I was just told by my partner that she never wants to talk to me again because of my repeated lies and hiding of inappropriate relationships online. She also said I'm gross. I've felt gross most of my life and that's part of why I'm always searching around for others to affirm that I'm not, usually through seeking women's attention.

I don't know if we will or we won't talk again, especially since we live together. I hope we do, but this one may have been too much. It's the repetition of the lies, of choosing to do it over and over, as well as the age of the young woman I was carrying on with, that finally broke it. I'm going to keep working on this, and I'm hopeful we can have some semblance of something going forward. I have to do this work for me and hope that I stay on track. My adult kids are still talking to me, and I'd hate to lose that as well. Frankly, I'm not sure how to carry on without my partner's friendship and support. I feel terrible today. I feel sorry for myself, which sucks and is not a good place to be and feels wrong-headed since my actions have caused this, and I feel like I'm breaking apart inside over the pain I've caused her. It's a bad day.

I called my parents yesterday for the first time in a while. That felt good to reach out. I've cut a lot of ties over the past few months, and it felt good to reach out. I don't know why I shared that. Maybe as evidence for myself that I'm trying to re-establish the ties I had when things were still going OK for me a year or so ago ... even more recently than that, really. I feel like maybe I'm just writing here to write, to say something somewhere because I can't say anything to the person I talk to the most.

Gotta keep working on me, and checking in here is part of that. It's a reminder that I have to stay focused on being honest with myself and others. I have so far to go and no real clue how to get there, just the knowledge I have to keep trying.