Yes, that really is it. I found that I was trying to avoid the up front, in my face problem by lying, then fix it later. It never works. I realized that I was not thinking the situation thru, looking at the long term problems, like you said, and just dealing with the here and now. Cowardly, weak, selfish, lazy, and other things. Or a combination of them, but whatever, it cause be to make the wrong decision, hurting myself and my loved ones, my relationship with my wife. Catching it up front and thinking it thru, not being freaked out by the issue in my face right now, would have made my life so much better, and not have all these repairs and fixes necessary.

Sometimes my reality is so amazing and there is no need to run. But other times my reality is awful, and that's when I find that I lie. I lie because I don't want to face my reality of the choices that I've made.

I know this is cliche, but admitting the problem is the first step in change! This is a great start! Keep being introspective and looking for ways to improve! I'm sorry to hear about your ex-husband, but know that you are with people that care and want to help! It does suck and yet it is so easy! Just keep pursuing the changes to become the person you want to be! There is no need to run away from who you are!

But I wonder is who I am good enough all too often. And then I lie to prop myself up, only to crash and each time it gets harder and harder.

I can sympathize with what you are saying. It feels embarrassing to say this, but I was emotionally abused by my ex-girlfriend. I lied because I was afraid of the conflict, drama and her being upset if I told the truth. This would only happen once in a blue moon, however when an uncomfortable situation came up about my past relationships/girls I dated. I'd always down play them because I didn't want to think of me as some womanizer/player. You could say that I didn't want to be judged for my past. Not proud of it but when I was directly asked, I lied by omission which doesn't help anyone. I'm acknowledging the email because you are not alone, so I get it. I've had some really bad days because, all I simply could have did was just deal with the truth head on and let her be upset, but the truth would have set me free. I've been at this for roughly a month. Whatever you do, don't give up. It takes patience, but we all want that immediate gratification to heal. My next word of advice and you can do with it as you please, but I started praying and asking for forgiveness from God. I was never big on reading, but get the book Battlefield of the Mind, it has helped me mentally so much when I'm struggling. Of course, it is not the cure all but it helps out for sure, because I have a battle with my mind on a regular basis. We struggle with the battles in our head. No matter what, it's going to be alright and you will survive. Ask God for help and don't be afraid to too. Learn to give yourself a break too and not be so hard on yourself. Easier to say than do but you can do it if say it out loud and talk to yourself about it. Try it and see what happens.