Liars Anonymous Community Group
A support group to provide those with a compulsive addiction to lie a place to share hope, strength and courage with others like them; solve our common problem and help others with a compulsion to lie. We aren't alone!
I cheated on my partner and lied to her for the duration of our relationship, about 11 months ago everything started to come out. For a long time at the beginning of this process I was in denial about my issues and this came with a lot of controlling the narrative, damage control, trickle truth and straight up lying. I'm ashamed that my loving partner has been the driving force to my growth and progression out of denial. I still struggle with putting my fear of losing the relationship first and have recently lied, over a relatively small thing (as said by my partner), when pressed I corrected this but not after holding onto this lie for a couple of weeks.
In the moment when I lie I am ashamed of the real answer and fear my partners reaction, will she judge? Will she leave? Even when she has given me no reason to doubt her commitment to this and handles the truth well. It is lying that truly hurts her and, understandably, prevents us from healing, putting our progress back to square one or worse than when we started. Despite knowing this deep down, I'm still finding myself making the selfish decision to lie at times.
Our recovery has taken a complete nosedive because of this lie and the fact that I can still lie to her after everything. Something has snapped in our relationship feels different, she said it feels like hope has died. I thought i had experienced rock bottom but this feels worse and more isolating than ever.
After speaking with my group leader I understand that I need to stop trying to save the relationship and put honesty above all else. I am worried though, as I feel I have had this realisation before and genuinely no longer trust myself going forward.
So I am attempting to reach out and become more involved in different communities and support groups, to help keep myself accountable. I understand my behaviour is wrong, I am deeply ashamed and feel so horrible and guilty for the harm and pain I continue to put my partner through as I attempt to grow. I am seeking help through therapy and trying to get involved in a 12 step programme.
Does anyone have any suggestions, insight or experience of this? Any replies are appreciated.
All I can say is that what's helped me is to try and identify where my lying comes from. Recognising my triggers has been key in trying to address my negative behaviours.
I still fail at times but I have to accept that failure is part of the process. If I fail I have to find the courage to own it and talk it through with my wife. I'm fortunate that after everything she's still willing to help and stick with me.
It's clear you're self awareness is developing. Don't be too hard on yourself. Shame is the fuel that feeds our lying. If we can conquer that we can conquer the lying.
Jaimoe0 is right you have to want to do this for yourself though.. I found that prioritising doing it purely for the sake of my relationship only made the guilt worse when I slipped up. I found it to be massively counter productive and it severely affected my mental health.
I know we can beat this, but we have to accept it will take time. I truly hope that both my marriage and your relationship can survive the process but I also know we can't make that the only success criteria. That sort of pressure isn't helpful or healthy for anyone struggling to come to terms with feeling good enough about themselves to be accepting of their own imperfections.
Above all I believe we have to find the courage to be vulnerable, and that means being honest to those around us.. I've spent a lifetime avoiding doing it but I now know it's the only way to turn my life around.
My thoughts and best wishes are with you. Stay strong and keep going