I'm in that place as well. I know I'm capable of committing to my husband, and I think I'm capable of change, but my "what if" is whether he will ever trust me again and whether I can be strong if he can't.

In some ways I work through it by avoiding the question - I put my head down and charge at the brick walls. I try to ignore the fact that I may not be capable and I just keep trying.

I understand. My "what if" right now is what if I'm not good enough for my fiancee. I feel like I'm dragging her down. I have to remind myself that I am a good person, it's the habit that is npt.

Shame versus guilt? Shame says I am a bad person; guilt says I did a bad thing. Continue to focus on you and a daily commitment to being true. This may mean that others won't approve of how you feel. But if it is authentic to you don't suppress it. Over and over we see in these post that in the end truth never hurt others the way we perceived it might. Changing coping mechanisms is hard. Being truthful can cause your partner momentary sense of being angry but they get over that unlike forgiving a lie!!

I keep hearing that "Shame vs Guilt" a lot. And I get it, I really do. But I can't get over the fear that I did a lot of bad things BECAUSE I am a bad person. I gotta say, I certainly don't feel like a good person who's done bad things.

I always understood shame and guilt to be the same thing. But then I had some therapy and the therapy explained that guilt is what you feel about what you did, but shame is what you feel when others know what you did. Whatever the distinction, neither is a healthy way to feel, but then again if they were good feelings then we would be far more tempted to do more bad things. If you keep honest then you won't feel either.
I had a long talk with my husband last night about things that I have felt shame/guilt for in my past - long before I met him. I was never able to be honest with him because of the bad feelings and the thoughts that I was a bad person because of the things that I did (they were all about having sex when I was a teenager and in my early twenties). This morning I feel so much better - he listened for hours to me, and then every time I got upset he told me that it's OK, what I did wasn't wrong, it was normal and natural and it was before he and I met. Acceptance from him about those things means so much and made me understand I wasn't a bad person for doing those things. It made me feel stronger, and we are going to talk again tonight.
Everyone has flaws, and we wll make mistakes. The difference is about accepting your flaws and realising what your mistakes were, accepting them, admitting them, and not repeating them.
You can't be such a bad person if you're in this group - you wouldn't be here if you weren't facing up to things and wanting to sort yourself out.

Thank you all. I have to admit - and it's hard to because it sounds so trivial writing the words - but my biggest fear is to be embarrased. I live with shame and guilt all the time, but it's the embarrassment - that stinging feeling in my cheeks, the short breath, the sinking feeling in my stomach - that's where I trip up. In my relationship, whenever I get caught in a lie and I get through the embarrassment (and I mean get through it, with my resistance: denial, justifying, minimizing, just me generally being a jerk) then my wife and I talk openly about my shame and guilt, and it's these moments when I feel loved, when I feel forgiven

I see the moment of embarrassment, that slapped in the face feeling, as the moment of fear, the trigger for fight or flight, and the lying as the instant, easy reaction to it. With me, once I lie, I'm all in - because whatever I did that was embarrassing, with the lie I up the ante by an order of magnitude.

So what I need to do is to identify those embarrassing things and take them to my wife BEFORE she discovers them and BEFORE a small problem balloons into a big one. When I think of conversations where I say "I'm really ashamed about" or "I feel really guilty about..." Those are nothingness compared to my saying "this is really embarrassing, but I just..."

Those are the conversations I need to find the courage to have. It's kind of embarrassing to admit that!

I just hope you all realize that if you have a husband or wife or significant other that supports you through this lying phase of your life, and is still behind you supporting you as best as they can, you are truly honestly LOVED.

Not many people can have someone that loves them THAT much.

Most people would run from someone who has an "addiction" or "bad habit" like lying. You are all able to commit --if you want to. If you can accept the love that your partner gives you and see that they love you unconditionally (or else they would have left along time ago)... you will be able to see a brighter side. You are all worth loving and all capable of being honest with yourself and therefore being honest with others.

@nomore27 each time you experience that feeling of embarrassment, it will get easier. Just trust within yourself that it is easier to be honest than to lie because the truth always comes out. The more you feel the embarrassment symptoms (stinging cheeks, short breath) and you feel them, accept them , and let the truth take over, those feelings will subside over time and before you know it they will go away and it will get easier to tell the truth each time!!

"Those who truly love you will love you for the truth no matter what it is and will only be pushed away by the lies and exaggerations"

I hope you all find strength and courage and self-love.

I feel all of you. It's very difficult to admit your problem (to yourself).. Then, it's humiliating to discuss or to seek help.
I have (or possibly had) the most awesome man. He's brilliant, hilarious (NO ONE makes me laugh like he does), generous, and gorgeous. He is not perfect. He's made it difficult to be honest with him because he gets so angry and shuts down, but he doesn't deserve to be lied to.
I don't ALWAYS lie, but I lie way more than I should, especially if I screw up, even if it's little one. What's odd, is that I don't do this professionally (where one could argue I would lose a lot more and more easily even with simple screw ups)... but I have never been afraid to be jobless because I can always find another.
I also lie by omission a lot.
I need to stop being afraid and getting so damned nervous when I mess up. I am not afraid of confrontation, so I really don't understand it (any ideas here would be appreciated).

I am Katherine. I am a liar.

To add to that, recently, I committed adultery. What made it worse was the lying and "trickling truth". I don't know if he can ever trust me again, but I am willing to work on it.
He recently texted be that Henry Rollins' song Liar is our new song. It's kind of a funny song, but that was tremendously hurtful... kinda accurate... but hurtful.
I want to get his trust back, and I will fight to do so.

So, step one. admitting there is a problem.

Kat, I have been in the same position as you and it is slowly coming right again. I think I'm probably a lot like you. My husband is brilliant, funny, not perfect and also gets angry about some things which has made it difficult at times to open up to him. Last week we were in the worst place we've ever been, but he listened to me and just let me talk. The more he listened, the more I talked, and things that we have never discussed before came out into the open. To date, since this time last week, we've spent over 30 hours talking. We've drunk quite a lot of red wine during the talks - it does help to relax. We lie each end of the bed facing each other - he puts his pillows against the foot of the bed. It feels a little like therapy but without the therapist. I went back to my very earliest things that I remembered feeling guilt about, and we've just been slowly picking things apart and discussing them. I'm 46 now and last night we were talking about when we first got together - I was 23 and he was 15 months younger.
I can really recommend trying this. We've struggled for over a year and we both feel closer to each other than we have for a long time.

Hi Katherine, I'm John, I can totally relate about work. I don't lie at work - if there is a problem on one of my projects, my boss is going to hear it from me first, even if - especially if - it's my own fault. I think it's because there's a workplace ethic to avoid the emotional. You are supposed to leave your personal life at the door and get the job done. There's no intamacy - there's not supposed to be any.

Coming back to fear - I think on some level all us liars are afraid of intimacy and emotional commitment. I know I am. I know that when I lie I am driving a wedge between me and my wife - I have to believe that's a big part of why I do it. To drive the wedge - to thwart intamacy.

Thanks for posting - I'm getting a lot out of reading people's stories - I know I'm not alone! I'm not the only one frustrated with themselves and doing this nonsense and struggling to find the answers. How much better would life be if you had no trouble lying to your boss but told your spouse EVERYTHING just because you wanted to - because you couldn't imagine not. That would be a good life! (Except the long to your boss part - professional integrity rocks)

Lucy - God bless you! It sounds like you are starting down an awesome path! I'm praying for you for strength to keep up those late night conversation past the point of intense conversation and well into "normal time"! You inspired me - right after our last big fight my wife and I would take long walks and talk and talk - I've let that slide, and I promised my wife I wouldn't. I'm going to do it tonight - bring something up and just live with being in trouble for not bringing stuff up! Thank you and good work!

Thank you Lucy. That's very helpful. We have done sort of similar things, but not that exact technique. I will recommend it.
We are in a really rocky spot, but we love each other and I know that we can work through this. At one point, I was an awesome wife/partner. I know that I can be again.
I just have to learn not to put the defenses up and to trust him not to be angry or pull away from me (permanently) for the things that I say.
Thank you for the encouragement!

nomore27, It's glad to know that I'm not the only one with the work separation. I think that you are right. You are supposed to be cold hard math there, not personal, so it's easier.
Thank you for your support!

Congrats on your progress with your wife too!!!
(And to you Lucy!)