I am the oldest son in a family of 7, my mom and dad are the heads of our local synagogue. they are real believers and have dedicated their lives to the belief system and its practices. I have always been naturally inquisitive and didnt like a lot of the faiths answers, i also saw the way my parents talked about their less religious relatives and friends and feared if i showed them how i feel they would react that way towards me, this combined with my dorkiness, living in a city with no kids my age left me socially awkward, in school i would act like a clown or made trouble to get the admiration of my classmates.

And so started my life of lying. It became easier to just pretend and receive the smile or look of admiration rather than risk exposure. i spent years doing this trying to become the person i wanted to be but lying whenever i felt like i couldnt match up to my own expectations.

Getting shipped off to boarding school in a different country at 14 didnt help, what i could have used as an opportunity to reinvent myself and be the person i wanted to turned into more lies and more deception and more self loathing. i continued this way throughout the next few years of schooling getting more and more frustrated with trying to be the person my parents, the schools and my friends wanted, the shell started to break and i started feeling the shame and judgement i thought i would feel (albeit maybe some of this was in my own head) but so continued my life of lies.

at some point i started showing my parents through my actions what i actually wanted to be like, i stopped taking the schooling they had decided for me seriously, i told them i wanted to go to college (big no no in my extended family, i was one of the first, and i would have been the first to go before finishing the schooling they set up) i ended up finishing but very half, maybe even quarter assed way and i finally got to start college, much to the chagrin of my parents and grandfather.

At this point i had lied about everything from my religious beliefs, to my behaviors, my gambling addiction to my dad, lied to my uncle to cover ait up and get money for it, i lied to my mother about why i dont call her, i lied to my family and friends about a myriad of stupid things that they probably would still have accepted me for if i had been truthful.

now I'm 22, in my first semester one of my few freinds called me and offered me a job in a different state. i was nervous but my dad (who really is the most loving and caring father ever, told me that even though he doesnt want me ending up in the corporate world he gave me his blessing and some cash to help me get started as well as plenty of good advice on the way.

On the road trip up to the new state i drove with my friend (Lets call him ralph) and we discussed a lot of philosophical and religious subjects, we both realized that we had the same doubts and feelings towards our faith, and for the first time in my life i felt like maybe there is hope for me, that maybe some people will love me despite my beliefs. I decided that when i got there i would be myself and see what people had to say about the true me.

Now i'd like to say that was the end but it was only the beginning. A life of compulsive lying just couldnt stop so i lied even more. i lied about being a virgin (said i slept with 5 girls, when those were really opportunities i chickened out on) i lied about the extent of my successes and how i achieved them.

Even with all that this was still the most liberating time of my life, now i was 23 and i felt like the world may be open to a person like me, and i really did show people a lot more of the real me. A month after moving there i get invited to a friday night meal where i bumped into the most beautiful girl i had ever seen. she came up to me and made a lord of the rings crack that made me feel strangely comfortable, i had had several occasions where girls were interested in me but i never felt like opening up to anyone, strangely enough i did with her and proceeded with an experiment, i showed her a little bit of me, one piece at a time and each time she embraced it and made me feel loved. for the first time in my life i thought that i found someone i can be honest with and open with.

On our 2nd date she put me on the spot and asked if i had ever been with any other girls, not wanting to be thought of as less than a man i panicked and told her my classic lie about the 5 girls i had been with. she didnt know me that well then and didnt realize. I felt deeply ashamed that i may have already damaged the first and only relationship that i ever had or wanted. I kept trying to find a way to tell her, eventually i told myself that if im honest about everything else than it will be ok until i can find the right time to tell her. Not a day went by that i didnt think about telling her.

we went out several more times and i was already falling in love with her, she was more gaurded and want ready for my obsessiveness yet, and told me she would need space, i proceeded to guilt her by saying that i dont need or want space, and at the time that was actually true, i was so starved for love and affection that i couldnt get enough, eventually this became a lie when i did start needing my space but felt like i couldnt tell her for fear that she would think i love her less. I lied about not looking or thinking about other girls, i lied saying i had never thought of her sisters sexually, among several other small things. after a week i knew i would want to be with her forever,and we got engaged after 9 months. in that time even though i did lie to her i did it out of an irrational fear that she would leave me if she learnt the truth, even though the truth and the real me was barely different than what i presented to her, i really did open up and show her so much of the shame and insecurities that i had never shared with anyone before.

After we got married we moved back to my hometown and we ended up jobless, she didnt have her greencard yet (my fault for getting us arressted with marijuana, case dismissed) and it was a struggle. in this time i felt even more worthless than i had in a while, i finally found someone to love me and for me to love with all my heart, i was desperate to be the husband she deserved. but i was also selfish and wanted to be with her, i ended up taking shit jobs so i could be home at 5 with her, and we were very happy. i think she sensed when i lied to her, like when we would have sex she would ask if i ever thought about other girls, or other things like that and i denied denied denied, stupidly of course.

I had never really smoked cigarettes before than (just weed) but at my job i wanted to fit in and i wanted a vice so i smoked some and never told her. she would have understood but i knew she just wanted me to be healthy.

at the next job my buddy who is also my weed dealer worked with me and on a few occasions i purchased some without her knowledge and smoked when she wasnt around, i knew if i cam home and said i bought some she would have been totally cool with it but i was ashamed that i was feeding an addiction when we couldnt afford all our basic needs. during this time i also did start needing my alone time now that we got extended periods together, but i continued to lie and say i didnt because i couldnt bare the thought of her thinking i loved her less when all i really needed was to space out, daydream, watch a crappy movie or tv show or play a stupid game on my phone, so i started taking that time when i went to the toilet, that became my safe zone, where i could be alone and be safe. she would have been totally understanding but i didnt know how to tell her i needed that space without making her feel like i loved her less, so i kept telling her i didnt need it. i would watch some of my favorite fetish porn while crapping in the morning, because the one time i tried to show her what i was watching i misunderstood her non-interest in for possible judgement, so i added that to my lies and side that i wasnt comfortable sharing.

the worst part came when she confronted me about hiding something on my phone, i was watching porn or checking out some girls or something (btw she is cool with it) and when she asked me i felt the need to lie about it and i did. she pressed me on it multiple times and i deflected, denies and turned it around on her, at several points i even tried to make her feel like it was her fault.

The last straw happened recently, i'm in between jobs again and we are piss broke, i was going to buy some pizza that night but we ended up going to her sisters house, when they were hungry i jumped at the opportunity to go out for food thinking i could score some weed from my buddy closeby to the pizza place. again she would have been ok with it if i had just said I'm really craving some and i'm gonna go buy, but iwas scared that she would think less of me because i said i wouldnt buy again til after we are financially solvent again. i spent 10 on weed and hid it at home, i pretended that i was finding the weed on the floor and on our dining table when really it was coming from my stash. she suspected something (she can always see through me) and asked me yesterday what i was doing in the room, and i told her i had gone in to roll one but decided not to, she sensed i was leaving something out, and i knew it and all i wanted to do was tell her everything from the beginning but i was too scared and spent an hour vehemently denying and making her feel like shes being crazy. later that night she went out with her sister and i was mildly excited for her to go so i can smoke up and watch some of the tv shows i had been meaning to catch up on. when she came home she asked me point blank if i had bought some the other night, i wanted to tell her but was too scared that it would all unravel, so i swore up and down, on her life and my siblings that i love that i didnt, i was horrified in those moements and just wanted to tell her, when she claimed to know for a fact that i did my first thought was panic but it all came out after that, the floodgates opened and i told her everything, she was so hurt she drove off, she came back a while later, i was panicking and crying thinking that i'd lost the love of my life, realizing how stupid these lies were and the irreparable damage i had done to our beautiful relationship. i begged her to give me another chance to show her that i love her and that the lies stem from own insecurities.

we talked at length where i admitted to every little lie i could think of and any moments where i was anything less than honest. at the end of the night she hugged me and told me that she did love me but that i lost her. and that she doesnt know if she could ever trust me again. i dont blame her, i lied and lied, and covered it up and made her feel crazy for it.

I'm hoping for another chance to show her that i love her, i never meant to hurt her and i want to grow old with her, i want to hold her hand and have her lay down on me while i play with her hair and im scared that i will never get that chance again. I dont know what to do, she says she wants to believe me but doesnt know how after i swore on her life, she understands that i have a sickness, but now thinks i'm just lying about my lies to get back in her good graces, and i dont know how to show her that her breaking through was the biggest relief for me, i never want to go back to living with lies, especially with her. I want to earn her trust and love, respect and admiration again but i fear i may never get another chance with my angel.

PLEASE HELP ME, I'M READY TO GET HELP, AND I WANT TO GET BETTER, I WANT HER TO SEE HOW MUCH I LOVE HER AND NOT DOUBT ME, PLEASE HELP BEFORE I LOSE HER FOREVER.