Thank you for joining this support group. I am 42 years old and happily married. My husband and I got married at 22 and decided to wait a few years to try to conceive. At 26, I went off the pill and we began with the exciting prospect of growing our family. I went to school to be a teacher and had worked with kids since babysitting at 12, so I was definitely ready. Fast forward many years, and after going through blood draws before work, IUI, sperm counts, hormones shot into my stomach for 2 years, reading everything I could get my hands on, laparoscopies, endometriosis, crying each month when my period arrived, specialty doctors with charting cycles, and with careful prayer and discussion, my husband and I decided together to stop living in the “when” and “what if” stage of life for too long and to move on to the “let’s enjoy the life God has given us.” It’s not always easy but I feel called to share my story and to help others in their process and grief. I know how it feels and no one could have convinced me at 26 that at 42, I would be still living without children. But I am, and through God’s grace, am living a fulfilling life.
I am 47. I never had any babies or pregnancies. Menopause started three years ago.
When I was 18 I had an ovary removed because of a (thankfully) benign tumor. I was married at 22. We started trying to have a baby immediately. Months went by and I got more and more anxious. I got so much advice. Stop trying and it will happen. Visualize your baby and it will happen. Start getting your house ready and it will happen. I read books. I tried to learn everything. I cycled between anticipation and despair in fourteen day increments. I was tested and found that there was a lot of scar tissue. The doctor said unlikely but not impossible. I clung to those words like a talisman. I had a moment of spectacular joy when I thought all my dreams were coming true. I was in the bathroom watching a pregnancy test (even though you aren't supposed to do that). It started to look positive. I yelled for joy calling my husband into the bathroom just in time to realize it was negative. He had been building a model car and knew what I was doing and he had the same exstactic moment of spectacular joy running into the bathroom. Our dreams crashed in. He never finished building the model car. The marriage ended at 26.
I told myself having babies wasn't in the cards for me. I was going to art school and building a new single life and honestly it was a fantastic time. i was learning about myself and there was no reason to think about whether i would have kids or not. it wasn't even a possiblity. i convinced myself that i was actually better off than mothers because i could make a life that was all for me.
except to do this...to press down the lifelong dream of being a mother...i had to actually deny that i wanted it. i had to become critical of mothers and motherhood. i had to build a wall between my heart and any stories about babies and any babies that I came into contact with.
noone in my life even knew that i ever wanted that because i never brought it up. i thought if i didn't admit it i wouldn't have to feel it. i could make myself into someone who didn't care.
but everytime someone i knew got pregnant or mothers day rolled around and filled the stores and airwaves with beatific images of motherhood my heart broke all over again.
so when later i fell in love with a man who had a daughter i thought well - maybe i will get to be a step mom. i had images of step families in my head from movies and tv. flawed but making it work and eventually falling into a kind of closeness. i thought i could get to do that. except his daughter's mom didn't want that. she made a rule about not having their daughter around a significant other until marriage. that meant there was no chance I would get to build a relationship with his daughter and it also meant it was harder for him to think about the three of us being kind of a family because he always had to keep us apart.
so when we got married i did meet her and we get to see each other occasionally but not enough to build a relationship. she has a mom and doesn't need me and isn't interested in coming to stay with us. it would be difficult anyway because we live in different states. she is fourteen now and i'm running out of time for us to have that kind of family. i have been so sad because she loves to go and stay with my husbands parents but won't come and stay with us. there is this raw pain and disappointment that comes from having an expecation that was largely selfish and didn't consider reality.
i told my therapist about my stepdaughter last week but not about the infertility. she asked why i wanted that and said that i should get a dog to fill that hole in my life.
so i realized that i can't just decide not to feel something by refusing to feel it.
it's too late for me to have a baby and i wouldn't have been able to afford the treatments anyway. adoption is expensive too. i don't want to get obsessed with trying to do something to become a parent that might not work. i don't want to drop a ball of sadness and tragedy into my marriage that could erode it from the inside.
she said i need to grieve. i don't know how. how do you grieve?
For me, grieving has taken a long time. I did the same as you for awhile, trying to convince myself that I could focus on not wanting to be a mom because it’s so much responsibility and I could have more time for me. Though it’s good to focus on the positives of the life you have (more on that later), I found that I first had to grieve the life I didn’t live first. That meant really allowing myself to accept the life God has for me, and learning to be ok with not knowing why. You can drive yourself mad wondering why you weren’t blessed with children. As a Christian, I would read all the Bible verses about being fruitful and multiplying, and wonder, “why won’t you let my body do what it was meant to do, Lord?” I wondered if it was some punishment for past transgressions like having sex before marriage, etc. I know God better than to really think He would punish me like this. He is a loving God and wants the best life for me. But, I didn’t think this was the best life for me!!
After many years of trying, and a refusal to accept a different life than the one I thought I’d have for 40 years, my husband and I decided we were always living in this “when we have a baby” phase, going through treatments, feeling crushed when they didn’t work...etc. I was mad at God, furious even! What did I do to deserve this? I have an intrinsic need to mother deep within my soul and I didn’t know where to put it. Where does that love go?
Honestly, what brought me through is acceptance. We were spending so much mental energy on all of these toxic thoughts all these years. I call them toxic because they were taking us away from the life that God had placed right in front of us and that we really weren’t living. I knew God loved me and I was his child. I had to accept that He has the big picture and He has a purpose for my life that different than what I thought. I don’t know why women have children they don’t care for or that shouldn’t ever have children and people like us who desperately want to be moms and would be wonderful parents can’t do that. But that’s not for me to figure out, I realized. All I know is the life God intended for me, and we decided to put our faith in Him.
I have other outlets God has provided. I am a second grade teacher, and am able to put sone of that love into my school babies each year. I honestly think I am able to have stronger relationships with my students because I’m not a mom. We have six nieces and nephews that we love. We provide them with a different relationship, and try to give them different experiences than what they get from our siblings. We get so much joy from them! My husband. My husband is a gift from God! I love him with my whole soul and I feel like a part of me is gone when he’s not around. I know our relationship would not be the same if we had children. I cherish our closeness and our priority for each other.
Yes, all those kids go home and don’t belong to me, and I’ll never hear someone call me Mom (except for the students know do it by accident). It still hurts sometimes. A lot. Especially near and on Mother’s Day or when someone asks how many kids I have, and I have to tell them I don’t have any, sadly, without looking how I feel or give them my life story.
But, God has a plan for your life too. I don’t know what your beliefs are, or if you believe in God. But He believes in you. There is a reason why you are going through this. You might not know why for a long time, or ever because you don’t know how your experiences might impact others. The main way I am able to be happy with a life without children is because of my faith. God has allowed me to focus on Him. He takes my burdens, my questions, and He has shown me how to live the life He has designed for me.
So grieve. Be angry, ask questions, allow yourself to feel the loss of the life you didn’t get to live. Allow yourself the time. You’re afraid to drop all the emotions into your marriage but your husband is not likely getting all of you. There is a void that you must acknowledge if you are to embrace the life that’s waiting for you. I promise God has a plan for your life, and you have a purpose separate from being a mother. I will be praying for you! Contact me anytime on this forum and maybe we can swap info to help each other through this.