hi I'm Antonia. I am a liar and a klepto. I don't know why or how this began but it started when I was a kid. One of the early lies I can remember was in junior high I told some girls that I was dying, possibly for attention. I remember being brought to the guidance counselor and my mom and admitting to the lie. I think I did good for years after that I don't quite remember lying throughout high school until I met my boyfriend at the time. I lied about my age, I was 17 but I said I was 18 and he was 16 years older. Then I began lying to my family about his age, I stopped going to college a little while later and began lying to my family about that too until I got caught. I had no impulse control and I had an enabler someone who was ok with it, my boyfriend at the time he was an addict and   He would lie and steal all the time. He would always accept the fact that I lied.  Later on in the relationship I found out he was cheating on me, and instead of confronting him about it I faked a pregnancy and the miscarriage.  He normally dealt with his addictions, he was a compulsive gambler. He was also an alcoholic and drug abuser. I would always lie to him because he had control of my life, and  I knew that if I didn't follow his rules I would get hurt. He was very abusive towards me, so instead of me being confronted with things he didn't like, for instance like going out with my friends, or hanging out with people without him  I would lie. It became so easy. After a while he owed so much money and got into so much debt, that all the money I was making, and I was working seven days a week, was going to him. I could not keep anything on my own, because  he would take it. I was stupid, I did anything he told me to, and I supported him. The relationship was very abusive, and the only times he was great to me was when I gave him money and paid his bills.  I begin stealing money and jewelry for my family and lying about it, because in my head I kept thinking that they were like loans, and I was going to give everything back, and get everything back and that I wouldn't get caught and that everyone would be happy.  I did a lot of things to my family that I regret. I especially took advantage of my mom who loves me dearly, and my sister, who was always on to me, but always gave me another chance, as well as her husband. after eight years of a bad relationship and constant lies and Shame and abuse physical and mental, my boyfriend overdosed and died. I think right after that I had decided that I would try to get my life together. I was doing well, and I had my life in somewhat of an order last year.  I had gotten caught a couple years ago, when I pawned one of my family members bracelets.  It was around a time I had gotten laid off of work, and I didn't want anyone to know. And my messed up mind, I thought that maybe if I pawned some jewelry and made the money now, I would be able to pay it back and replace it in time so they wouldn't find out.  I wasn't able to keep up with the payments and therefore I lost the jewelry and that is how I got caught. I began to straighten out my life I started working again saving money paying bills, and then finally decided it was time to move out of my home and be a grown-up. I moved in  to a house with three other girls, everything was going great, and then one of the girls got into a very big fight with a cousin of mine, my cousin punched her and I had to move out. I was stuck with the lease on my name and overwhelming debt  that I needed to find a way to pay off. I worked hard and I was paying whatever I can, and doing well but then the taxes and the bills that I hadn't paid in the past came back to haunt me and I fell into bigger financial debt. I was now living alone  and unable to afford it because of all the debt i was in.  I was working seven days a week trying to make ends meet,  but I was ashamed to ask for help, and ashamed to let my family know the situation I was in. I felt that they would judge me  I felt that they would say they were very disappointed in me. I fell into a very deep hole, and did not ask for help getting out of it. Instead I did the same thing I did in the past. I stole and pawned jewelry thinking I'd be able to get it back in time and then would find out.  The meantime everything I would tell my family was lies. I had to create lies and keep up with the lies to cover up exactly how I was doing. No one could know I was struggling, no one could know that I was in such a bad place, because prior to this situation I was in a great place. All I wanted to do was move on and make ends meet with my family, but like compulsiveness to lie  and cover it up destroyed me. I did this to my family and destroy the relationship I have with my sister. For some reason, my mom still speaks to me. I'm not completely crazy, I am able to hold a job  and I am able to make money, I just have not been able to control my life, and catch up on all my debts. And it's not only that I lied about a lot of things in my life. Still when I meet people I even sometimes lie about my name and where I'm from.  I need help getting through this, I understand this is all me. I also understand that I am viewing this as a victim, but I am not a victim I am the perpetrator. I need help getting my life straightened up and I think the first step  is stopping the lies. A lot of this has led from finances, and the funny part is is that all the money I've ever made never really went to me I always put something for someone or paid something for someone or length someone money, I  I am compulsive in my spending and my lying and stealing. I am so lucky that I have a family that cares so much about me that they have not gotten me in trouble because the way I was going, I could have ended up in jail.  I need to be honest with myself and I need help. I get so frustrated sometimes because I want things instantly. I need to work on my patients because I expect things to be done right away and when I can't find what I need especially when it comes to me asking for help I shut down and go back to my same Old habits.  I feel like the world is falling down on me, and I know that I caused it but I can't help feeling helpless. I want to stop this I don't know where to go or what to do so I came here. Today I tried calling this 24 hour line that  can you get me a referral to a psychiatrist who can help, but no one picked up the phone. I am not suicidal, I want to live my life. I want to find someone to love me, I want to find someone to have children with, I want  be a normal person. Can anyone relate to me, am I this really bad person? How do I fix this? I am a horrible person, and I don't know if I can ever atoned for the things that I've done, but I am willing to try.