Liars Anonymous Community Group

A support group to provide those with a compulsive addiction to lie a place to share hope, strength and courage with others like them; solve our common problem and help others with a compulsion to lie. We aren't alone!

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First steps

mayfire123
mayfire123

Hello,


hi is the first time I've ever joined a support group or even admitted this publicly, so apologies for any ramblings. The lies I have told in my life have caused so much damage and I have not had the strength or clarity to stop. It has been a destructive habit that I have used to avoid confrontation and difficulties when I have made bad decisions that I have been ashamed of or know that people would be disappointed in. Lying in those situations was a habitual, knee jerk defense mechanism to protect myself. I did it even though I knew it was wrong but the habitual side overwrote the part of me that knew it was wrong and harmful to those close to me. It has had devastating effects on my relationship for the last 20 years and my partner has lost all trust in me and I have to face the realisation that I have lied one too many times and that he may not give me another chance. He doesn't believe in anything I say anymore and I have completely screwed things up. I feel so full of  regret for poisoning our relationship and bringing so much pain to our lives. He hasn't deserved to be treated like that and I am finding it very difficult to  know how to cope with the guilt of the damage I've caused. 


What i want more than anything is to live a life of integrity, honesty and strength and be honourable and dependable. I know that this will take vigilance and constant awareness. 


If anyone has any tips or advice they would be greatly appreciated as I need all the support and help I can get. I am determined to never do it again.


Thank you for reading this.

cb1971
cb1971
Mayfire123 welcome to the group and know that we are here to support you. You have made a very big step in your recovery. This will be a process that didn't start in a day and will not be over in a day. Yes the lies can stop right now ,just finding out why you really lie will take some time. I'm telling you this so that you don't beat yourself up about the mistakes you have made. As a liar in recovery I had to realize that the people I have hurt has to heal as well as I do. But you can't do this for no one else. Stay connect to the group this will be your life line.
mayfire123
mayfire123
cb1971 thank you so much for your reply. Yesterday I screwed up again and my partner has given me one last chance. If I do it again our relationship will be over and he will hate me. I am terrified and also determined . I realised yesterday that the denials and lies are such a knee jerk reaction and come out with such speed that I do not even realise I'm going to do it until it's too late. This is what terrifies me. I honestly feel I have no control. It's such a deeply ingrained defense mechanism, so finely tuned that it's as easy as breathing. I have so much work to do. Today I have spent practically every waking minute thinking about what I do and the damage it causes and I have meditated to try to slow my mind down so that I take time to consider my words before I say them. I know this is key for me in order to never do it again. I have also purchased a compulsive lying self hypnosis MP3 which I will play everyday before sleep. I have never wanted anything so much in my life and I cannot fail. I really appreciate your words of encouragement. Thank you.
hans45
hans45
It is great to have you here. It has been a big step to move into this online forum, and I think I know exactly how it feels. Being a habitual liar in the process of recovery, I would like to share some of my experiences. Maybe you will have a look at the following www site
https://www.recovery.org/pro/articles/liar-liar-how-to-break-free-from-habitual-lying/

they define the commitment to change as follows:
1. Admit that you have a problem with lying. As long as you are in denial, you won’t stop lying.
2. Be accountable to someone. Talk to a friend, a counselor, or a 12-step sponsor and commit to being completely truthful with them.
3. Consider the consequences. Sooner or later, your lies will be exposed, and you risk losing people’s trust and friendship. But by admitting your lies and committing to positive change, it is more likely that you will be given a second chance to repair broken trusts.
4. Journal. When you lie, reflect on the reasons for your lies. Become aware of automatic, habituated, irrational thoughts. Then consider alternate, more positive choices that will help you meet your emotional needs with honesty and honor.
5. Set positive, life-enhancing goals and make concrete plans to work toward these. Give yourself something to be genuinely proud of yourself about, so that lies and deceptive, pretentious ego-boosts are no longer necessary in your life.

You successfully did the first step, and journaling helped me a lot to understand my lying and the triggers that made them happen.

Great to see that you made first steps. All of us will be happy to share with you
Wraith85
Wraith85
I have found that being stressed tends to increase the amount of lying I do. I am not sure if you are in the same boat, but if that is the case then the ultimatum from your partner will likely be causing you tremendous amounts of stress, which may cause you to lie. You may be so afraid of making an error that it will increase your anxiety and stress , making you more prone to lying. A vicious circle really. Try instead to focus on the positive things you are doing, and the things you control. You are trying to get better. You are being honest, one instance at a time. You are working towards overcoming your past and rebuilding trust. You cannot control what others think, but you can control your own, and I found that that helped me a lot when my wife was at the breaking point. When I focused on being more honest for my sake, I did better. Hope you can get some help from my ramblings.
actuality
actuality
Wraith85...well said. It sounds like that's exactly what may be going on with mayfire's post..I can attest to this as well -- the vicious circle is profoundly damaging, and I feel like I'm not aware that I'm in it until my partner explodes. Then it's too late. We try to mend things later, but the explosions keep hurting the relationship, and start piling up. It's that awareness of what positive things you are doing (without lying to yourself, of course!) and what is within your control to improve. I agree also that doing it for yourself proves to be the best way ultimately to do something positive for someone else.

Wraith, have you found that you are lying less through this. I can see that these actions have a positive impact, but I'm only in the very slight beginnings of recovery, and am still unfortunately solidly in the vicious circle phase of it...