Liars Anonymous Community Group
A support group to provide those with a compulsive addiction to lie a place to share hope, strength and courage with others like them; solve our common problem and help others with a compulsion to lie. We aren't alone!
About a month ago I found out my fiance has been lying to me about some very significant things throughout our 14 month relationship. It has caused me to doubt every single thing he has ever told me. Although he has begun counseling for this and has joined a Liars Anonymous group I am still damaged by all of this and left wondering what I can believe and what I can't believe. I do realize that there are events in his life that have caused him to feel like he needs to lie about himself which is why I am struggling so hard to give him the chance I feel he deserves.
If this had been the first person who had lied to me so severely then I probably would be okay, however I have past damage from prior relationships with liars that has me doubting my own judgement skills.
I feel betrayed. The anger and resentment that I feel flare up in spurts, kind of like a tea kettle whistling when it has built up too much pressure. I am generally a very loving, kind, compassionate person, but this anger is making me a person that I don't even recognize. I also feel like this anger is causing damage to his progress.
How do I repair? Any advice from the group?
Don't give up on his as long as you can tell he is trying to mend his ways. This is not meant to excuse his actions or say that lying is acceptable. Our partners in life deserve more than someone who is available. They deserve our utmost respect and honesty. I struggled with that for many years and for many reasons. And while my original reasons were meant as a justification, the main reasons I lied were a matter of protecting my self image and my own feelings of self worth. They came from a prideful place that required me to fall (and fall again many times) to a place of despair where lying became my only way out.
Through tough love from my family, I work on a daily basis to be a better and more honest man. I can tell you this...the work should be his and not yours. You need to see the proof that he is being honest and that the work is indeed being done. But he needs to push himself to correct this issue. You need to be a safe landing spot but you cannot fix him. Only he can do that.
I am by no means a counselor and I dont understand the human soul as much as I should...but I understand me and what it means for me to be honest. I also know, in full transparency, that I will fail. The temptation is too great. But, I am improving day by day. I am a better person for working on me being a better father, husband, friend to those around me.