

Thank you so much for the comforting words. Just knowing that I'm not in my own little world has helped a lot. Another thing that my counselor told me is that his OCD, is just that, his. If his "stuff" isn't harming me or our marriage, let it go. In other words, just go with the flow. We are doing much better, and I noticed that I've not been saying anything or commenting on the rituals or repititions. Just going with the flow. Fortunately, he has a light case and doesn't cause a lot of anxiety.
deleted_user
deleted_user

my husband has his moments and we are in one of those moments right now. it is so frustrating and hurtful to hear his words. my husbands go deeper. he likes to tell me that i don't try to understand his problems or i don't care what he is going through. he attacks my lack of personal interests and his disappointment in my efforts to do things. i absolutely think OCD and verbal abuse go hand in hand. i hate my husbands OCD with a passion. our marriage would be perfect with out it. we have 5 children and a great life, but this seems to control everything!
BrrbonNrye
BrrbonNrye

This is a really old post, but I wanted to tack on my bit in case it's useful for anyone.

I have OCD, as does my brother, mother, and grandmother. In my case, I either have a mild form or else have been conditioned into it. Perhaps both.

As a child, my brother had full on tantrums/fits if his rituals were interrupted. He will likely end up alone despite being charismatic (exactly like our mother) because he responds to interference with aggression, anger, insults, and nagging. Girlfriends view this as controlling, but it's beyond that--its obsessive.

Like me, he experiences a flood of chemicals in his brain due to a stress response. His muscles tense, his pulse increases, he can't stop fixating on the problem and eliminating it like an enemy. People preventing this are of little concern in-the-moment because he can see or think of nothing else. He will do what he needs to return things to a calm, non-threatening atmosphere.

Sometimes, this manifests as verbal abuse--a way to bully others to conform or to make them leave him alone while he fixes things. There can be intense, irrational anger when a specific thing or person keeps putting you in this position of anxiety and discomfort. Often, observers comment on our peculiarities. Even to each other, we can appear crazy.

After a handful of relationships failed miserably, I sought out a professional and was diagnosed. I took 3 years off dating to untwist myself and figure out what I liked vs what I had been taught. I had to teach myself to stop and question what I was doing and why. Would it change the outcome if I did it differently? Could I teach myself other ways?

Eventually, I began to exercise my tolerance muscle. I started taking a slightly different route to work--turning left one block earlier, forcing myself to skip over a tap on my seat in time with the painted dashes on the road, keeping my mouth shut when my roommate folded the afghan wrong, etc. I learned what would fade from my awareness given time and distraction, and what would always bug the crap out of me.

When I got married, I had a chat with my husband about it prior to living with him. I laid out certain things I would do in the house because of my OCD: laundry, putting away groceries, etc. He agreed to try to form a couple of small habits for me (i.e. wiping down the mirror if he saw a spot on it). In return, I agreed to avoid anything he saw as a pet peeve. Squeezing the toothpaste from the middle drives him bonkers--what a weirdo!

Almost 5 years later, it's a non-issue. We had brief bouts of trouble for the first two years, but that's a distant memory now. If you're bringing up things like this with your family, I suggest using the good ol' psychiatric sentence form: "When you do ____ it makes me feel ___. In the future, can you do ____ instead?" Do avoid blame, why questions, or speaking during extreme anger. Good luck!
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