I'm in a constant struggle of trying to balance my own recovery and healing with my husband's recovery and healing. My husband is still reeling from the lies I've told. He's sad, angry, hurt, and I understand that. I'm in therapy and am working very hard to understand and address the issues I have with lying. My husband goes from wanting to work on the marriage one day (or one minute) to never wanting to speak to me again the next. We did have our first couples therapy session last week at which he stated that he's not sure he can ever get over the lies. He doesn't seem ready to say that he does not want to work on our marriage yet though either. So we're in total limbo. I understand and accept this.

We are currently separated. We do communicate regularly, often times via email. As part of my own recovery, I've told him that I will answer his questions and help him move forward (whether that be with me or without me). But there are times when the things he asks, or the comments he makes, are simply not going to be productive, at least not to my own healing and recovery (and very likely not to his either). As an example, today he asked me how many times I had cheated on him. My simple response: Never. Never even considered it. (My lies were about financial issues, something that I'm very insecure about..) His response then moves to "I wish you could say the same about lying." And here's where the slippery slope begins. I probably shouldn't have responded, but I did. I simply said, "I wish I could say that too, but I can't. And that makes me very sad too." This leads to a question from him, "I just don't understand lying. Do you know that you are an abuser?"

Yes, I do understand this. I understand that my lies were hurtful, deceitful, and emotionally abusive and damaging to him. I have admitted this to him. I have apologized to him for this. To continue to do so over and over again only makes him angry and isn't helpful to me either. If I don't respond, I hear from him that I don't care and can't admit what I've done. My therapist has recommended that I stop apologizing. That I've apologized and now it's time for action instead of words. So my response becomes sometime like, "I did lie. Over and over about things. I hurt, deceived, and emotionally abused and damaged you by lying. I do know that." That doesn't show the shame, the guilt, the remorse that I feel. I'm not ready to ask for forgiveness. I need to heal and forgive myself first.

The rational part of my brain tells me to simply not engage with him on these things. That these are things he needs to work out with someone other than me. But I love him and I hurt him and I want to help him. And it feels selfish to not do so. So I'm constantly torn. I understand that he has a choice in how this relationship moves forward from here. I have made it clear that I am here, ready to put in the time and work. If he decides that he cannot do that, I will be sad, broken, devastated. But I will continue to move forward in my own path to recovery. I'm committed to that.

I just constantly feel so torn. Any advice at all? (And yes, this will be up for discussion with my therapist next week.)