I lie. About a lot. Usually it’s to blunt what I feel would be a harsh comment (typing that just FEELS like a lie - makes me think that maybe it isn’t fully truthful but I’m going to keep it in this post). Sometimes it’s to dodge the shame of the truth - admitting failure or being insufficient at something I’ve left undone or have not started, or something I screwed up and haven’t fixed yet / ever. Almost always, it’s a snap decision to just blurt out the first thing that has a hint of plausibility in my flawed brain. After that, it’s a tap dance to doom. The lie might be discovered quick (“Yes, the dishwasher was run”), or might be a few days to finally see (“The order was placed so should be here in a couple days”), but it never remains hidden. What bothers me most is that I KNOW this. I KNOW there’s no point to it and I will regret doing so. I do it anyway.

I messed up my marriage with this before we even said “I do”. Since these things have worn on her year after year, her patience has rightly worn away. As I have tried to be truthful in all things with my wife, though, I ultimately reap what I sow; after all my lies, anything I claim now is met with suspicion and not actual belief without verification. I did this to myself. I have learned that there is no timeline that exists as a finish line to look forward to, which is supremely depressing. There is no date on a calendar that when I get to without a lie I can say, “YES! I’m trustworthy again!” It is Sisyphus, but with ego and narcissism. I push truth and trustworthiness up and up, until the lie casts me to the bottom of the hill again.

But she is worth it though, so I work again. My self-imposed barrier (well, one I suppose) has been my inability to follow through and schedule therapy on this, among a ton of other things. Another: My wife suspects ADD/ADHD or the Autism Spectrum are in play here too, which is another vector I haven’t actively looked to confirm with testing/evaluation. That’s no cause or reason for my lying though. I realize I need to know about myself more in order to progress to the man she deserves. I hope to be worthy.