I am dealing with something similar. Whats more important to you? Her feelings and having her in your life or the selfish reasons that cause us to lie. Don't risk losing a good woman!!

So like I mentioned yesterday, I have a problem with remembering specifics or even major events of the past... recent or not so recent. This has been intertwined with my habitual lying. I don't think that the two are directly related, but I believe that the selective forgetfulness has allowed me to be free of the guilt and pain of my lies. The problem is that it seems like I have been forgetting more and more in the past few years. For example, as part of our trying to work through my lies, my wife and I agreed two nights ago to call various people I had been to strip clubs with to check to see if I had acted inappropriately... I forgot to do that. I think it was in part due to deciding late at night and I was tired and had a few (3 or 4) drinks that night and in part due to not sleeping well lately. My wife told me that I clearly didn't care enough to remember and that I never intended to contact those people, and that if I can't remember something that important from two nights ago, then there's no way I could possibly not lie on purpose or otherwise.

My self-loathing and anxiety has been peaking the last few days. I don't sleep well, I'm sick to my stomach most of the time. My wife has been telling me that our marriage is hopeless and I am hopeless. I am trying so hard to keep in the present to avoid present lies, but I'm stuck trying to go through the past most of the time to clean up past lies.

Friends, my name is Griffin and I am a liar, but I'm trying to be better.

-Griff

Need:

It's tough, often the reasons are intertwined. She is awesome, she's the best and first thing in my life. We've been together so long that I cannot picture my life without her.

However, I have to fix me for me. I WANT to be better for her, because she, in fact, deserves it. I NEED to be better with or without her because I cannot continue to live my life the selfish, self-centered, and egotistical way that I am.

Griff,

What supports have you surrounded yourself with? We can't do this alone. I have found great supports through my local church group and my therapist. I think you know that getting help now is better than getting help later. Tomorrow is the first step to a better you. Personally, I would stay away from the strip clubs.

Hi Griff,

Reading your story reminds me a lot about my situation. I gotten so use to lying that it became ingrained within me and I never really noticed it. I know what you are going through when you really don't remember something and you honestly try to recall it but you can't. From my experience, a part of it is in the heat of the moment where I get asked a question, "I really don't remember" (the truth) is not good enough, and the woman I love just loathes me. I also know what it is like to have the gut wrenching feeling in your stomach from shame and guilt. I rushed into trying to fix myself overnight and it blew up in my face. I was focusing too much on the "Idea" of getting better and improving rather than the process and the journey of getting better (if that makes any sense).

Like NeedToGrow says, we cannot do this alone and we cannot break bad habits that have been ingrained in us overnight. It takes time and support. First thing you are doing is coming here and it is great. Like NeedToGrow, I would recommend a therapist to help you with your issue and local support groups. I joined a local AA group and it has helped me tremendously. I also want to recommend Brene Brown's book, "The Gifts of Imperfection", which deals alot about shame and guilt and how to transform it into courage, compassion, and connection. Last, see if your wife is willing to do couple's counseling and invite her to the first few sessions with your therapist. It helps to involve your wife and have her be as much a part of the process as you can. I made the mistake of not including my girlfriend so much and it hurt my relationship.

If you need anything, please feel free to send me a message.

Change/Need...

Thanks for the ideas... especially about keeping away from strip clubs ;) I'm done with those forever. Currently my wife and I are seeing a therapist which we see together and independently. I'm looking into seeing a psychiatrist to work on the memory gaps.

It's day three and I do have a small ray of hope for me. This morning I texted a co worker to explain why one of my guys didn't show for a course this morning. I just said some random explanation that would just easily be accepted and was close to the truth. The truth would have only took about two extra sentences, but I didn't even notice what I was doing. Immediately after I sent the text, I left the building. I made it to the parking lot when I realized that I had just lied. I turned around and texted my buddy explaining that what I said wasn't correct and the actual reason.

Truth often takes time I guess. It's even harder trying to fix my messed up brain, save a marriage, work on my degree, and work ~50 hrs a week.

Unfortunately my marriage told a turn for the worst today. My wife told me that she will no longer check my phone, emails, go with me on short trips... because she finally truly given up on rebuilding our trust and has given up on us. I had everything anyone could want and much more I had the girl of my dreams and I drove her away. My lies drove her away. I tricked her by lying into staying as long as she did. Recent efforts have been as much as I could muster but it was too late... my actions have killed us.

I'm Griff and I am a liar. It's day three of honesty.