I have a lying problem. I now know and have accepted the fact that it is a real issue. I almost lost my wonderful boyfriend over some pretty silly and some pretty serious lies. Before he helped me to see my problem, I didn't even realize what I was doing. I didn't see it as wrong....it was just what I did. He has helped me in so many ways and has worked through a lot of my demons with me but this lying demon almost took him away. I looked him in the eyes and swore on our relationship...but of course I was lying. When I swore, I got this feeling like...my whole body was hot, I couldn't believe what I was doing, but it was this or dealing with the consequences of my actions. I completely threw all rationality out the window and more importantly I threw out all his trust for me as well. He knows me and knew I was lying...he had proof. At his point I was so disgusted with myself....I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me and he was just done. We were breaking up and all I could think was "I can't imagine my life with out him. He makes me so happy. Why did I do this?" I was losing him. The only thing that brought him back to me was my acceptance to my lying problem. I know I'm not a compulsive liar but when its easier to lie, I do it. I usually lie when I'm scared of dealing with consequences or dealing with my past....and that is where the small lies come into play.
I always knew that the big lies were a problem but it was the little white lies that I never noticed. I'll say I'm leaving the house when I'm just getting dressed or I lie about my feelings so I don't have to deal. I'm fine. I'll say I was only gone fore 20 min when in all reality I was gone for and hour. I get defensive and assume what the other person reactions are going to be. I do this subconsciously and the lies just come out. I know I lie because I'm scared of other peoples reactions or I want to seem more put together than I really am but in all reality I am just a coward. I'm not good a socializing so I will throw in a white lie to make the conversation go more smoothly...less awkward. But I really lie to the people who love me the most because I care the most about what they think about me.
Since I have come to terms with my problem, I have told a few white lies but have really put an effort into being completely honest with my boy friend. I have told him everything and it feels so great! I feel like I have this huge weight lifted off my shoulders. My anxiety has leveled out and I now know I can tell him anything. I realized part of the reason why I lie is because I have made poor life decisions and so I feel the need to lie to him instead of just coming clean and telling him about the battles I have fought. I was so ashamed of the things that I have done that I even lied to myself and shoved it deep down. I know now that I need to tell him about my past and he needs to hear the truth. It will help me to learn from my mistakes and help him understand me better as his partner. He is so strong and I am so grateful to have him. I hurt him badly but he saw past that and used the experience to help me face my scariest demon. I have to completely rebuild a foundation of trust in our relationship and I am willing to do whatever it takes. I am working through my problems and will be going to therapy when I am more financially stable. I never wanted to admit it to myself but I am a liar. The good thing is I don't believe "once a Liar, always a liar" is an accurate statement. I see the paths laid out in front of me and I know which one to take. I'm already at the beginning of the path to honesty and rebuilding my relationship.

Oh and as for the few white lies, I catch myself every time and admit that I am lying and correct myself. I need to work on thinking about what I say before I say it.