Hi all, sorry I've been gone so long. I think this is the first time I've been absent for a stint from the community for negative reasons. Usually when I'm gone for a bit it's because things are really good. I've just been so busy caught up in life with a toddler and trying to navigate my relationship with my husband in sometimes muddy waters from the effects of having a toddler. It's tough. Tougher than I ever thought it would be.

I just wanted to post on here tonight because I feel like I need to get this out of my system before I let it fester too much. I miss lying today. I've done so well the last 6 years and am usually proud of myself each time I catch myself falling into old habits, but tonight I miss my lying days. I miss how easy it was to avoid the truth and how easy it was to live in denial. At least in the short term. I don't have much in the short term to deflect my old habits too because along with my lying I gave up smoking and drinking and casual sex, and anything else that I might use to alter my mood or use to escape reality. So at the end of a really hard day, all I have left to deal with is myself and my own emotions.

And today, just for today, I'm tired of my emotions and I don't want to deal with them. I wish I had some way to escape reality right now and not be so sober and aware of myself that I know I have to make the right choice to be honest. It puts it back into perspective for me about why it was so hard to let go of my lying habit. What an awesome comfort blanket it was to protect me against the hard reality that is life. While I miss my blankie, I also know that I'm not a child anymore, and that I've grown into a responsible, autonomous, and brave human being, and I have to remind myself of that every day. Especially on the hard days.

Thanks for listening :)