Yesterday I read a very short kindle e-book on how to stop lying. Although it was so short that I read it in half an hour, I did find it helpful because it listed the things that make us lie - and although I've read countless things about lying this was short and pithy enough for me to grasp it.

My husband has sent me article after article explaining how lies make him feel, and I would read them and think I got it, but I just went back to feeling sorry for myself because he wasn't acting how I'd like him to act. He would go from being calm and loving to completely withdrawn and cold towards me. I couldn't understand how, when I love him completely, he couldn't trust me or believe me, or accept my love. He told me that he thinks I equate love with sex.

Then I saw it a different way. It's like being in quicksand for him. Every time he thinks he's reached a safe place, he uncovers another lie and, no matter how small it is, it makes him feel that he's sinking, everything is listing to one side, and he's got to fight his way to find another safe spot which, eventually, might do the same thing. If he doesn't fight his way out of it, he just gets sucked under. When he withdraws and won't talk to me or touch me, he's just had to fight his way to another safe place and he's trying to get his balance. Then he starts to feel safe and we engage with each other again, but at the back of his mind is always the fear that another lie will surface - and when it does he's having to fight through the quicksand again and find another safe place.

Since yesterday afternoon, I've just kept thinking "quicksand". If this thought goes through my mind as often as the thought "she's lying" goes through his, then I think I can start to appreciate how he must feel.

Yesterday morning he asked me to think carefully about a way forward that we can take together to fix our relationship and stay together. We've tried many times and he has still said that he wants to fix it. I keep going through options in my mind but I can never seem to find that bright shining light and know that I've got the answer.