Thanks for the reply. What are coda meetings. I am not exactly sure my reasons but it is definitely because I want to please everyone and be liked. The more i learn the more I am beginning to see what my triggers and patterns are.

You need to keep a small diary with you throughout the day and jot down every time you tell a lie or say something deceptive and then share that with hour partner. It will be terrifying at first, but if you want to save your marriage it is the only way through it. You will eventually begin to self correct. It’s a painful exercise but worth it.

Hi Thedent, I agree with Outofcontrol the only way to make progress is to share everything with your wife. She has to know you respect and trust her enough to be honest with her

It's likely to be one of the hardest things you've ever done. If, like me, your negative behaviours have been forged from years of trying to fit in, please others and avoid conflict they'll be hard to break.

I struggle with it every day, but I have to share that with my wife. Every time I successfully stop myself or make a mistake and lie I have to bring myself to tell her. It's hugely uncomfortable and I don't always succeed but I know she needs to see me make the effort

As she's explained to me, if I don't tell her she may not get it and if she doesn't get it she thinks I'm not trying. If she thinks I'm not trying it's the end of our marriage.

Its high stakes and I don't deal well with being under that type of pressure. Historically I would have been more likely to lie in order to avoid confrontation or to keep myself safe. I understand now that those behaviours are not helpful. They felt helpful in the past but I now realise that in itself was a lie, and it's one I told myself a lot.

I hope you manage to find a way to get though this. Just be sure to share how you feel and what you think with your wife. She needs to know. She deserves to know. It's a long road but remember you're not alone. Good luck my friend.