Hey Mitch,

Thanks for sharing. I can totally relate. My wife can be a control freak who explodes over little things like what I had for lunch or what movie I watched last night. It usually seems easier to just lie about it than face her wrath and the humiliation of being scolded for something any grown man or woman should have the freedom to do.

Lying becomes a habit. I sometimes even lie to her when it would make more sense to the truth!

The problem with lying, is primarily that it's not being true to myself. When I lie, I disrespect myself.

Just for today I think I'll choose to respect myself and tell my wife the truth, no matter how much she pisses herself off about it. I can change my behavior but I can't change how she responds.

Good luck!
Ryan

Good insight. You can't change anyone's behavour but your own.

The serenity prayer, whether you're religious or not, holds true: changing what you can change, and accepting what you can't. And accepting hardships as the pathway to peace.

The last part is what has always eluded me. I didn't want the hardships. I wanted the easy way. But like you said in another post, you are going to be firm in telling the truth no matter what the consequences are, no matter the hardhship.

In the past I would have said, "Ryan, my wife is exactly like yours." But now I realized that my wife is what I made her out to be. Today, I'm honest about what I had for lunch, and what movie I saw last night when she was out (those examples you cited are exactly mine too), and she gets mad. But only for a second, right? I can take that. I don't know why I couldn't before. And it's those little things that are making big strides in our relationship.

Don't get me wrong... I still stumble. I probably will for the rest of my life. And that's probably okay, too.

John

Wow, Ryan, I think those exact same things about my husband!! But then at the same time, John is also right that I have made him into who is, however, I also struggle with the fact that I am to accept responsibility for my actions, behaviors and lies. I am to no longer blame my issues on anyone else, I'm a grown adult and no matter what has happened in my past I make my own decisions. I think this is true of our spouses also. While the lies have created massive, huge, nuclear problems, my husbands reactions, anger, stress, etc. are still his responsibility. My counselor just told me that no one should have the power to make you angry, stressed or sad. We have to take responsibility for our own actions and feelings, as should our spouses. It just gets hard and makes recovery hard when your spouse simply says "its your fault I'm this way and deal with it." It makes me feel like I'm having to fix myself and him, and it's very defeating.

colo39... the whole "you did this" thing is really hard to take, but at the same time is teaching me patience and kindness.

My ego definitely wants to blame my dishonesty on my wife's controlling, nagging behavior. But if I were more trustworthy, I'm pretty sure she would be less controlling. What good is assigning blame anyway?

Remembering that I'm only responsible for my own behavior and emotions is really helpful.

Well anyway, I'm feeling pretty miserable right now. My wife just called me an idiot and a psychopath (hey, at least she's talking to me again, right?) and I'm tempted to believe her. I need to spend some time today reminding myself what's true: These shitty feelings will pass. Trust can and will be rebuilt one day at a time. I'm not an idiot or a psychopath.

Peace everyone. Thanks for your support.

Ryan

I also think that some women are controlling by nature. Maybe the dishonesty adds to the fact, but I can relate from my ex.

I must say that I am living the same as all of you. I do believe that our lies are what creates the mistrust and that not lying will slowly lead to that changing. I sometimes feel like if I lie and hide it that maybe she won't find out and it will avoid an argument. I need to realize that she always finds out and is twice as mad after as she is when I tell her things in advance. It's just not alwasys easy to be honest. Why is that?

I agree with you guys, I know deep down that the truth would cause less headaches or only brief anger and not a night of fighting. Yet when questioned about something i havn't done,i automaticly go to lying and go into defense mode. Causing a loss of trust from my wife. Also like you capo, my wife always ends up finding out and getting twice as a mad. I never have a good answer for why i've lied instead of just telling the truth,And not just an answer for her. Right now i cant even answer that question myself. so same as Capo is asking, Why?

We lie out of fear. Fear of rejection, fear of judgement, fear of loss of control, fear of not being perfect, fear of abandonment, fear of perceived hurt of another's feelings leading to all the prior mentioned fears. How to stop is the better question. It has been a learned defense mechanism that is hard to shed. You have to change the way you think and behave. Lies or misconceptions serve no purpose. It is absolutely fine to be your proverbial authentic self. It doesn't matter what others judge you if you are truly living the truth. That means in all your thoughts and behaviors I think. You can have opinions and ego along with humility and honesty. You cannot live in your past once you walk down this road. Your past is the wake behind the boat. It does not drive the boat. You do. You decide where you want to go from here. And you can blame no one for the decisions made that got you here today. All those experiences have made you who you are now and were necessary. One day at a time. Commiting is the first step.

I can relate to this thread. I have lied repeatedly to my girlfriend about looking at porn and masturbating behind her back. She even told me she doesn't care if I touch myself (as long as I'm not looking at porn while I do it) and yet I still lied to her about it. I don't look at porn anymore and it feels really good to say that. However, I was so scared that her telling me it was 'ok' was some kind of trap, and really that was all in my head. Had I just been honest and told her that yes, sometimes I do it still, things would be much better. I absolutely lie because I am afraid of confrontation, afraid of incurring her judgement or outbursts. But the outbursts when she finds out I've been lying are 10x worse.