Liars Anonymous Community Group
A support group to provide those with a compulsive addiction to lie a place to share hope, strength and courage with others like them; solve our common problem and help others with a compulsion to lie. We aren't alone!
From an early age, I felt the need too make people happy. For the most-part that came with positive attributes, but on the reverse side of the sword, I also found myself altering the truth to optimize reality. I was never a popular kid, so it often centered on the desire to be accepted by my peers. I don't think I had the same issue with adults, I always seemed to get along with them better, and generally, they seemed to accept me.
Now that I am an adult, I am in a position where truth is not just important, but essential - in work, in family, and in my relationship. I'm setting aside the first two though because I'm here having caused devastation to the person that I care most about in the world. Not only have I lied to her consistently to make things appear to be what I wanted them to be (often, and in this case, centered on my financial situation, but also when I've screwed something up), but I've also done so knowing that she is someone who needs the truth and for whom lying is the worst thing that you could do. It tears at her fabric in an understandably, additionally destructive way.
I have caused her pain - for this, I feel shame. I wish the person that I was in that moment could have been strong enough to tell the truth when asked a question. I also wish that I was the person that had the answer that I should have had, that I had been more successful in saving money. I also wish I understood why I still do this... I feel ugly, lazy, mean, and so many other things that describe someone that I feel like I don't even know.
How did I become this person? At what point did I go off the side of the cliff? Surely I should have been able to change for this person, or in meeting her should have realized that I needed help to be the man that I needed to be. To be a husband, to be a father. Things that I now may never see with her because of a choice I made to not think about the hard things, to not self-evaluate.
She asked me if I hated her and told me that I must, or that I must not want to be with her to have lied like this and treated her in this way. I wish that my answers meant anything or made sense, and I feel all twisted up inside because to me it's the complete opposite. I'm not justifying the fact that I lied now - I really shouldn't have done that nor should I do it, period. But at that moment it was like a fight or flight response to preserve the state of peace or goodness or enjoyment that we had. I almost feel like that's what I'm addicted to more is the feeling like everything's ok and that I haven't messed things up. Staying in that moment is the sweetest thing, and it's nothing to do with the lie because it feels even better when it's the truth. I just so infrequently earn those moments where I've done the easy or hard thing that leads to the perfectly happy moment.
Maybe I should also put this in the additional context that I'm an adult with ADD and while I'm now being medicated, I hadn't taken medicine since leaving college over a decade ago. But all of this, whether because of, related to, or exacerbated, has some root in the problems that stem from this condition, as they make it extremely difficult to accomplish many of the same tasks and goals that most adults do with ease.
This was all easier to manage when it was just me, but I met the love of my life going on 5 years ago and it's not just me.
In desperation, I googled liars anonymous and compulsive lying last night, when everything came to a head and found a number of sites that seemed to describe what I felt, why I did what I did, and here have stories that seemed similar to my own.
My biggest regret is that I didn't make this search 5 years ago. Scratch that - it's that I wasn't self-aware enough (or seemingly didn't care enough to recognize that these behaviors had become me) to even realize that I had a problem. And then that after patterns emerged I still felt that I would be able to hide the things that I thought were wrong or ugly and fix them over time, instead of letting her in to be a part of it. I just have always felt so messy and it's so hard to let anyone see that.
Anyways... I'm not sure what my fate is here. I hope that I haven't broken this relationship and person that I love, literally more than anyone and anything else, past the point of repair - but for once I am not hopeful. I just had to share this somewhere, even if it doesn't get read. For those who are spiritual, if you could offer up a prayer for us, I would greatly appreciate it.
You are better than the lies you tell. You have to make a decision that you want this to stop. It looks as if you already have decided that you want to be a better person. I too lied to my spouse mainly about finances because I was not being a good steward over what God had given us. You can break this habit/addiction if you want to and I know you can do it. I began to read scriptures about what God's view on lying was first. I found that He detests it. I made a decision that I didn't want to disappoint Him anymore. In doing that, I was able to be begin to be honest...little by little of course. My hubby and I are still not back to the norm but each day gets better. I challenge you to turn this completely over to God and understand that you cannot do this without His help. Again you are better than this....I will be praying for you.