I'm 35 years old and in love with the live of my life. I want to be honest with her all the time, I really do. I know it's best for our relationship. The problem is that I've always had a problem with lying, even as a kid. It's always stupid, little stuff that I lie about, like whether or not I called somebody or whether or not I bought a soda for myself at the grocery store. I lie when I feel ashamed of my actions to make myself look better, even when I know I've really done nothing wrong. It's like I lie because I'd rather avoid an awkward conversation about something dumb I did that'll make me look bad than tell the truth. It makes me feel pathetic.

Last night, I lied about whether or not I had eaten a calzone. I said I had not, but I had, and my girlfriend had caught me in the act because she found the receipt. Today, she gave me an ultimatum: the lying stops, or it's over. Three years of a relationship that has exceeded any of my wildest dreams  will be over if I don't stop. I'm throwing my future away if I can't.

I don't know how to stop. I've tried therapy before but it didn't work for me. Maybe I wasn't on the same page as my therapist and we weren't communicating well enough, I don't know. I've talked to friends about it but the only advice I get is "just don't lie". No disrespect to my friends, but if it was that easy I would've stopped a long time ago. Maybe admitting I have a problem will help me. I have no idea. I feel lost, confused, sad, and angry with myself. I feel like I'm defective because normal people don't struggle with this. 

I'm not looking for a magic wand or an immediate solution, I'm willing to put in the work. I just don't know what the first step should be or how to do it. I need help.