I have been in a relationship for over 3 years to a man that I love unconditionally. Our relationship is far from perfect. Our communication is far from perfect. He is a recovering addict. And I have lied to him on more than one occasion causing him heart break, pain and relapse. I had a male friend that I kept secret our entire relationship because I was afraid of my partners reaction and jealousy towards it. I made a fake Facebook account. Deleted texts. Anything to keep the friend from him. Knowing it was wrong and it could hurt our relationship. But I chose to keep doing it. And not come clean. Then a year into our relationship he became unhappy and relapsed and started drinking and we separated. I told him I’d wait for him which I truly meant. Then I ended up sleeping with a man for a few weeks before my partner wanted to fix our relationship. He fessed up that he slept with someone else. And I did not come clean, at first. Then I got the courage to tell him I slept with someone too. After we slept together. He then told me he slept with 6 girls. And he demanded to know all the details of my encounters. Which I purposely kept lying to him because I knew details would hurt him and we were not together. He was asking me the questions to see if I could tell the truth. Which I was too afraid to tell the whole truth. Because every time something came out it hurt him more and he became more angry with me. Which caused me to not want to tell the truth. Fast forward a little bit. I finally told him about the guy friend and the fake Facebook and everything. Which he then assumed I must have been sleeping with the guy to have been hiding it  so well and for so long. But I truly was not. Fast forward alittle more. He left me again and pushed me to move on. I met another man and slept with him. And chose not to tell my ex partner as he asked me if I was seeing anyone. Even though he kept telling me to move on without him. But then he wanted to get back together. So he came clean about cheating in our relationship. Which I’ve never physically cheated (I didn’t think the guy friend was cheating but he considers that mentally cheating) in our relationship. So I decided since we were starting over with a clean slate that I would tell him about this last guy even though we were not together. He then wanted details again. Which I didn’t not want to give. They were not his business. But he kept pushing so I slowly gave him alittle info at a time. Which I lied to him over and over. Ive lied about small things even. Like if I wear my ring every day. I had no reason to lie about it. But I did. What is wrong with me? Why can’t I just tell the whole truth up front the first time asked? Why can’t I put my fear aside and put his needs first before mine? Can anyone help me with some things to do to help me in this situation? I want to be the best woman for him. I don’t want to be a liar! It is not who I am as a person. I know I am better than this!! Please help me!