Through self-reflection and asking myself tough questions like: Why do i lie? why do i snoop and then lie about it? when did i learn this habit? I've always known it was wrong, even when the lie was coming out of my mouth, i knew it was wrong, I wanted myself to stop and hated myself afterwards.

Back story: When did i learn this habit?

When I was a child about 6, I remember my sister (who's 5 years older) bringing me to my parent's bedroom closet, and showing me what she had found in my father's secret hiding space: dirty mags. She showed them to me, I had no interest in them but she was my older sister (my idol) and we were being “spies”, and she told me I had to. She told me we had to place everything back as we found it or dad would know “we" went through his stuff. That I couldn't tell dad or he'd punish me.

I lied to save myself from being punished.

When my sister started dating boys, they would call; she’d get me to answer and tell them things she had written down for me to say. or simply “she wasn’t home”.

She would hang out with them after school to make out. My younger brother and I would have to wait until she was ready to take us home. She’d tell me that not tell dad, and that if he asked why were were so late to tell him: I had detention.

I lied to be a good sister, I lied to protect her.

I used to be “disciplined” a lot. I’d be playing, all of a sudden one of my parents would come in and start hitting, yelling at me for no reason. I’ve often wondered what for? I told the truth, that i did not know what they were asking me about or I didn’t do it (and that was the truth), and I still got a lashing.

I would be punished for things I didn’t do.
I was being punished for telling the truth.

In 5th grade, I remember playing in the school playground waiting for my sister to come pick me (she was in high school by now). When one of my classmate shouted at me to go to the principal’s office, that my sister was there with a cop! The police officer took us (my sister, myself and our younger brother) to the station. We waited there until we saw our dad being walked in with handcuffs! After a long while, a police officer said he’d drive us home, I asked why my sister wasn’t coming with us and they said she was going to a foster home. When we arrive in front of our apartment building, the Officer told my father to go in first, then turned around to us and explained what was happening. He asked if there was anything we wanted to share, if our dad had ever hurt us in anyway. I squeezed my brother’s hand as a signal and said "no, never".

I was protecting my father; I knew that he was already in trouble, why make things worst for him.
I lied and I justified it.

Adulthood: I’m a liar:

I’ve lied to my bosses about being sick, why i was late. I’ve logged in more time then I worked just to earn a few extra bucks or when i wasn’t being productive. I lied to my friends and bailed on them because I wanted to hang out with my boyfriend, or with my ex whom they didn’t like. I lied about why i didn’t call or didn’t show up.

I was cheated on and therefore mistrusted my partners. I would “snoop” and lie about it, check their messages, emails. I would confirm my suspicions and have them lie to me when i confronted them about it.
I didn’t feel secure in my relationship and would delete messages from ex-girlfriends or people I didn’t feel was “right” for him to speak to. I blocked the woman he had a one-night stand with and deleted her messages from his phone – even though we had broken up, i justified it because we were still “seeing each other". I tried to control my relationships.

I was spiralling out of control and I knew it. I hated it and myself for it and I wanted to get caught - i did.
I’m not making excuses. I own my mistakes, lies, and guilt. I own my lying. I don’t blame ex-lovers, my sister, my father or anyone but myself. I am a grown woman and I know what’s right from wrong.

I lie to control a situation.

After reading "Letting Go", it prompted me to write this.

Thank you so much for this. I am learning to let go. I can’t control the things around me, I can only be me. Who am I is determined by what I do in every situation, I am cognitive about that more than ever.

I understand and accept that people I’ve lied to may not believe me now, even when I’m being truthful. It’s ok and as it should be, I empathize with them, for the pain I’ve caused.

I accept the situation that my ex, and the love of my life, has re-friended all his exes, and the woman he had a one-night stand with. It is not in my control. I should I care about what they think of me nor should I care what others do.

With time, being honest and truthful to everyone, especially myself, letting go of control, I know I can be kind to myself again and hopefully repair relationships that I hold dearly.

Thank you for this.