I've never been part of any sort of support group - ever anywhere.  But I've been lying - about just about everything but mosty money (to my wife and kids) for as long as I can remember.  Mostly it's to make myself look better - or feel better; and I think mostly to avoid confrontation.  I tell people what I think they want to hear - and when my wife wants to hear we were making progress on paying off debt that's what I told her.  I know I need help, but I'm broke and can't afford a psychologist...even though I've studied a lot of it myself I don't seem to be able to help myself.  I lie about stupid things, too - but it's mostly to avoid confrontation; so I'll tell people I emailed a report that I didn't write and that it must have gotten lost somehow, or that there's a problem with the internet or whatever.  I tell my family we could afford to go buy lunch at a restaurant again - when we really can't.  Things like that.  I sit down and tell my wife and give her numbers making it look like we're fine financially but we're really not.  

Two days ago - I told my wife and my kids what I've been doing.  I believe that it was mostly because I feel remorse and want to make things right - but my wife is sure it's just because we're at a dead end and I couldn't think of how to get out of it.  [I had already come up with a couple of ways to postpone the inevitable, so I am pretty sure that it's a doing right sort of thing.]  Perhaps worst of all  - I am a pastor of a church (that's how I make my living) - and while I haven't been stealing from the church or anything...I feel horrible.  I've slept the last two nights in the home office, and I have been told that I will do exactly as my wife says in order to get the money on track - I was hoping that she would see my remorse and my desire to make things right and we could work together, but that's not what she wants right now.  After we get untangled, she said that we would see if we could stay together - she says that 20 years of marriage has been a sham.  I'm not sure I would agree, but I know that I have been a sham - which is really close to the same thing.  

I found this group online after looking at several other things - debtors anonymous (which profile I mostly fit as well), but I think that it is the lies that I really need help with.  Even now, after coming clean - I feel the desire to lie; about dumb things like why it took me so long to get home yesterday...I think that I have lying addiction.  I also know that I test very high on the narcissism scale, and I don't want to try to make an excuse for my horrible behavior.  I feel like I am a horrible human being and deserve nothing more than condemnation.  I'm reading more about lying addiction - and I am wondering (maybe even hoping!) that I DO have that.  

So...there's my thing.  Thanks for reading.