Although I have not recently posted I continue to check in to this site to keep me grounded and focused. I, like so many who find there way to this site, joined at a time of crisis in my life that I had created through my lying. I have experienced a journey of healing and growth over the past two years. It feels good. An inner contentment as to whom I truly am and what I value in life. I came to realize that I lied out of fear and shame. Fear of being judged and being imperfect and shame over behaviors I did not want to admit to. So I dug deep into what led me down this path. I chose to quit behaviors I would feel the need to lie about. And of course as so many of us have spoken the lying went back decades....born out of childhood. I am very successful and well thought of in my community. I could easily have chosen not to do the work and continue in my compromised way of coping, failing to heal past internalized percieved injuries, and on the outside appear fine to many. My catalis to change was the crumbling of a relationship I cherished and a partner who was not going to tolerate dishonesty no matter how trivial. I clearly remember the day she asked what is your action plan as she walked out of my life. So I let go of ego and and took that hard look at myself. I did not want to be a liar. But it seemed born of years of muscle memmory to protect some inner warped sense of appearing always perfect. I am now as happy as I have ever been in my life. Forget finacial security, forget business success, I am talking internal contentment. Living a life that every day feels like I am in heaven. Following what is passionate to me with no concerns as to how others percieve my actions. 

     There are a few items I want to share. It has taken a while to come to understand what these words really mean. I will list them. Intention. Control. Acceptance. Surrender. 

     So many times we set a goal for ourselves. I certainly did. I started with a goal of not lying for a whole day. A week. A month. But what happens when you reach that goal? I have found that goals are self limiting. They are finite. So instead set an intention. Intentions last a life time. I intend to no longer care what others think of me. I intend to  hold to the truth no matter what it cost me. I intend to be responsible for my internal happiness. That no other person can make me happy. They can enhance my happiness but I am responsible for creating my happiness. So make an intention. Write it down.Put it where you can see it every day. Commit every morning to working on meeting that intention. These intentions are many. Healthy life stye, eating right, exercising, not stepping out of a relationship by cheating, watching porn, giving up addictions ......

     Control!!!! None of us are in control (except for our own actions and behaviors). I have no control over how another thinks or reacts. I have no control over the weather. I have no control over the traffic or the person in the left lane going too slow. Give up the illusion of control. When you learn to give up control it helps aleviate our fear. 

     By giving up control you learn acceptance. What used to be irritating and annoying vanishes. You come to unerstand that people really are opperating on a "best they know how to do" at any given time. Their best may be wholfully inadequate to you but when you understand that they are doing the best they know how it is easier to let go of frustration. That does not mean you have to accept thier actions or behaviors. It is ok to have boundaries. But you can get your personal ego out of the equation and keep your blood presure and anger managed. 

     And this leads to surrender. When you give up control, when you learn acceptance you surrender to your surroundings. There is an internal divinity in all of us. There is a master plan that guides the universe. There is an inner contentment as I stated above that grows exponentially when you give over to this mentality ( at least for me). I have gone form a its about me world to a how can I serve world. Wow. What a differnce. None of this was obvious to me when I started this journey. It all sounded whoo whoo to me. I am not invested in organized religion. But I have come to feel that there is an energy that guides all things. An energy that we can tap into that is good and guiding. I call this energy our higher self. It is that little voice that you hear in your heart when you start to lie and says "this is not the truth, this is wrong". This is our internal divinity. It lives in all of us and makes every one of us perfect people even with all our imperfections.