Liars Anonymous Community Group
A support group to provide those with a compulsive addiction to lie a place to share hope, strength and courage with others like them; solve our common problem and help others with a compulsion to lie. We aren't alone!
Hi All,
I am writing this with my relationship at whit's end. I am 40yo, have been married for 6 years, have 3 children, but my wife has had enough of my lying.
I grew up with a mother who used to lie all the time, and was verbally abusive towards us if we did something wrong. She still lies now. I despise her lying, yet I do this myself.... :(
I am a compulsive liar, I tend to lie more so to avoid conflicts or to get in trouble. I am not someone who lies for attention. I do probably tend to put myself last, thus sometimes I would not say what I want to appease others.
Over the past 6 years I've had many occasions where I've lied to avoid getting caught or in trouble, so much so that I no longer have access to the internet on my smart phone because of the sneakiness and lies that I used to tell regarding this. The amazing thing was that until my wife started pulling me up on these things I never really knew I had this issue. It had become second nature to me...
Two years ago it was also getting out of hand, and we agreed that I would see a psychologist who would help with hypnotherapy. He was great and I was doing really well in that a lot of the big lies where if I'd done something wrong I was admitting to and not trying to avoid getting in trouble. I've been really good with this. I stopped played Fantasy Sports and stopped using the Internet on my phone at that time, so that my wife could have more trust in me.
Whilst I know she has seen the improvement, she still struggles to get close to me. She believes that I am still telling the very small lies, such as asking where the nappy bag was the other day when we were getting out of the car to go shopping, and I'd locked the door. My response was "I hadn't gotten around to it" when I had merely forgot to get it out of the car. Of course that was it, she could see between the lines. I just merely didn't think before I spoke. Because it is so natural for me to spurt out lies to defend myself, it just happened. If I'd stopped before I answered I would have said the truth. I can handle those situations, there have been many before like that and I've told the truth, but why was it automatic??
She says it's happened so much lately, but she's just let it go.
I always own up to any lies now, if I'm caught out, so I didn't argue this, but my wife has just had enough. I use to argue my lies to keep them safe. I can understand her frustration and feel her pain and want so much to help her. The last few days have been absolutely terrible for her, and she has demanded that I come up with physical evidence that I stop or she is basically a single mother.
I'm really at a loss as to what to do as I want her to enjoy Christmas and I'm getting told that it's ruined unless I come up with this hard evidence which shows that I will stop. I'm not going back to counseling as she now believes it was such a waste, and we cannot afford it anyway. I love my wife and family so much, and I just want to be with them for the remainder of my life, but I don't want to tells lies like that.
Thank you in advance for any advice.
I am writing this with my relationship at whit's end. I am 40yo, have been married for 6 years, have 3 children, but my wife has had enough of my lying.
I grew up with a mother who used to lie all the time, and was verbally abusive towards us if we did something wrong. She still lies now. I despise her lying, yet I do this myself.... :(
I am a compulsive liar, I tend to lie more so to avoid conflicts or to get in trouble. I am not someone who lies for attention. I do probably tend to put myself last, thus sometimes I would not say what I want to appease others.
Over the past 6 years I've had many occasions where I've lied to avoid getting caught or in trouble, so much so that I no longer have access to the internet on my smart phone because of the sneakiness and lies that I used to tell regarding this. The amazing thing was that until my wife started pulling me up on these things I never really knew I had this issue. It had become second nature to me...
Two years ago it was also getting out of hand, and we agreed that I would see a psychologist who would help with hypnotherapy. He was great and I was doing really well in that a lot of the big lies where if I'd done something wrong I was admitting to and not trying to avoid getting in trouble. I've been really good with this. I stopped played Fantasy Sports and stopped using the Internet on my phone at that time, so that my wife could have more trust in me.
Whilst I know she has seen the improvement, she still struggles to get close to me. She believes that I am still telling the very small lies, such as asking where the nappy bag was the other day when we were getting out of the car to go shopping, and I'd locked the door. My response was "I hadn't gotten around to it" when I had merely forgot to get it out of the car. Of course that was it, she could see between the lines. I just merely didn't think before I spoke. Because it is so natural for me to spurt out lies to defend myself, it just happened. If I'd stopped before I answered I would have said the truth. I can handle those situations, there have been many before like that and I've told the truth, but why was it automatic??
She says it's happened so much lately, but she's just let it go.
I always own up to any lies now, if I'm caught out, so I didn't argue this, but my wife has just had enough. I use to argue my lies to keep them safe. I can understand her frustration and feel her pain and want so much to help her. The last few days have been absolutely terrible for her, and she has demanded that I come up with physical evidence that I stop or she is basically a single mother.
I'm really at a loss as to what to do as I want her to enjoy Christmas and I'm getting told that it's ruined unless I come up with this hard evidence which shows that I will stop. I'm not going back to counseling as she now believes it was such a waste, and we cannot afford it anyway. I love my wife and family so much, and I just want to be with them for the remainder of my life, but I don't want to tells lies like that.
Thank you in advance for any advice.
I understand where your wife is coming from. My fiancee has said the same thing, SHOW ME something. She needs something to see that is a sign you're changing, that this is stopping, that you will stop hurting her. You need to change around your life right now, because this is incredibly serious. Little lies are often just as damaging to a relationship as big ones are.
There's a lot of good advice in the post I recommended for you. Check it out. You're at the right place which shows you are taking this as seriously as you should, but it will take starving out your addiction to really conquer it.
Treat every day like a new day, and just FOCUS on making it to the end of the day without lying. Have proof of everything you do. For me, this means taking pictures everywhere I go when I am not with her, of every delay I hit coming home from work so she knows that I was actually delayed. And most importantly, I can't emphasize this enough,
BE. CONSISTENT. One slipup and you have to start ALL OVER. Its not easy. But you can do this if you focus!!! Good luck!
Thanks for your reply. I will be sure to have a look at that thread tonight. Just from skipping through it I can see a link to Youtube which will help, plus I'm sure there are many other comments to assist as well. Your advice re proof of things, I can relate to, as my wife will ask why it look me longer than normal to get home, etc. Trust is so important and I know I have robbed her of having that with me, something I really regret.
I just need to take a deep breath and not rush with my answering, feeling like I have to justify everything to her. Taking it one day at a time like you said and focusing will certainly help. This to me will certainly help with the complacency over time.
Well done on your efforts, I'm sure you will succeed.
Thanks again for your response. I will update you with what I think after reading that thread.
There were a lot of items in that thread that I could relate to, especially the small white lies to avoid conflict, or the assuming that someone else was doing it to avoid my responsibility. What I find amazing is that I often have to have a reason for so many things, instead of just accepting what has been asked of me, or saying that I forgot. Mind you I don't always do this, but I just don't understand why I have done this before when I know I can be honest and truthful.
I think probably the most important piece I got from this was that I need to let some of my ego go, I need to learn the art of humility. At work I struggle to delegate, especially when I've developed something, as I don't have trust that someone else could do that job as good as me. If I am explaining something to my team, I will often feel like I have to ask several times if they understand what I am saying. This even happens at home, where if my wife or my son does something for me, I'm anxious that they will do it correctly. I also often will "think I know everything". My wife told me off the other day for this very reason.
I never realized just how condescending I was, let alone how arrogant I was. I've always considered myself a considerate, thoughtful, and caring person. How contrasting life can be...
The other important lesson learnt from that thread was about wanting praise and recognition, I often find that I am thinking about why someone hasn't acknowledged me. I think I need to learn more to be a good listener, and not so much think about what I want and what I am about to say next.
When I saw my psychologist we dealt a little in anxiety and assertiveness. I know I have improved in those areas, but I really do have a long way to go. I know that I can overcome this, but the only way I will do this is to not only tell the truth, but learn to be humble and let go of my anxiety. They all feed one another.
I can really understand why my wife is angry and frustrated with me as she has said all of the things I typed above to me at one time or another, and whilst I believed I took in what she said, I obviously didn't really. She can't understand why I will all of a sudden fix myself from reading al these things online as opposed to listening to her. That I can understand must be really frustrating when your husband of 6 years doesn't appear to have been listening to you...
Lastly, when I told my wife that I would come on some forums and constantly be entering posts, or looking up information, she told me that won't last, but I know I will and after reading that thread I know there are plenty more things to read up on learn about.
Congratulations on your efforts Alex, I know you will succeed.
i just started a little over 6 weeks ago and i made more progress than i thought i could in that time -- 1 lie!!!! one day at a time, thats the key too.
good luck, stay focused, you got this, post regularly.
My wife was reading a story of a boy who went missing 3-4 months ago, and said to me they still haven't found him yet... I replied "I don't recall that that story" My wife was amazed that I couldn't remember (I have a poor memory at times). She tried to give me a few hints, but I still didn't remember, then I remembered about 20 seconds later that I vaguely remembered seeing some story of a boy going missing wearing what he was wearing. My wife thought I was lying, making this up to protect the fact I have a bad memory, but I wasn't, and unfortunately we did not really talk for the remainder of the night.
Then later, she told me she contacted some a crime agency when they story was on, and I said I didn't remember that either. Again, she was truly amazed that I didn't remember that, and said that I obviously have a problem with my memory.
Then all of a sudden my ego started to kick in and I was trying to remember rather than just saying, oh well I don't remember. So I eventually mad a comment to her based on a calculated guess as to what she might have done. She saw right through it as obviously I was wrong... My ego was obviously struggling with not remembering what was obviously significant to her, of which I didn't remember.
I lacked that discipline to let the situation go and just accept that perhaps I didn't remember, and wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Let's just say, we're over. We are living together for the sake of the kids, but we're separated from my wife's point of view....
With Christmas around the corner, this is the last thing I would have wished for :(
Thanks again.
We managed to go out yesterday and finish off the Christmas shopping and all things went reasonably well, although there is obvious tension between us, and that is also the case today.
She will be watching me like a hawk, so I will have to ensure I watch what I say and practice the items I have read from on here.
I know I will manage it though.
one day at time. for the first couple weeks, ESPECIALLY, pants, you have to focus on this every day!!!! not exagerrating, you got to man.
and even then you cant slack off. the battle against addiction may take a long time but forget about that and just focus each day on making it to the end of the day. if you were quitting heroin you wouldnt think about it saturday and forget about it the next day, and losing your marriage is a serious risk. i suggest you treat your addiction like it's a drug habit, it is certainly hurting you and your wife like one.
you got this, stay focused man!
Focus, listening and communication is the key.
Thanks for your support ;)
I hope your Christmas went ok? I just read through this whole thread and what you and alexa mentioned has a lot to do with me. My friend keeps telling me you need to SHOW me some improvement or show me you are trying. How can one do that? I mean I just continue to try not to lie, but I think for some reason that's not enough for people we've lied to?? I don't know, sometimes I feel my own head fights my confusion when it comes to the lies.
Just like your wife mentioned that she can read between your lies (that you think weren't lies) , so can my friend. I sometimes don't notice it or don't think its a lie, but for them it is. An example, she had sent me a picture and asked if she looked fat, I didn't think she did at all, she looked really nice, but in my mind, I did notice that she did seem to have gained a little in her thighs. When I did text her back I told her she didn't (cause I honestly did not think she looked fat). When we saw each other this week, she mentioned that her family had told her she had gained weight and showed me some other pics, I told her she looked fine in those but that in the one that she had sent me it did look like she did gain a little on her thighs. That was enough to upset her and she asked why I was lying. Like I said to me, I didn't think I was at all cause I didn't see her as fat. But I guess that's where I'm wrong???
:(
I know with my wife there are times when I've gone the safe route and said that what she was wearing was fine etc, but as I've learned lately it's better to be constructive than to lie to make her happy.
Keep at it, you can do it. Just remember not to let your ego get in the way of your decision making. Good luck.
i feel that when speaking with someone who knows that you are a liar especially in uncomfortable topics/conforntations, it's better to be rude and offend them than it is to be polite and lie to them. if they get upset about it, you can just tell them you made the tough call to be honest with them even though you were afraid it would hurt them. it shows you care about their feelings more than their ego. just my 2 cents. good luck
Part of it is that I'm too hard on myself period. I thank you for breaking it down to me like that. I guess sometimes I don't even see certain things as a lie anymore. I sometimes feel that if I do tell her the truth she will get upset because of prior experience. There was one time I told her that her knees made her look like they were chunky cause she told me to be honest, but then eventually it did backfire because when we argued she would mention that I basically called her fat, even though she did want honesty.
And what do you mean by ego getting in the way?
If I don't respond these next couple of days, is because I'm spending new years with that friend. Wish me luck!!! :(
You can honest and hurtful, or honest and constructive. It's all in the way you make your comment.
As for ego getting in the way, all liars let their own ego get in the way. Take a step back and realize why you lie? Is it really to not hurt the person you're talking to, or is it for your own benefit? I believe it's the latter, as you are ultimately protecting yourself from conflict, or to make yourself appeal to someone else making a false self.
In business, there is a term called "the balcony and the dance floor". It's used when you're caught up in everyday work, and don't have enough time to reflect on what you're doing and what impact it is having on others. You got to Balcony to reflect, and get off the Dance Floor.
The same can apply here, and if you take that step back and realize that most of the time it's your own ego that is preventing trouble, preventing issues, you will learn to be more humble by listening, and paying more attention to what someone else is saying rather than just own thoughts. Read the post suggested by Alex re Changing myself & Trying to rebuild a relationship. It has some strong messages in there.
Good luck, just be your true self.