Liars Anonymous Community Group
A support group to provide those with a compulsive addiction to lie a place to share hope, strength and courage with others like them; solve our common problem and help others with a compulsion to lie. We aren't alone!
Hi everyone, I'm new here as well and I've been lying or fudging the truth for so long that I'm not even sure which is which sometimes. I don't even know what to say here or where to start because it feels like nothing I say will matter, so it all feel like lies. I've lied to partner about my sexual history with one of my friends, lied to her about how I'm feeling in certain moments, told her her feelings .after to me when in my mind I didn't care either way. I think my partner is amazing and I love her and don't want to see her hurt, except we're in quarantine and I've been doing nothing but hurting her with my lying. And then defending my lying and diminishing her feelings. I wish all my friends well and then think "I don't care" as I smile enthusiastically at them. This is just the start. I don't want to lie anymore, but it's served me so well up to this point and most of the lies I've told end up causing no harm that I feel nihilistic about it all. I don't know what to do.
Welcome to the group - do not feel that you are alone in this matter. Lying is a horrid addiction/demon that we deal with. But you have made the first major step in admitting to the fact out-loud and that you want to fix it. I too have been lying since I was a kid and I have come up with as many different reasons and excuses for it, and at times had gotten to a point where I could not tell the difference between the truth or a lie. After my last 'infraction' I'll call it, it almost cost me my marriage which is why I finally joined this group. It's a place without prejudice, no one will look down on you. I pray every day, write in a journal, and also look myself in the mirror every morning and ask myself, if I lie today who will I hurt? Just take it one day at a time, feel free to send a message if you want to talk more. Stay strong!
I'm new to the group too and appreciate how difficult it is to admit that lying is a problem. I know it's hard not to think that lying has served you well. I've thought that for the best part of 35 years, but I found out the hard way that it really doesn't. Getting away with a lie often feels like you've dodged a bullet and the relief of avoiding difficult conversations or situations is seductive, especially when it appears to work. The problem is that at some point the universe will pay you back with interest.
I've read a lot about lying in an attempt to better understand why I do it and where it comes from. The mantra I've started to use is to take the hard-easy option and not easy-hard option. By that I mean by doing the hard thing first (being truthful) life gets easier. Lying first is the easy option (for those of use who suffer from it). The hard part is when we're found out. It sounds as though you, like me, have found that the hard then becomes a thousand times harder. There is nothing worse, especially when its the people we love that get hurt.
Trust is hard to earn, but easy to lose. It's why admitting you’re a liar and wanting to do something about it feels so daunting. We're giving up our safety blanket and lowering our defences. I really hope that you find a way through this that allows you to achieve your best self. If you'd like some book recommendations let me know. I know its not everyone’s bag but there are some I've found useful and have given me a better understanding of myself. I've found that to be a good start in recognising why I lie. Best of luck.
Daring Greatly - How the courage to be vulnerable transforms the way we live, love parent and lead - by Brene Brown. I found this to be really helpful in starting to understand (and forgive) myself. It's helped me to see where the insecurities I have come from. Insecurity in one form or another has certainly fed my lying behaviours.
Intergrity - the courage to meet the demands of reality - by Dr Henry Cloud. Don't be put off by the success in business banner. There are lots of aspects of this that translate into everyday life as well as work. I've come to see that integrity is fundamental in empowering me to do the right thing.
Both can be difficult reads at times. They've both made me break down in tears, but I see that as a good thing because I know the truth is hitting home. I hope they can help you too.