I understand what you are going through. I have repeatedly lied big and small with my husband and I know it has hurt him. It was NEVER my intention but I was hiding some bills and my terrible spending habit. He’s so good with money I felt like I was disappointing him with my inability to control myself with spending. But I’m most disappointed in myself as I have tried to come clean at one point but ended up using another lie to cover. It’s a vicious cycle. I have been open with him since it all blew up in my face and I k ie it has hurt him. I cry myself to sleep as we no longer sleep in the same bed and I just miss him. He’s willing to help me with the bills (more than I deserve) but need to earn his trust back but I think I broke his heart to the point I’m not sure I can fix it. I want to. I have never cheated on him and when he asked me if I did,, it broke me. I would never do that. But the lying is something that is just as bad. My only suggestion would be to use a group like this or find someone to talk to. My employer provides free counselling but I haven’t set it up yet.

I’m trying to find a way to keep myself together because I’m losing it.

Hi, thank you for your comment. I understand you completely. Especially about trying to tell the truth but in turn throwing in a lie to either soften the truth or make something seem better. I have a tendency to do that and I’m trying to stop. It’s not easy because it’s a habit, or as you put it a vicious cycle. Sometimes I will try to do something like being more open about conversations with people or who I’ve been interacting with at work or something and sometimes it will backfire on me. I often find myself telling the truth but sometimes feeling the need to omit or hit certain details that I really don’t need to but I have a fear in me of making things worse, which turns out to be what makes things worse for me than to just come clean in the first place and tell it as it is.

Hello-first time posting. I am reluctant to call myself a liar, but maybe that is the problem. I don't lie habitually, but there are times I do "to smooth things out" or "make things better". As with others, this gets me in a lot of problems. It may ruin my 38 year-old marriage. What is there to do now?

It's weird to have you own experiences basically regurgitated back to you by someone else. I am ruining my relationship because I constantly lie to avoid uncomfortable conversations or imperfect decisions. In doing so, I make the issues so much bigger and more disastrous than they would have been if I'd just been honest in the first place. I remember the first big lie I ever told. I was about 5 or 6 and I told my best friend that I'd gone to see the Statue of Liberty. I have no clue why I told this lie but it's an indication to me that perhaps this was a habit I was already prone to. I want to stop and I have made some progress in that I no longer lie just for the hell of it, or to boost my own ego. But I still lie in order to avoid conflict. This is my biggest hurdle really.

Yes I understand what you’re saying. Sometimes I lie about pointless things and to my partner I will say “I had no reason for it” but deep inside, I know I did it because I didn’t want to cause a problem or create a conflict. Now, when my partner asks me a question about past things that have happened, I answer honestly and she doesn’t believe me. It’s the most frustrating thing because I’m trying to take the steps to change but I feel I’m being prevented by doing the very thing she wants because of her too. If that makes sense

I swear all of these comments are my life. I want to change so bad for my wife. And for some reason I keep lying to her over and over for no reason. Just like the previous comment, I would never in a million years cheat on her, but when she asks me if I have I can tell she doesn't believe me and it sucks! I'm constantly lying to her about the dumbest things and then I'm always lying to cover my ass when I need to just be honest with her. And then when I do tell the truth she doesn't trust me and I don't blame her. Has anyone actually been successful with ideas to break this horrible habbit?

In a way, it’s nice to see I am not the only one struggling with these things and that many others are (unfortunately) suffering the same situations. For me, I have started seeing a psychiatrist and talking through different methods of communication I start to practice. Because at least for me, lying is either a defense mechanism or a sense of a lack of communication. I am trying to figure out for myself what exactly my triggers are for why I lie. There’s never a good reason why I do it, no matter how much I want to justify it is to avoid a conflict or an uncomfortable conversation. It’s hard to learn from my previous mistakes that lying to cover something or make something lighter, actually makes it 10x bigger in the end.

Stop and think why you feel lying to your partner is necessary. Do you think it will upset them less? Are you covering for yourself? Will it add to your relationship or take away? More often than not people who find out they've been lied to are more upset about the lie than what was lied about. People are afraid that they will get yelled at or upset their partner if they tell the truth and honestly they might! The thing you have to remember is that your partner is more likely to forgive you if you own up than if you lie. Once you lie you ruin any trust they had in you. Telling the truth makes them mad but it let's them trust that you will come to them with anything big or small. A partner is just that....someone there to help you along your journey in life but when you lie to them it makes them feel like less of a partner. Trust that your partner will forgive you when you tell them the bad. Trust that they will want to help you figure out what to do next. They aren't perfect either and most can understand a mistake being made or something you did wrong. Its harder to understand why they are being lied to though. Be honest the consequences are far less with honesty and once you start it's easier to do. Honesty gets you forgiveness......maybe not right away but faster than it you lie and it gets you trust. The truth hurts but it helps in the grand scheme of things.

Well said. It really is in some way liberating (in a sad sort of way) that my story is being replayed many times over and I do not feel alone. For me, I have had 4 days of solitary confinement in the basement, partly because my wife has kicked me down here and secondly because of the coronavirus here in China. But it has got me really thinking and evaluating my life and values and it all boils down to one thing over and over...Fear! Whether it is fear of rejection, fear of dissapointing someone, making them realise you are not perfect or to avoid a difficult conversation..it is all based around fear. But how to remove the fear. I have tried counselling and it didn't really work for me.because I felt I lied through this as well. I am trying to change everything about my current life, starting with my routines and daily habits and hoping that this will help me with the habitual lying....at this stage I am so desperate as I can feel my family slipping away fast and it scares me so much

Well said. It really is in some way liberating (in a sad sort of way) that my story is being replayed many times over and I do not feel alone. For me, I have had 4 days of solitary confinement in the basement, partly because my wife has kicked me down here and secondly because of the coronavirus here in China. But it has got me really thinking and evaluating my life and values and it all boils down to one thing over and over...Fear! Whether it is fear of rejection, fear of dissapointing someone, making them realise you are not perfect or to avoid a difficult conversation..it is all based around fear. But how to remove the fear. I have tried counselling and it didn't really work for me.because I felt I lied through this as well. I am trying to change everything about my current life, starting with my routines and daily habits and hoping that this will help me with the habitual lying....at this stage I am so desperate as I can feel my family slipping away fast and it scares me so much

All of the posts here are so true and so similar..I’ve been lying from the time I was a teenager- just to make myself look better or be more popular. It worked but then back-fires and you are left in even a worse situation. It has just gotten worse and worse over the years to the point now that no one in my family believes a word I say-most won’t even talk to me anymore and I do know why. I’m now in a marriage with someone who I love dearly would even take a bullet for -but the lies have continued. He has stood by me..and tries to help but it’s putting a very very big strain and I know it’s coming to a breaking point that if it doesn’t stop it’s going to end in divorce.
This is such a horrible addiction and so hard to beat. All I can say is this I found this group and it has made me realize that I am not alone with this addiction..I have found that if I look in the mirror every day and ask myself if I lie today who am I going to hurt?..I pray every day..to all who are fighting to keep a relationship together or dealing with those who don’t trust them...if you can show you are making an effort to stop this..there is hope you just have to take it day by day. Stay strong!