Liars Anonymous Community Group
A support group to provide those with a compulsive addiction to lie a place to share hope, strength and courage with others like them; solve our common problem and help others with a compulsion to lie. We aren't alone!
I really don't know where to start off here, I guess saying "Hi my name is Aaron, and I'm a compulsive liar!" I am very new to this support group, and I come before you a very broken man. I would like to detour that blame of my "brokeness" to others, but the nightmare of truth is upon me, and I've realized that me being broken is my fault. I sit here typing this message as the coldness of my choices and action linger in the air! I also come before you all very ashamed and very embarrassed of what I've done for decades and what I've become. I have hurt and disappointed so many people, that if I had to write a list of everyone I've offended, I wouldn't know where to start.
I feel so badly about my latest example of just how much I've "F'd" up! Due to my addiction and compulsion to lie I have recently lost a relationship with a woman that I've been with little more than a year. I can remember before she flew out to be with me, that I kept giving myself little "pep talks" as to try and remind me that you've got a fresh start here, a clean slate, don't blow it with this person! For I knew what blowing with people I've been in prior relationships with, I knew what it felt like, I knew that as with prior relationships, it might land me straight on my butt and alone. Well, that's coming true now, my ex-fiance is just biding her time waiting for the date to come where she can board her plane and put me and everything about me behind her.
I told myself a long while back that if you started in on this person with my "bullsh*t" that you'd reap the rewards of your actions and choices. It's happened, it's coming true, and at the end of the day I've got no one to blame then myself. She's not willing to act upon my request and some advise of others to maybe just wait before she would do something as drastic as board a plane and leave. Nope, she's been to let down, to hurt, to disappointed........to her "enough is enough"! I think I'm mental or something, here it is, the pressure is off, I don't have to worry about telling this person lies, just to buy the relationship more time, now that the pressure is off, now, you got to be kidding me, now, I get a moment of clarity and realize what all my actions and choices lead up to, really? Why couldn't I have seen it along the way and perhaps put my foot down and told myself "no more" and then try to stop. Why is it now after the fact that I'm hurt by what I've done? Why couldn't I be hurt while I was doing it, why "after the fact"?
Now I just sit and await the soon coming day that my ex-fiance leaves the front door for the last time, all the while being reminded and reminded and reminded of my lies, the distrust upon her when I try to tell her "I'm sorry", nope, doesn't want to really hear it. I'll tell you what, this poor woman was the last person I wanted to lay my compulsive lying onto, she didn't deserve any part of what she got, she's just fricking of a good person to have deserved all of it. So now once again. after she's gone, I get to sit home, alone, and kick myself in the butt for what I've done and know that as far as my ex-fience, there's really little of anything I can do now or do after she's gone to make it up to her.
As I sit here, and currently be reminded of my wrongs, tension in the air, being told my pain isn't as bad as some one else's, ect. ect. ect. I sit here and put my thoughts upon the future and have almost not an answer of what the future bring or holds. I'm scared, I'm nervous, I'm worried, I'm almost to the point where I'd like to reach an automotive wrench inside my mouth and rip out my tongue and spare the people of the world my lying words! I've been lying almost all of my life, it started when I was a very young child. Some of my craft or art of dishonesty was "self taught" and some of it was learned to me by others. I came from a lot of "broken homes" when young, my Mom divorced my biological Father when I was around 4 yrs old, my Mom divorced my Step-Father when I was 15 yrs old and Mom divorced her current ex-husband when I was 19 yrs old, I've been around as far as broken homes go. Some of the beginnings of my lying began upon the emotion pain I went through, the shame, the embarrassments, the continued change of homes, schools, friends, and Family, made for a very insecure Aaron.
Also I learned some of the craft of lying from relatives, especially those who were known to get themselves into various degrees of trouble. I witnessed several key people use lying as a way to get out of problems, I picked up on that action rather quickly and started to use it myself. My foundation for lying could have come from something so simple as lying with something like "Aaron did you eat all the cookies out of the cookie jar"? No Mom, I didn't didn't, I swear, I think my Sister did it, all the while knowing damn well that I did eat the cookies and getting someone else in trouble for it, just to spare me the punishment.
I have realized one thing that I've noticed all on my very own, that I tend to lie more when being put into positions where I feel inadequate, lacking, under educated, my ego hates to feel like I'm not as good as the "next guy", so I will lie to raise myself up to people, to make them think I've done things great, which knowing damn well I didn't do anything like what I've said I've done, at all. But knowing all of that, I sit here and still do the same darn things, yes I know why I do them, but I don't stop, after let down after let down after let down I think I would have learned to stop by now, but nope, I keep rolling right along with it!
I just feel so bad about the wake of destruction I've left in my life! I'm almost to the point that I've contemplated on how much more of this I can take? I don't know, for some reason I just keep waking up and going through my day, sometimes telling tall tales, then I go to bed, sleep, wake up, and repeat. Perhaps things will improve a little after my ex-fiance leaves for good, maybe not living day after day with the constant reminders of my evil ways will help. I'm just having a very hard time being motivated to do anything right about now, because parts of me are whispering to me, no matter what best foot forward you do, it will never help you!
I've hurt my Family, I've hurt friends, I've hurt strangers and I've hurt myself................I just want the hurt to go away!
Any advise and such would really be appreciated, I am feeling very lost!
I feel so badly about my latest example of just how much I've "F'd" up! Due to my addiction and compulsion to lie I have recently lost a relationship with a woman that I've been with little more than a year. I can remember before she flew out to be with me, that I kept giving myself little "pep talks" as to try and remind me that you've got a fresh start here, a clean slate, don't blow it with this person! For I knew what blowing with people I've been in prior relationships with, I knew what it felt like, I knew that as with prior relationships, it might land me straight on my butt and alone. Well, that's coming true now, my ex-fiance is just biding her time waiting for the date to come where she can board her plane and put me and everything about me behind her.
I told myself a long while back that if you started in on this person with my "bullsh*t" that you'd reap the rewards of your actions and choices. It's happened, it's coming true, and at the end of the day I've got no one to blame then myself. She's not willing to act upon my request and some advise of others to maybe just wait before she would do something as drastic as board a plane and leave. Nope, she's been to let down, to hurt, to disappointed........to her "enough is enough"! I think I'm mental or something, here it is, the pressure is off, I don't have to worry about telling this person lies, just to buy the relationship more time, now that the pressure is off, now, you got to be kidding me, now, I get a moment of clarity and realize what all my actions and choices lead up to, really? Why couldn't I have seen it along the way and perhaps put my foot down and told myself "no more" and then try to stop. Why is it now after the fact that I'm hurt by what I've done? Why couldn't I be hurt while I was doing it, why "after the fact"?
Now I just sit and await the soon coming day that my ex-fiance leaves the front door for the last time, all the while being reminded and reminded and reminded of my lies, the distrust upon her when I try to tell her "I'm sorry", nope, doesn't want to really hear it. I'll tell you what, this poor woman was the last person I wanted to lay my compulsive lying onto, she didn't deserve any part of what she got, she's just fricking of a good person to have deserved all of it. So now once again. after she's gone, I get to sit home, alone, and kick myself in the butt for what I've done and know that as far as my ex-fience, there's really little of anything I can do now or do after she's gone to make it up to her.
As I sit here, and currently be reminded of my wrongs, tension in the air, being told my pain isn't as bad as some one else's, ect. ect. ect. I sit here and put my thoughts upon the future and have almost not an answer of what the future bring or holds. I'm scared, I'm nervous, I'm worried, I'm almost to the point where I'd like to reach an automotive wrench inside my mouth and rip out my tongue and spare the people of the world my lying words! I've been lying almost all of my life, it started when I was a very young child. Some of my craft or art of dishonesty was "self taught" and some of it was learned to me by others. I came from a lot of "broken homes" when young, my Mom divorced my biological Father when I was around 4 yrs old, my Mom divorced my Step-Father when I was 15 yrs old and Mom divorced her current ex-husband when I was 19 yrs old, I've been around as far as broken homes go. Some of the beginnings of my lying began upon the emotion pain I went through, the shame, the embarrassments, the continued change of homes, schools, friends, and Family, made for a very insecure Aaron.
Also I learned some of the craft of lying from relatives, especially those who were known to get themselves into various degrees of trouble. I witnessed several key people use lying as a way to get out of problems, I picked up on that action rather quickly and started to use it myself. My foundation for lying could have come from something so simple as lying with something like "Aaron did you eat all the cookies out of the cookie jar"? No Mom, I didn't didn't, I swear, I think my Sister did it, all the while knowing damn well that I did eat the cookies and getting someone else in trouble for it, just to spare me the punishment.
I have realized one thing that I've noticed all on my very own, that I tend to lie more when being put into positions where I feel inadequate, lacking, under educated, my ego hates to feel like I'm not as good as the "next guy", so I will lie to raise myself up to people, to make them think I've done things great, which knowing damn well I didn't do anything like what I've said I've done, at all. But knowing all of that, I sit here and still do the same darn things, yes I know why I do them, but I don't stop, after let down after let down after let down I think I would have learned to stop by now, but nope, I keep rolling right along with it!
I just feel so bad about the wake of destruction I've left in my life! I'm almost to the point that I've contemplated on how much more of this I can take? I don't know, for some reason I just keep waking up and going through my day, sometimes telling tall tales, then I go to bed, sleep, wake up, and repeat. Perhaps things will improve a little after my ex-fiance leaves for good, maybe not living day after day with the constant reminders of my evil ways will help. I'm just having a very hard time being motivated to do anything right about now, because parts of me are whispering to me, no matter what best foot forward you do, it will never help you!
I've hurt my Family, I've hurt friends, I've hurt strangers and I've hurt myself................I just want the hurt to go away!
Any advise and such would really be appreciated, I am feeling very lost!
I've been telling myself that I'm just f**cked now, I'm worthless, I'm a monster... it doesn't matter what I do now because I'm just garbage... hopeless.
But I found a piece of hope. We're liars here so I'm gonna prove I really do have a piece of hope in my hand....
I am here. And so are you. My God, this hurts like Hell, doesn't it?
Think. In the world at this very moment, how many are just continuing to do wrong, refusing to admit it? It goes against our nature as humans to judge ourselves so many will remain oblivious to the pain they cause, the damage they do, simply because they're afraid to face it.
But here we are. Why on Earth would we ever dig up the wrong we've done, and lay it out... before us, before this group, before the world... if doing so caused us such agony?
Unless, we've found hope here. And we've discovered the pain caused by our lies is far worse than the pain we thought we'd avoid by lying.
So, If we're strong enough to be here, certainly we're strong enough to change what it is about us that leads us to lie. Wasn't it hard enough just to admit we should join this group? Then we peel away the layers of the onion before everyone, "Here's who I am, what I've done...". This is one the hardest things a person could ever do. But we did it, didn't we?
Something's different this time or we wouldn't be here.
"Be of good courage, Master Ridley"
:)