Liars Anonymous Community Group

A support group to provide those with a compulsive addiction to lie a place to share hope, strength and courage with others like them; solve our common problem and help others with a compulsion to lie. We aren't alone!

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Advice on how to stop before it starts

Bettywhitewalker
Bettywhitewalker

So, I've recently become aware of my lying and the reason behind it. I usually do it when I fear I am putting someone else out, when I fear that my partner is going to think i'm a bad person or might want to leave me. I also do it to my co workers. They are the people I fear I am putting out the most, so therefore I tell a lie in order to avoid them possibly thinking i'm a bad person or just not liking me. 


So I know I have this problem and I've realized after i've caught myself lying that if I had just told the truth that the other person would probably understand, and understand a lot better than whatever bull crap lie I told them. My boyfriend can usually tell when I'm lying and I just ask myself why? if I know that things would've gone a lot more smoothly for me if I hadn't lied then why do I still do it? I also get really defensive sometimes when i'm called out for something that in the moment I lie about doing but ultimatley know I did, and that causes the most problems between my boyfriend and I.


I am in need of any kind of tips anyone has to help me stop it before it starts. The best tip i've seen on here so far is to give myself a time out before I almost lie. Problem is sometimes I just react instead of pausing and realizing i'm about to start lying. 

actuality
actuality
Hi -- I just posted a similar question myself the other day. Some useful advice there ("strategies for catching lies?"). It sounds like you're encountering exactly the same thing I do regularly. I mean precisely...you describe this sensation perfectly. It's a hell of a bind, isn't it? If it's anything like what I experience, those reflexes just kick in even as you _know_ you don't want to do it.

It's great you're on here; I've found that posting here and opening up has made it significantly easier to find the space for positive change...
Bettywhitewalker
Bettywhitewalker
Thanks! Yeah, so far I don't feel so alone. I mean I know other people do the same thing I do, but it's nice to hear that other people do the EXACT thing I do.

But yes, It really is a hell of a bind. It's like word vomit, or brain vomit. It's been such a coping mechanism for me over the years that it just comes out. The funny thing is that a lot of times over the years I have still felt bad about doing it, but other people haven't caught or just haven't told me they've caught on so it's made it easier for me. As far as doing it to my boyfriend goes I've found that things usually goes better between us when I don't try to defend it or make excuses for my lie, just saying that I lied is more helpful for us. However, the guilt is always there..... so with me being vulnerable and telling him "yes I've lied" it makes me feel guilty and scared because now he knows and what is he going to think of me now? I mean this is more preferable but I can't take back this time and I can't take back all of the times I have done this. I can't take back how he feels about me. Maybe I should find a guilt and shame support group as well. That seems to be what's driving this lie boat.
gwilly
gwilly
Two things that I suggest often to stop the line before I gets out is just that, stop the line before it comes out. Analyze the words you're about to say before you say them and don't let them out if they're not absolutely the truth. It slows down your speech and communication but in the long run cut it causes less of a problem. Second thing is good to know who you are. Decide exactly what you want to become and work towards being that. Most of us lie about things that we wish we were but we're not yet say we are anyway. That causes problems for ourselves internally and for others around us. Just a couple of thoughts
MET
MET
This is my first post/response as I just joined the group today. What you described is exactly what happens to me. The lie just blurts out and then I feel trapped in the lie and keep it going. It's really wreaked havoc on my marriage. Because I've caused so much damage I get scared of causing more, I lie to hide something, it comes out (it ALWAYS comes out) and then I've caused even more damage. I've been in therapy for a couple of years, both by myself and with my wife. I'm trying lots of tools to catch myself. I am learning to journal and I mean really letting my feelings out, not a controlled story. I am trying to take a breath before replying to anything. I try to think before most statements - "Is this a lie":. When I feel the need to lie I try to ask myself what's the worst that happens if I tell the truth? what's the worst that happens if I lie? It's always worse if I lie. This is a problem I will have forever. The vigilance sometimes wears me down but it does seem to be getting easier.
rp1234
rp1234
Such good discussions in this post. The more we can stay vigilant the easier it will be for us to be trueful not only with the people we love but also ourselves.
Bettywhitewalker
Bettywhitewalker
MET I like how you said you're really writing down your feelings not just writing a controlled story. I know what you mean. Sometimes when I write I feel the need to even lie to myself then. Put down something nicer sounding on paper instead of just writing it as is, as if someone is going to read it and judge me. I think I that's very healthy to do. It sounds like you're doing a lot yo improve your situation. My advice would be keep that up, but if you do fail and the lie just "blurts out" be honest with whoever you lied to. Tell them it's a problem you've had and you're working on it. Then tell them turn truth. I don't think anyone is capable of being "on" and aware all the time of every single thing. Sometimes were going to do things without realizing or old thoughts are going to flood our minds and we will let then win, but recognizing that and addressing it even after the deed is done is powerful to me! I don't think it's ever too late to right a wrong.